Republic of the Congo
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“I came for the rubber, I came back for my lost limb.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Congo
“Nothing is wrong here. Those photos of mutilated rubber workers are doctored.”
~ Mobutu on the Congo
“Nothing is wrong here. Those photos of mutilated rubber workers are doctored.”
~ King Leopold I of Belgium on the "Belgian" Congo (1867-1958)
“Nothing is wrong there. Those photos of mutilated rubber workers are doctored.”
~ Dwight D. Eisenhower on the Congo
“Nothing is wrong there. Those photos of mutilated rubber workers are doctored.”
~ King Bauduin II of Belgium on the recently freed Congo
Contents |
[edit] Republic of Congo
The Republic of Congo is a country an area of land somewhere in Africa, probably on the eastern side. The Republic of Congo was a French colony until the French lost interest in the 1960s. Upon gaining independence, it was unruled by art college students, who naturally imposed Marxist rule. When the students reached their late 20s, they realised that Marxism didn't actually make much sense, so they tried democracy. When it became apparent that the population were not voting for the correct candidate, Denis Sassou Nguesso assumed the presidency after a brief and fairly civil war. The Republic of Congo is best known for being an African country region that has kept the same name for more than 3 months. The Republic of Congo is currently unruled by the beloved President Sassou.
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| Motto: Unity, Work, Vote for Nguesso | |||||
| Anthem: "Walk This Way" | |||||
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| Capital | Razzamatazville | ||||
| Largest city | Razzamatazville | ||||
| Official languages | French, Visual Basic | ||||
| Government | Streamlined Democracy in 1% of territory | ||||
| National Hero(es) | President Sassou. | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | 123 B.C. and again in 1967 | ||||
| Currency | Love | ||||
| Religion | Animism, Voodoo | ||||
| Population | 3,998,999 and 1 choice for president. | ||||
| Major exports | People who disagree with President Sassou | ||||
| Major imports | Feeble letters of complaint from the UN, Um Bongo | ||||
| National animal | Vulture | ||||
[edit] Demographics and Economy
98% of Congolese are employed in agricultural production, with the remaining 2% being employeed to write letters to Amnesty International telling them that everything is fine and that they really love President Sassou. Unlike backwards countries such as Great Britain, few people work in call centres, so things aren't so bad as long as you remember to vote for President Sassou.
[edit] History
[edit] Belgium's role in comparison to the congo
[edit] A Belgian recollects
[edit] An overly titled narrative history by Stephen Bergenloffs
I was only four when I first came to the Congo. It was a happy naiton, but it was known by the natives as the Kongo. As good Christians, we couldn't have them addressing the old J.C. as J.K., 'cos then people all over the internet wouldn't know what those "Kongolese" were talking about. And so it was that we came to the Congo, to spread the good word of Christ and the letter C. Soon, Kake became Cake, Khange, became Change, and King Leopold, well he just sort of stayed the same and all, beginning his name with a K like he did. Anyways, I bet the Ku Klux Klan would've gone nutters had they seen that they were spelling things all retarded like these Equitorial Africans had gone and done.
Before us Belgians came here those mean Portuguese fellers would come up the coast and just snatch babies and women, right from the Congo-mens' arms, and take them as slaves. Personally I don't think that's very nice. I mean, how would you like it if some bloke just came along and grabbed some biscuit you were eating, and told it to plant cotton and sugar? I mean really. So, now that us Belgians are here to tidy things up, we're going to do things right, I mean, why kill and oppress a people in your own country when there's a whole continent to take advantage of right outside your back door. I mean, it's just logic really. I wouldn't spank my neighbour's dog in my backyard. I'd do it in his. It saves time and money"
[edit] Tragedy follows
So the Congo became ruled by the Belgians, who killed about four thirds of the population and mutilated the rest. COME ON!!! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU. I'LL NEVER EAT YOUR BLOOD CHOCOLATE AGAIN!!! I MEAN REALLY!!! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING FOR TEN DECADES?!? KILLING CONGOLESE AND CUTTING OFF THEIR HANDS IF THEY DIDN'T FARM ENOUGH RUBBER?!? Wait, you actually did that? You really were? You shit me not?? OMIGOD!! FUCK YOU, YOU PIECES OF SHIT, ALWAYS DESTROYING EVERYTHING THE CONGOLESE CREATE!!! YOU TRY AND INVENT SOMETHING LIKE HUMANITARIAN AID!!!! I DON'T THINK YOU COULD, YOU TAINT!!!
[edit] What's This? Oh, more Tragedy
After the Belgians left in 1957, although a few stayed behind in Leopoldville to oppress "for old time's sake". However, democractically elected Patrice Lumumba was killed By Eisenhower and some dickhead named Eeben Axelroot. Then Mobutu came into power, and basically became the Black version of King Leopold, doing everything Leopold did but Leopold times worse, which earned him the nickname '"Leopold Squared"'. Remarkably Leopold is an actual numer equaling 1378.235 and that was exactly how many times Mobutu was worse than Leopold, Ironic Huh..
[edit] In Mobutu's Own Words
"DEAR FRIEND. YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO RECEIVE THIS COMMUNICATION BUT I KNOW YOU TO BE TRUSTWORTHY. GOD HAS CHOSEN YOU TO ASSIST IN IMPORTANT BUSINESS TRANSACTION, AND HE HAS AUTHORISED ME TO OFFER YOU 2% OF 3,000,000 DOLLARS THAT ARE LODGED AT THE BANK OF CONGO." - Mobutu77@hotmail.com
[edit] Well, actually not all famous Congolese are dictators
No, wait-all of them were.
| North Africa | South Africa · Algeria · Egypt · France · Libya · Morocco · Sudan · Tunisia · Western Sahara |
| West Africa | Benin · Burkina Faso · Côte d'Ivoire · Ghana · Guinea · Guinea-Bissau · Liberia · Mali · Mauritania · Niger · Nigeria · Senegal · Sierra Leone · Togo |
| Central Africa | Angola · Cameroon · Belgium · Central African Republic · Chad · Democratic Republic of the Congo · Equatorial Guinea · Tieland · Gabon · Republic of the Congo |
| East Africa | Burundi · Djibouti · Eritrea · Ethiopia · Kenya · Madagascar · Malawi · Mauritius · Mozambique · Rwanda · Seychelles · Somalia · Tanzania · Uganda · West Kenya · Zambia · Rhodesia |
| Southern Africa | Botswana · Gowandaland · Lesotho · Namibia · People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata · South Africa · Swaziland · Zululand |
| Our Benevolent Rulers | United Kingdom : Gibraltar · Indian Ocean Territory · Isle of Wight · Welsh Congo (Pitcairn Islands) |
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Categories: Rewrite/Medium | Rewrite | Incoherent | Africa | Countries
