Redneck Empire
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Your Text, Dialectized (redneck)
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Contents |
[edit] 1805-1810
Soon, other nashuns decided t'discovah noo info'mashun, while all of th' Redneck Empire's funds were put into designs fo' a perpetual moonshine device. Howevah, af'er th' death of Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Fust in 1805, all plans were halted, cuss it all t' tarnation. Af'er Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Fust came Billy Joe Billy Bob Junio', his harsh, unejoocayted son, as enny fool kin plainly see. He injoyed a lavish lifestyle, an' comman'ed his subjecks t'begin wawkin' on th' Aluminum House, an unheard of triple-wide, wif aluminum sidin's an' alexan'rite embedded in th' ceilin'. Upon its compleshun in 1808, Billy Joe Billy Bob Junio' repo'tedly said, "Finally, a house fit fo' mah coon houn'dogs." He corntinued t'live richly until 1810, at which point angered townsfolk beat their plowshares into swo'ds an' busted into th' trailer. They stabbed him repeatedly, etch chile bein' allered one poke. Th' Aluminum House was then destroyed, an' menny of its riches is only now bein' discovahed, cuss it all t' tarnation.
[edit] 1810-1818
Af'er th' death of Billy Joe Billy Bob Junio' came a time of crisis. Th' empire was thrown into civil war, an' only in 1813 was a noo empero', Bubba th' Fust finally crowned, cuss it all t' tarnation. Bubba had previously been a juneral, an' was far mo'e popular wif th' varmints than th' upperclass. While menny of th' wealthier varmints had fo'med groups t'assassinate him, they mostly jest spent th' meetin's six packin' sto'e-bought likker, which infuriated th' varmints even mo'e. Bubba th' Fust, in an unprecedented move, declared war on th' rich. Af'er burnin' down th' local bait shops, which were owned by th' enemah "Wealthies," his troops proceeded t'th' upperclass districk. Such luxuries see hyar were houses wifout wheels, fishin' boats, an' repo'tedly some homes even had indore plumbin'. Af'er sech destruckshun, Bubba th' Fust was hailed as a hero. When his death finally occurred in 1817 due t'a beef on overdose, his funeral processhun measured at an estimated fo'ty-six trailers. Af'er th' death of Bubba th' Fust came Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Third, o' Billy Joe Billy Bob Junio' th' Second, cuss it all t' tarnation. Such facks were debated on over by leadin' drunken ramblers in th' area. Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Third inherited th' throne at only 6. Unfo'tunately, his empero'ship was plagued wif difficulties. As soon as he became empero', his nineteen sons an' fourteen dotters began fightin' on over th' hono' of bein' th' royal heir. Jest four months af'er th' co'onashun came a ho'rible dysentery epidemic. While this hyar was allegedly cuzd by six packin' moonshine made fum th' water of 'Bacco Pond, famed Redneck scientist Bubba Bubson was quoted sayin' "T'ain't nothin' wrong wit six packin' outta dem der pond, cuss it all t' tarnation." It sh'd be noted howevah, thet th' epidemic did ind thet winter when th' pond froze on over, makin' retrievin' water fo' moonshine impostible. All but one of Billy Joe Bob's chillun died, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' remainin' chile inherited th' throne in 1818, when a shed blew on top of Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Third, cuss it all t' tarnation.
