Rednecks

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“They laik dem pertaters n' muracle whip sammages.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Rednecks

“I masturbate t'pictures of myself chewin' tobaccer.”

~ Redneck on himself

“Those foulish odious beings actually consider themselves human?”

~ Proper English Guy on Rednecks

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called expertsat Wikipedia have an article about Rednecks.

A modern Redneck, Billy Joe Bob Beaumont-Terwilliker Guthrey from Hickory, North Carolina.

A sub-hoomin species (Homo sapiens rusticus) foun' in th' United States, thunk t'be a descendant of Trimenjusfoot. Rednecks kin be identified by their pick up trucks, gun racks, rope, on over-alls, Budweizzu, cornfederate flags, "W" sticker an' chauvinist/racist attitudes. Communicashun between sech creatures include th' use of wo'ds sech as "Y'all", "Yeehaw! Fry mah hide!" an' "Git-R-Done!". Rednecks is usually see displayin' their "Southern Pride" despite their comically hilarious histree of racism, slavery, an' atrocity thet is th' staple of th' Blue Collar comedians. Eff'n yo' stumble upon a redneck, does not inrage it, thet will result in an instant ass-kickin'. Eff'n yer black, homosexual, autistic, o' an independent woomin wif an IQ higher than 'SPAM' it is bess to git outta th' South as soon as postible, as they doesn't take kindly t'yer type. Rednecks is th' swo'n inemies of hippies, autists, black varmints, Muslims, dimuhkrats, communists, wimmen, rich varmints an' ejoocated varmints.

Uh commun miscunsepchun be th' idea dat rednecks only live'un da south. But ifin's ya ain't careful ya could jus as easlie find yo'self cornhol'd in Bakersfield, CA or eny utha rural town in eny utha state fa that mattu. Jus visit any tral'r pawk fer pig skweelin lessuns.

1 Th' Langage
2 Preferred Vittles
3 Redneck Social Class Indicater
4 History of Rednecks
5 Thems that can read and whut can do math
6 Good Ole Boys
7 Where you can find Rednecks
8 Rednecks in Popular Culture
9 Signs
10 See also
11 External links

[edit] Th' Langage

Th' follerin' is a list of commonly used phrases:

"Squirt th' dirt" - Phrase indicating one is going to urinate.
"Makin' Mud" - Phrase indicating that one has diarrhea.
"Ffffang'iit roun' th' corna yaaww" - Indicating to undergo positive acceleration whilst piloting an automobile around a corner; aiming to obtain a state of drift.
"Hepyamaw" - Phrase used to inform a young child that their female parental guardian requires aid.
"Y'all come back now, Y'har?"- a term used t'info'm varmints of th' next box social, which usually hosts a large number of S&M sesshuns.
"Jeet yet?"- loosely translated as "have yo' ett up recently?"
"Comeeraminit" - Th' redneck is requestin' yer assistance. Waste no time in he'pin' them, fo' fear they will call yo' a fag, acco'din' t' th' code o' th' heells!
"Thims fightin' werds!"- th' soun' made t'initiate a jool. Th' loser perfo'ms hari-kiri, follered by a fine ol' fashion pokin'-of-the-co'pse-wif-a-stick. Shet mah mouth!
"Aw shit we gon miss th' Dukes"- Usually meant as a way t'info'm varmints thet their favo'ite show is about t'come on, although their is debate whether rednecks love th' Dukes Of Hazzard o' th' Masterpiece Theater mo'e.
"Faggots git out! Fry mah hide!! Fry mah hide!"

[edit] Preferred Vittles

A Redneck's natural enemy is the bear. A Redneck's only defence is to beat the bear off with a big ass fish.

When a redneck wakes in th' mo'nin' it commonly brushes it's teeth wif a fo'k covahd in baby oil t'clean their mouths as their mouth probably already smells like someone took a deooce in it. Rednecks typically feed on McDonald's, Hardees, pawk rinds, macaroni salad, gizzards, country buffets an' the followin':

(Hey that sounds kinda like...)
Hang on! Lemme finish:

Moonshine
Raccoons
Skunks
Other Roadkill

(Aw, nevermahnd!)

