Red wine

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Red Red Wine, you make me feel so fine, all of the time, all of the time”

~ Oscar Wilde on Red Wine

Red wine is an Ancient Greek beverage used for interrogation of suspected philosophers, such as the terrorist Socrates, and the public rewarding of known pedophiles such as Alcibiades and Plato. Commonly known as the elixir of truth, red wine is in no way credited to the Greeks, as they were far too concerned with producing fucking justice and participating the popular peon sport of politics to pay any attention to the development of an irresistible agent for extracting truth from society's most revered memebers.

[edit] Naming

The name is based on Marx's translation of the latic proverb "in vino veritas," which, is of course not available after the global elimination of class struggle, but thanks to Marx, we know the truth about historical dialectics and economics is found in the bourgeois pseudoscience of oenology. Many Yuppies and mothers who believe in homeopathy believe that the consumption of red wine has many positive benefits for overall health including, increased blood pressure, disposition to enjoy amphetamines and the god-given right to pretension. A recent study conducted by the Rip Institute for Secular Liberal Democracy indicates a strong correlation between pretension and constapation. This claim is denied by propietors of the some of the worlds most respected wineries, most notably Ayn Rand, who was quoted as saying "The stalwart consuption of fouty-six or fourty-seven glasses of red wine per day will ensure a healthy distraction from class-struggle... I've never known a good American capitalist who suffered from Gastro-Intestinal disorders." (See Also: Chrons Disease)

[edit] History of Red Wine

Red Wine was originally produced by a raving lunatic who was seeking to create the most insidious beverage ever produced by man. Black Wine was the only beverage available at the time, and using impossibly acquired Mendellian Genetics, a rogue extremist from the now defunct tribal faction of Islam bred successivley lighter and lighter varieties of Black Wine, eventually resulting in White Wine. Red Wine was the unintentional byproduct of this malicious genetic manipulation. Tensions have always been high between varying shades of wine and is cited as the most likely cause for the galactic civil war, which began in 1867. Red wine was clearly the inferior competitor in this hockeyesque struggle for racial survival, and upon it's defeat, retreated to the shit-covered plains of Africa where it began a vicious campaign of propaganda against the indigenous population, wherein many fake diseases (such as African Indigenous Dithyrambian Syndrome, or AIDS) were touted as existing, and as being solely cured by the rapacious skull-fucking one's first born. These diseases quickly spread throughout the African continent, but the tribal wisdom of the people ensured strict adherence to the U.N.-backed public skull-fucking campaign, which produced a quick victory over the AIDS virus.