Resume

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A resume (or résumé if you're an anal retentive jerk like those doofuses at Wikipedia) is a brief, organized list of calculated lies, embellishments, and misrepresentations written by desperate persons with the intention of securing employment at any place other than a fast food restaurant or a Supermarket™. It is typically written while currently already employed, and printed and copied on paper stolen from one’s current employer.

The contents of a resume varies, depending on how gullible one thinks one’s prospective new employer is. Once completed, the resume is usually submitted either to one potential new employer at a time along with a separate introductory fraudulent document known as a cover letter; or, alternatively, they are posted on specialized internet sites such as [1], where criminals, lunatics and otherwise deranged individuals, can access the resume and harass the author with email about home business ripoffs. Resumes are rarely used by actual businesses as the basis for hiring; most such decisions are based on more solid criteria such as nepotism, race or religious prejudice, or random sexual encounters. Most resumes are used solely by Human Resources departments in companies to justify their existence (and their huge budgets) for receiving, sorting, storing, ignoring and shredding resumes.

This is your resume on drugs. Don't do it. Use live ammo.

[edit] Items to include in a typical resume

• Birth Name and your current alias
• Gender, if applying for a stereotypically gender-specific job
• Fraudulent degrees clumsily disguised as genuine
• Inflated responsibilities at previous jobs (preferably with vague names that sound as if everyone should know them, thus making it impossible for the prospective employer to ask for specifications)
• Membership in irrelevant, but important or cool sounding organizations
• Sexual acts you are willing to perform to get/keep the job
• Expected salary (just to get a laugh out of HR) (if any)

[edit] Items to exclude in a typical resume

• Age (they’ll find out anyway)
• Race (they’ll find out anyway)
• Religion (if different from the boss’s)
• True employment history (obviously)
• Arrest record (for felonies; misdemeanours like indecent exposure are OK)
• Hobbies (if they don’t involve kitten huffing)

[edit] Is a resume always necessary?

One should always submit a resume whenever seeking new employment. It is often true that menial, unimportant jobs are upgraded in importance and salary simply by the applicant’s submission of a polished resume. Consider the list below of lower class jobs and their corresponding high-class gigs obtained by the mere flashing of a resume (with some concrete examples as well):