Reasons to become an Atheist
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If you become an atheist, then when Jesus knocks, you can call the cops!
Becoming an atheist is a really easy thing to do. FREE 30-DAY TRIAL! SIGN UP TODAY! Just look at all these advantages!
[edit] If you become an atheist today...
[edit] ...you'll save money!
- ...you'll never be persecuted for your religion! (Offer not valid in the Middle East and most of the South.)
- ...you'll get free membership in the ACLU!
- ...abortions are half-price! Don't be like Barbara Bush, act now to avoid future regrets!
- ...you'll save money on car insurance!
- ...you'll get a 20 percent discount on your wireless phone plan!
- ...you'll save money on funerals because you now know there's no point in getting all dressed up, since there's no place to go!
- ...you'll never have to strap on a suicide bomb for Allah! (no, suicide bombs aren't free!)
- ...you don't have to sign up in any holy-war/jihad! (Bullets cost money! And so do suicide bombs!)
- ...you won't need contribution boxes/collection plates/threats/absolute obedience!
[edit] ...you'll get to make fun of stuff!
- ...you can make fun of religious people! That's always hilarious!
- ...you get to laugh when Pat Robertson has a stroke!
- ...you can slash the tires on the Jehovah's Witnesses-in-trainings' bikes!
- ...you get to pose as a member of a fictional religious cult!
- ...you can refer to Adam and Eve as Adam and Steve!
- ...you can refer to Adam and Eve as Madam and Eve!
- ...you can refer to Adam and Eve as Aida and Eve!
[edit] ...you'll get to believe this stuff!
- ...you'll have a worldview that is scientifically supported by scientific science! Scientifically!!
- ...you'll get to believe that fishes can have monkey eggs!
- ...you'll get to finally think for yourself, according to a recent scientific journal.
- Bonus: you won't have to dismiss any recent scientific journal as 'devil propaganda'.
- ...that you don't have to do something merely because an old book says you have to.
- ...that there isn't a omniscient God that loves us yet creates some of us knowing we will fail him and go to Hell for eternity. Is that Love? Who wrote this shit?
- ...you'll get to believe that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness are inalienable rights given by Thomas Jefferson, who's now dead, along with his slaves.
- ...you are special because of your merits. Most Christians believe they are special because God created them. Without this belief they'd realize they are as common as dirt.
- ...you won't have to believe in any gods! Not the thousands that Christians reject when other cultures view them as atheists nor the one that the christians do believe in!
- ...you won't have to bathe, because after all, "cleanliness is next to godliness!"
- ...you don't have to kill someone simply because they don't believe what you believe! Beliefs can be wrong!
- ...you won't have to deal with heaven for all eternity, you can live like you want!!! Just burn in Hell for eternity. It's like a credit card, buy now, pay later!!!
[edit] ...you'll get to be this stuff!
- ...responsible for your own actions! Next time you bomb an abortion clinic or defend your racism, you can't hide behind God in order to appear pious.
- ...free from superstition!
- ...you'll finally get to pay for your own sins rather then let Jesus do it for you.
[edit] ...you'll get to do this stuff!
- ...you get Sunday (or whatever your former religion's Sabbath was) free! You can work or stay home or whatever you want! (You can watch football or do other cool things.)
- ...you can take offense at EVERY religious holiday, as well as laugh at the serious devotees!
- ...you can insist on presents for EVERY religious holiday, too!
- ...you can masturbate in private or let consenting adults watch!
(no God will be staring at your gumdrops)
- ...you can finally volunteer at that soup kitchen by the abortion clinic again without feeling compelled to question the source of the "mystery meat" in the broth! You can do it before or after you got married.
- ...you get to fill your head with old religions like The Force, and become a Jedi! (Although you may suffer death by keelhauling for atheistic apostasy, the ultimate atheist crime)
- ...you can defecate on any form of religious paraphernalia. It is your
GodThomas Jefferson-given right! - ...you can secretly plot ways of decaying the moral fiber of America by turning kids gay!!
- ...you can have pre-marital sex with women without
GodThe Big Cheeseanybody whining about it!!! Even if you're a woman! - ...you can defend your position with logic. No more need for doctrines, lies, superstition or suppositions you just pull out your ass to indefinitely suspend reason. You can just tell people your version of the truth!
- ...you don't have to defend your position with logic, you can just use evolution!!!
- ...and also you won't have to be polite when it's your Christian opponent's turn to defend theirs, because you make up your own morality! Also, the media will help you by portraying Christians as ignorant boobs! Many of them ofcourse are ignorant boobs.
[edit] ...you won't have to do this stuff!
- ...you won't have to automatically hate gays!
- ...but you can hate them anyway!!!
- ...you won't be required to study Apologetics in anticipation of 'refuting' points brought about by the Academica Intelligencia!
- ...Not only that, but you'll never have to actually refute any points that aren't part of your thesis (Courtesy of the Scientific Method)!
- ...you won't need communion wafers, which are incompatible with the Atkins diet!
- ...you'll never have to scream that people who don't belong to your religion are going to hell!
- ...you'll never have to worry that Gandhi or Albert Einstein or Anne Frank will have to go to hell for choosing the wrong religion!
- ...you'll never have to worry about the possibility of Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, or Osama bin Laden all going to heaven!
[edit] But wait! There's more!
- If you become an atheist today, as a SPECIAL ADDED BONUS you will get this additional reason (a $100 value) ABSOLUTELY FREE!
- ...you'll never have to read anything by Tim LaHaye! Thank
Godyourself!
- ...you'll never have to read anything by Tim LaHaye! Thank
[edit] Other great reasons to be an Atheist
- Because Richard Dawkins says so!
- The theology of atheism is so simple, even You can understand it! ("In Soviet Russia, theology of atheism understands YOU!!")
- Wikipedia will make you an admin automaticlly using their OnlyAtheistAdmins bot!
- You'll get to be 'alternative', 'subversive' and 'edgy'- just like all the cool kids, but with no risk of alcohol poisoning or cancer.
- You get to take credit for the things you did. None of this "I would like to thank Goooood for my success," or, "I guess God was watching over me that night."
- You don't have to pray during sex! ("Oh god.. OH GOD!!")! But you can shout it if it excites you!
- Instead, you finally have an excuse to shout your own name when having an orgasm ("Oh Me... Ohhh Meeee!")!
- You won't be forced to bitch and complain about science eroding your mythology!
- You will simply believe whatever so-called "scientists" tell you, so long as it justifies your pre-determined conclusions and worldview!
- You'll be automatically qualified to teach mythology classes at the University of Kansas!!
- Richard Dawkins will be your friend!
- Jesus asks too much. First he asks you to admit that you're a sinner, then he wants you to believe that he died for your sins because he loves you, and then he wants you to confess that you believe in him! All he did was die for you! Where does he get the nerve to ask you for anything?
- You can enjoy yourself at a Slayer concert!
- You automatically get to hate Republicans!
- You can spray the Mormon missionaries with water when they knock down your door!
- You get to have a party when Pat Robertson dies!
- You can eat pork!!!
- You can be a hypocrit!!!
- You get left out of the afterlife!!!
