Reindeer

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

This is a Reindeer

This is not a Reindeer (nor is it a cat)

Reindeer are creatures who live in swamps, feeding on helpless prey which is unwarily passing by. They will eat almost anything, but their favourite snacks are Ho-Hos. The first reindeer was created by Dr. Ludwig von Frankenstein in his own secret laboratory, using only spare parts. They seldom make good pets, but some dedicated botanists have been able to train them.

Reindeer have razor sharp retractable horns made of raw energy. During an encounter with Christopher Columbo, a reindeer actually decapitated the explorer. This reindeer was promptly shot and killed, using several AK-47's and the Holy Hand Grenade. It's head is on display at the Library of Congress for all to see.

1 Arctic Reindeer
2 Polar Riendeer
3 Predator-Prey relationships
4 See Also

[edit] Arctic Reindeer

These are the natural, non talking forms of riendeer. They act just like normal deer, and so are not really even funny enough to mention here. Polar riendeer are a sub species of the Arctic riendeer which has evolved into being evil due to being used as slaves.

[edit] Polar Riendeer

These are the freaky, english speaking anthropomorphic animals Santa uses as slaves to pull his sliegh for 24 hours non stop every year on the night of December 24. Due to this cruel treatment, these riendeer have become highly dangerous carnivores, as well as decent assasins. These blood-thirsty creatures should not be approached under any circumstances, for they have evolved heat vision on top of their flying ability. The diet of these riendeer includes:

Smaller riendeer
Children
Almost any type of small animal
Chocolate Bars
Fried Chicken

[edit] Predator-Prey relationships

Reindeer, as cute as they may seem on the Christmas specials, are the primary food source of many predators. Some of which include:

The Arctic Wolf: This ruthless animal is immune to the Polar riendeer's venom and hunts Reindeer year-round. They have also been known to blow down the three little pigs' house, eat Red Riding Hood, attack Russian children and be sympathized by animal rights activists.

The Arctic Hare: This animal, cute as it may look, will ravage any living thing that comes near it. A perfect example of this occurred in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. However, Polar riendeer freqently cook them with their heat vision and serve them with butter.

The Average Finn: These primate-like animals are the top prey of the Polar Reindeer, which herd the humans up in tight groups, contain them in cages, and send them to human processing plants where they are made into the riendeer chow Santa feeds the riendeer. This chow also contains fish, rabbits, other Polar riendeer too slow to avoid being caught in the cages with the people, and feathers.

However, the common riendeer is commonly hunted by the Finns, who would love to shoot down Santa's sliegh. So obviously to solve this problem Santa carries around a shot gun.

The Friendly Postal Worker: These predators disguise as a friendly human delivering a package; however, their true form is unknown (see Chaos theory). They are known to ruthlessly murder common reindeer in their sleep and wear their skins as their disguise uniforms. Their remains are then used to create "letters" (an archaic form of communication before the internet and email were invented in 1 A.D.). Upon close inspection, one may see the remains of the slaughtered reindeer in the opening statement of each letter. (EX: Dear Joe...). For more information on these horrible beasts, see UPS. If one accidentally attacks a Polar riendeer, however, he is the prey.

Giraffes: Probably the reindeer's biggest predator. They herd them up and chase them over cliffs, then walk away to find more. Their on going feud can be dated back to the great war of the hoofed animals(year of war is unknown however). Giraffes feed on reindeer blood, and drink their meat, murdering them without mercy. Giraffes use their awesome ability of breathing lightning to fight against the reindeer's heat vision. As well as having needle sharp teeth that rip apart all space and matter, they also contain neuro toxins. Giraffes are known to play with reindeer's by whacking them into walls and tossing them up in the air, and torture them before eating them. Reindeer have no chance at all against these most evil species, you can almost feel sorry for the helpless riendeer.