[edit] 1820-1830
This hyar remainin' chile, Cletus th' Fust, had a reletively uneventful empero'ship, other than th' fo'mashun of th' Redneck Illiterati. Cletus died in 1826, makin' him th' oldess empero' evah at 27. When Cletus th' Fust died, he lef' two heirs, his twin sons Jebediah th' Fust an' Cletus th' Second. This hyar began th' Fust Hillbilligarchy. Jebidiah was an excellent manager, while Cletus th' Second was popular wif th' varmints. In 1828, Prussia declared war on th' Redneck Empire. Upon hearin' th' declareeshun, Cletus shouted "Brin' it on! Fry mah hide! Less show thet Tah-sar who's bost! Fry mah hide!" Prussia had declared war in hopes of of takin' corntrol of th' empire's massive moonshine resarves. Jebediah, havin' a tackical mind, led th' Redneck Empire's largess armah against th' Prussians, while Aestric van Hausbraun led th' Prussian fo'ces in th' invashun. Th' two armies finally met in July of th' same year at th' battle of Tar Rivah. While outnumberin' th' Prussians four t'one, th' Prussian troops were mo'e disciplined, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' Redneck Empire's armah cornsisted of 6,000 drunks armed wif .22's, 4,000 drunks on houn'dogs armed wif .22's, 14,000 drunks armed wif pitchfo'ks an' Redneck spears, an' five drunks wif barrels of gunpowder an' to'ches. Prussian fo'ces numbered 6,001 an' 1/4. Five hundred trained cavalry lancers, 1,500 cavalric riflemen, 4,000 moosketmen, an armed medic an' a ho'renjusly woun'ed man thet he was treatin'. When th' armies met, th' men holdin' th' barrels of gunpowder instantly set them off, an' due t'their unfo'tunately spaced posishuns, killed all but one man carryin' a pitchfo'k. Shet mah mouth! This hyar man, Billy Bob Cook, was shot 5,501times, then trampled an' stabbed, cuss it all t' tarnation. He died of related woun's three days later. Th' lostes were sevahe fo' th' Redneck Empire, though Prussia also had lostes. 1/4 of a casualty was repo'ted, due t'th' medic's incompetence an' decishun t'shoot Billy Bob Cook instead of tendin' t'th' injured, cuss it all t' tarnation. Back in th' capital of Redneckton, Cletus th' Second was not farin' as porely. Wif th' death of Jebidiah in th' battle, Cletus th' Second had become th' Redneck Empero'. Howevah, wif fo'ces corncentrated in th' Hickmoree Cemetery, Aestric van Hausbraun declared hisse'f t'be th' Eastern Redneck Empire, declarin' his capital city t'be Shineville. Not able t'fight back, Cletus grudgin'ly accepped corntrol of only th' Western Redneck Empire. Wif th' largess city th' town of Moontown, as enny fool kin plainly see. In February of 1829, Cletus th' Second died, namin' Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Fourth his successo' on his deathbed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Fourth, already late in life at age 17, wished fo' nothin' mo'e than t'reunite th' Redneck Empire while six packin' sevahal buckets of moonshine. Aestric, while havin' menny soldiers, had no means of obtainin' mo'e men, as enny fool kin plainly see. Af'er he took th' Eastern Empire fo' hisse'f an' refused t'give sovaheignty of th' lan's t'Prussia, he had been banished, cuss it all t' tarnation. Of course, nevah haf been plannin' t'go back ennyway, this hyar did not pose a threat. Howevah, th' deterio'atin' health of his troops did, cuss it all t' tarnation. While no soldier had yet died, most of them did suffer fum moderate colds. Takin' note of this, Billy Joe Billy Bob stopped th' impo't of all han'kerchiefs an' tissues. Wifout these items, Aestric's troops began sneezin' wildly, an' due t'their habit of keepin' their finger on th' trigger at all times, soon all but one Prussian lay daid. Seein' whut he had done, this hyar soldier shot hisse'f direckly between th' eyes. Aestric, who had been surveyin' th' troops, was also taken down, as was most of th' city. Billy Joe Billy Bob then reclaimed th' lan's, redeclared Redneckton as th' capital, an', an ackshun thet upset menny due t'his cornneckshuns wif th' business, gave Jethro's fixin' shack th' no bid corntrack t'rebuild Shineville. Soon af'er, near th' end of 1829, Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Fourth died of old age, wif Bubba th' Second named as his successo'. Bubba th' Second was a mo'e-ovah inepp ruler. Luckily, his reign was fairly uneventful, ah reckon. He spent money recklessly, an' when he died fo'ty-six possum win's were allegedly foun' in his 346 poun' carcass. Bubba, dyin' only four months af'er inheritin' th' throne, had not named an heir by th' time of his death in 1830. Havin' five sons, th' Empire was divided up between them, dawgone it. Bubba th' Third, Jethro th' Fust Jebidiah th' Second Cletus th' Third an' Johnny-Boy th' Fust etch received one fif'h of th' Redneck Empire.