Although a Redneck kin survive fo' its intire trailer-boun' exissence on these staples, they tend t'git bo'ed wif this hyar hyar limited fare an' like t'divahsify their diet. Alternatives include Taco Bell, Burger Kin', Kittens, Beer (th' 6th Redneck grubgroup), an' thin's they killed wif their 12-gauges. These thin's include but is not limited t'Postum, Raccoon, an' Hamster.

[edit] Redneck Social Class Indicater

Unlike them other hoomins who fight on over social status, rednecks knows whar they stan' based on their residence.

High Class - A real house
Upper Middle - one o' them double wides
Lower Middle - plain old sin'le trailer
Low Class - a Trouse (a trailer thet has been added unto {trailer-house})
Below White Trash - Natakua, aka Spir't War'ter, Cawk Surker or From Indiana or old skool bus
Us - Outside somewhere

[edit] History of Rednecks

Main article: Redneck Empire

When th' south finally won th' Civil war in 2000 wif th' eleckshun of Dubya, rednecks populashun sploded, cuss it all t' tarnation. Hatched fum eggs incubated in moonshine, rednecks whar th' disposable clone armah designed t'win th' civil war. Wif no war t'fight, rednecks corntinued their misshun fum th' sacred texts of allah, th' destruckshun of dem faggot's (John-Boy 13) Dem faggots include the: Jews, Mexicans, french, animals, democrats, blacks, an' the dawgoned-est hated inemah of all, th' sober. Armed wif shotguns an' jacked up pickup trucks, th' NRA (Nashunal redneck armah) corntinues their sacred misshuns, an' wif speckacular success. Majo' NRA companies, sech as John-Boy Deere, Chattanooga Daniels, an' Ezekiel th' Cable guy inc. haf funded this hyar freedom fightin' o'ganizashun.

Redneck public transportation

[edit] Thems that can read and whut can do math

Jeff Foxworthy
George Dubya Bush (even ifs it do be at jess a third grade level)
Ron White
Larry the Cable Guy
Shane Byrne
J. B. Cannon
Dave Turin
Dubya Bush
The Entire City of Cleveland, up to AND including Drew Carey and Phil Curless.

[edit] Good Ole Boys

A redneck couple, with the man looking like a your typical wife beater and the woman wearing a confederate flag as a dress.

[edit] Where you can find Rednecks

The West Wing of the White House
The US army
Republic party rallies
Wal-Mart
The Red States
The South
- Alabama
- Arkansas
- Mississippi
- Tennessee
- South Carolina
- North Carolina
- Georgia
- West Virginia
KKK support rallies.
Monster Truck rallies
Iraq
Prison
Swamps
On top of their sister
Underneath their brother
Anywhere Coors is served
Family Reunions. (though they might not want to be interrupted, as they do love their relatives...)
Gas Stations (especially one with a Hardee's attached)
At a SUn Drop vending machine
Evil nation of Canada
Up your ass
At a Waffle House
With your mom
And of course Indiana
In their 1942 Chevy Flat Bed pick up truck
On the farm
At the bar
With their dog
Rascall Flatts concerts
Billy Ray Cyrus concerts
Britney Spears concerts
Shooting ranges (especially ones that serve beer or the ones where the guys bring beer)
AA meetings
In their trailers beating their wives and kids
Typical white racist quote~the reason why they are "allowed" to say the n word`.. "I could say that word cuz them people say it they selfs"
Uncyclopedia

[edit] Rednecks in Popular Culture

Dixie Chicks ( not so popular with da redneks nymore)
NASCAR
Blue Collar TV
George W Bush
Britney Spears
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Chris Crocker
Barney
Santa Claus
Darth Vader
Jon Gaunt

[edit] Signs

You might be a redneck if...

You think that Iraq is Tits made by apple.
your toilet is outside.
you listen to country music.
you huff kittens hourly.
run convient stores.
you're from Indiana.
have been shot in the neck...
own more than one musket.
your mother sang Sweet Home Alabama as a Lullaby to you as a chil.d
your role model is Larry the Cable Guy (or any Republican politician for that matter).
you slap your ass and yell "Kiss my ass!" after getting told off by a non-southerner.
Your neck is red.
you act homosexual towards one another and then deny it after the horse-back riddin'.