Reba McEntire
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“BLEECCH!! You call this coffee?? I've tasted better bull semen!”
~ Reba McEntire on her last assistant
“That's it. I'm going back to men.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Reba McEntire
“It's a goddamn succubus!”
~ Dixie Chicks on why they entered the music business
“What if it's yoooooou... what if our hearts wereAAAAHH!!!! THE LEOPARDS!!!! OH GOD!!!!!!”
~ Reba McEntire on her last show ever
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Reba Nell Strombolopoulos Thurmond Xenu McEntire is a robot, whose hypersonic noises cause the easily manipulated to purchase recordings of its sounds. The listening/purchasing cycle continues until all higher brain functions of the victim/consumer fail.
Reba (more accurately called the RebaBot) was built by Starstruck Entertainment as a children's toy, but an Incessant Moral Lecturing subroutine scared off many parents. The designers incorporated a Subtlety Algorithm, and its "career" as a "singer" took off.
The income generated by the RebaBot has allowed Starstruck Entertainment to devote all its earnings to make meaningful contributions to society.
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[edit] Programming
The RebaBot's mind control noises are based on this formula:
Or, Success = [(Conservative unoffensive material + warbling) - tedium] x synaptic failure/proximity to people wearing cowboy Hallowe'en costumes all year.
The RebaBot seeks out the emotionally fragile and unleashes its warblings of woe and lost love, thus commencing the listening/purchasing/brain-function-failure cycle.
[edit] Early Versions
The RebaBot was modelled after a young Oklahoman woman named Reba McEntire who became a teacher instead of a giant money hog. Her appearance was copied down to the finest detail, but a single digit error in the assembly program caused the first attempt to be slightly off.
After the error was corrected and the programmers replaced, a second attempt produced the desired result. However, as soon as the RebaBot stepped on a stage, it would lose the signal from the back-stage remote control. The new programmers had a stroke of genius and decided to use its enormous hair as a signal amplifier, thus producing the RebaBot best known to humankind.
After a modern transmitter was installed in the late 90s, the RebaBot no longer needed is gargantuan orange antenna array, so the hair receiver was scaled back. It is currently being reused as a signal amplifier for another automaton with highly deficient programming.
[edit] Mission Highlights
The RebaBot has achieved great success in making meaningful contributions to society. It has won the Most Clichéd Accent Award from the Academy of Country Music 9,478,215,303 times, and is perhaps best known for George W. Bush's 2004 campaign theme song Shortbus of Freedom.
The RebaBot has also been programmed to host awards shows to continue the listening/purchase circle of doom. During one controversial appearance, the RebaBot experienced a sub-command feedback brought on by the enormity of its hair, forming an unplanned external circuit. This temporarily disrupted its Puritan Ethics Subroutine and caused it to reveal that, yes, even androids have cleavage.
While much of the world was pleased, its target audience was so heavily programmed by that 147,263 people died of cerebral overload. Those who survived, not understanding the strange "urges" they felt, blamed them on Satan and became Baptists. 75% of the survivors were later charged with indecent acts involving minors.
[edit] Upkeep
Sadly, after thirty years of continuous operation, the RebaBot has shown signs of wear. Numerous attempts have been made to upgrade the exterior to give it a youthful, exhuberant appearance. However, the management at Starstruck was unwilling to pay for a complete exterior refit, and so decided simply to increase tension on the exterior facial surface.
This left its face simulator frozen in a perpetual smile, ideal for photos, but challenging for funerals, where Reba enjoys most the art of getting her picture taken.
[edit] Other Projects
Fearing its control over the world was insufficient, Starstruck got the RebaBot its own TV show and added a "Have Actual Actors Compensate For My Ineptitude While I Get The Highest Salary" Protocol to its program. Pundits are unable to explain why it has not been cancelled, yet find themselves purchasing the RebaBot's music and using smaller words than normal.
The RebaBot also appeared as Annie Oakley in the straight-to-video production of Buffalo Girls, starring John Milton as Calamity Jane.
[edit] They're Everywhere!
[edit] See Also
- The RebaBot would prefer you stopped talking.
- Victim of the RebaBot? Here's the first step to recovery.
- What country music is supposed to sound like.
Capitol: Rockport, Texas
but...i love reba