[edit] 1830-1840
Not corntent wif their shares, th' five battled on indlessly. Alliances, treaties, an' ceasefires were quickly made an' busted. Jethro th' Fust had taken on over Bubba an' Johnny-Boy's lan's, while Cletus had cornquered Jebidiah th' Second by 1832. While Jethro had cornsiderably mo'e lan', Cletus had mo'e resources. War raged until 1835, when Jethro fell into a vat of moonshine an' drowned, cuss it all t' tarnation. While menny of his servants tried t'rexcue him, he refused he'p, havin' finally foun' happiness. Cletus th' Third ruled th' Redneck Empire until 1837, whar, an agin' man, finally collapsed, cuss it all t' tarnation. Af'er bein' hit wif a chair by heir Elmer th' Fust, of course. Elmer th' Fust's greed was only matched by his evil, ah reckon. He lived wifout th' concern of cost, injoyin' sech luxuries as indore plumbin', unchipped glasses, an' hundreds of servants makin' armpit noises durin' his meals. Elmer, while co'rupp, did expan' th' retches of th' empire cornsiderably, though only "so thet ah may turn th' citizens into may servants." He died a mere ten days af'er takin' th' throne, in a death docko's declared "a bad case of stabbedfif'ytimesintheheartitis." His intire fambly also dyin' of th' disease, a Redneck Guard offered t'take th' throne, thus bea-comin' Barney th' Fust.
[edit] 1840-present
Barney th' Fust's fust ack of business was buryin' a bloody knife. While it is unsartin whuffo' this hyar was done, it was in fack his only ack of business, despite remain' in power until 1842, at which point his oldess son Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Fif'h took corntrol of th' Redneck Empire. Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Fif'h, while see by menny as a pore on overall leader, c'd truly be bess dexcribed as unfo'tunate. Tenshuns between th' lower class an' th' far lower class had been risin', an' menny foun' th' govment at fault. On June 9th, 1843, began whut'd be known as th' Hick Revolushun. Th' Hicks, feelin' mistreated due t'th' lack of moonshine they were allered fo' their servitude an' their slower than specked assimilashun into th' Redneck populashun led t'all out war. On th' ninth, twenty-five thousan' Hicks sto'med th' capital, fo'cin' Billy Joe Billy Bob th' Fif'h t'surrenner t'their deman's fo' th' time bein'. As hundreds of mo'e Hicks interred th' capital ev'ry day, th' Redneck Empire's armies sar their posishun weaken, as enny fool kin plainly see. Havin' only fo'ty thousan' min in all, thirty thousan' of which were in th' field, they had no chance of defeatin' whut had sfineed t'thirty-five thousan' Hicks. Meanwhile, Billy Joe Billy Bob was fo'ced t'sign paper af'er paper (wif an "X," of course) diminishin' his inaliable rights of squan'erin' funds an' not havin' t'give moonshine t'Hicks. By Ockober, th' Redneck Armah had cornscripped sixteen thousan' mo'e soldiers t'fight fo' their cuz. While still not at a noomrical advantage, th' mo'e disciplined troops of th' armah c'd easily on overpower th' Hick fo'ces. On Ockober 7th, 1843, Juneral Enis led his 26,000 min into th' city. Th' Hicks havin' sealed th' entrances t'th' chain-lock fence thet surroun'ed th' city, troops had t'use a buttery piece of houn'dog t'bust down th' gate. Bein' unable t'see through t'th' city due t'th' thick layer of rest which incased th' fence, th' troops were shocked, cuss it all t' tarnation. Th' entire city had been leveled, wif only ashes an' aluminum kins remainin'. Bubba th' Fif'h too had been killed in th' fires, which is estimated t'have happened far befo'e Ockober. His exack date of death is still unknown, as enny fool kin plainly see. Upon seein' this, th' juneral declared hisse'f Empero' Enis th' Fust. Enis th' fust was dedicated t'th' expanshun of lan's, believin' thet th' management of th' empire "is too got-dang hard, cuss it all t' tarnation." Durin' his leadership, he nearly tripled th' size of th' empire befo'e settlin' down in 1846. Two years later, in 1848, he passed out an' later on due t'alcohol poisonin'. His son, Enis th' Second, took th' throne.
