RealPlayer
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Well, it beats Superman 64. Damn you and your rings, Lex Luthor!”
~ Oscar Wilde on RealPlayer, and probably Superman 64
RealPlayer, or as it's known to it's users, Shitty Crash-Prone Kitten Huffing Abomination, can sometimes play media files. However, it will not play them for you. This is because of Helix, RealPlayer's engine. It is programmed to reject you. As well as Mr. T.
Contents |
[edit] What RealPlayer Enjoys
RealPlayer loves nothing more than to let you assemble an incredible, massive playlist, then present you with an error message and crash. It also likes to skip, freeze during playback, and send error messages that describe the user as being homosexual and one of Oscar Wilde's lovers. It also derives great joy from shoving pointless messages and announcements down your throat.
RealPlayer is also known to, occasionally, rape your operating system. It seems to enjoy this quite a bit, considering how often it occurs.
[edit] How RealPlayer Was Made
[edit] The Theory Involving Mimes
RealPlayer was made by a skilled team of professional mimes. This is consistent: Mimes are annoying, and RealPlayer is annoying. The mimes, around seven of them, got together and had a big meeting. After many hours of running into fake walls and eating invisible food, they decided to take their art of irritating hapless people to new levels. It was only logical that they make a crappy media player.
Here is a list of the mimes.
[edit] The Theory Involving Whoopee
One day, Windows Media Player put on her short skirt and tight tube top and went to the bar to pick up some sailors. There she met Helix. After drinking a bit a few kegs and discussing Oscar Wilde's sexuality, it was the last call. The both of them incredibly drunk, they stumbled to the cheap hotel across the street. They both started to play some smoochy-woochie music, and then they made whoopee. Here is a clip of the transcript of said whoopee:
Windows Media Player: Oh, Helix, your equalizer is so long!
Helix: And your special headphone jack is so conductive! Is that gold it's lined with?
[edit] Post-Whoopee
Soon, a little bundle of bad coding was born, and they named it... *Stab of music* RealPlayer! RealPlayer would go on to bully sandboxes, take candy from babies, and huff kittens.
[edit] The End Of RealPlayer
RealPlayer will die sometime around 2067, due to an assassination by Windows Media Player. However, an embryonic Helix will jump out of RealPlayer's chest, just like in Alien. Then someone will step on it and go ew. Then they'll scrape it off on the sidewalk. Pretty cool, huh?
[edit] RealPlayer Quotes
- "RealPlayer has encountered a problem and needs to close."
- "Can't sleep. WinAMP will eat me."
- "I'm sorry, Dave. That MP3 file already exists."
- "I made brown!"
- "RealPlayer cannot find clip information about oscarwilde_butsecks.wmv."
- "Upgrade to RealPlayer Gold Edition for more useless features and slightly less advertisements!"
- "Attention, users. Testicles. That is all."
- "Don't uninstall me. Stop! STOP! STOP THAT!!! I'LL KILL YOUR MOTHER WITH A RUSTY AXE!!!"
- "Buffering... buffering... buffering... buffering... buffering..."
“RealPlayer threatens peoples' mothers.”
~ Captain Obvious on RealPlayer's threats
[edit] What People Have To Say About RealPlayer
“Buffering...”
~ Real
“..............”
“Diagnostics complete. Waste of ammunition.”
“Diagnostics complete. Waste of effort to eat.”
~ Oprah
“lol reaplayer is t3h uber suxxorz lyk ur mom OMFG MOM QUIT IM PLAYING RUNESCAPE!!!11 I DON'T WAN GO 2 BED!!!!!!!!111”
“Mama mia!”
~ Mario
“Holy live streaming media, Batman!”
~ Robin
“It is the Best Media Player Ever *givin bag with a dollar sign*.”
