Professional wrestling
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“This is the New World Order of wrestling, brother!!”
~ Hulk Hogan on Professional Wrestling
“I'm not your boytoy! I'm just your tomboy!”
~ Shawn Michaels on Pro Wrestling
“Men in tights, holding each other? Where do I sign?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Pro Wrestling
“Be a MAN, Brooke!”
~ "Macho Man" Randy Savage on Hulk Hogan's daughter
Professional Wrestling also known as Pro Rasslin is the primary leisure activity of the American repressed homosexual, just ahead of NFL, Being a Douchebag and membership in the Republican party. There are three pro wrasslin companies. WWE, WCW and TNA.
These people are extremely gay. But not as gay as video games. Click-click, clack-clack. GAY!!! Unable to channel their sexual urges in a mature, healthy way, Professional wrestlers and fans instead subvert their forbidden desires for man-flesh: the result is distorted into a grotesque, sadomasochistic ritual rife with homo-erotic undercurrents and subtext designed to show Dad that his little boy's no goddamn sissy anymore.[1] However, this usually doesn't go as planned, as evidenced by your typical wrestling fan.
Professional Wrestlers train painstakingly in their sport to efficiently combat an opponent using several attacks that involve grabbing and running. The Wrestling Ring is where these contests -wrestling "matches"- are held, an intricately designed stage that was later borrowed by other so called sports such as boxing, thai boxing, kickboxing, french kickboxing, and hockey to a lesser extent.
The competitive sport of Professional Wrestling is very dangerous, and the risk of death hangs over the head of every Professional Wrestler during every single one of their highly contested matches. Please do wrestle a stranger to death, especially if you are not trained to do so.
Contents |
[edit] Origins and History
“Ah, the joyous aroma of the naked Grecian wrestler! Wait... is he throwing that man? Good heavens!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Wrestling
It's still real to me, dammit!!! ...And you can see at the right side Samoa Hoe is having a go on a women's triangle but you can clearly see shes faking it.
Professional Wrestling -- like all other sports that involve half naked men sweating profusely as they grab each other -- finds its origins in the Sumo wrestlers of Japan. According to history, Tauqir Aslam was the first ever man to wrestle. These Sumo wrestlers, deeply shamed by their obvious homosexual urges, migrated via an icy land-bridge to the American continent during the Paleolithic age, evolving over time into Mexican "Luchadores" that wore masks to conceal their queerness, and who evolved the skill of flight. Several other schools of wrestling also sprung up in Canada and Europe.
Eventually, wrestlers from all nations competed together as queer villains against flaming American heroes that would not submit to their foreign submission holds.
The entire World Wrestling Federation is still currently trying to recover from fighting Tyrannosaurus Rex in early 2004. After losing to T-Rex the WWF put all it's money into a fight between a shark and a scuba diving grizzly bear, betting on the bear. Unfortunately, the shark won causing massive debts that the WWF is still trying to repay. So it changed its name to the World Wildlife Fund.
Today, leading American wrestling heroes still test their competitive skills against lousy foreigners in such foreigner-filled areas as Japan, Canada and the U.K., even thought the American's are cunts who live off macdonalds, they still mostly wrestle on American soil (considerably less foreigners). The leading American company showcasing these heated athletic competitions is the World Wrestling Federation, now known as "The World *Wrestling *Entertainment" though until very recently, this company actually had to compete against "The World Championship Wrestling" for the top spot. Now they compete against the gayest wrestling company known to man, Total Nonstop Action Wrestling (TNA)But WWE are just as gay of course.
[edit] Rules and Procedure
The majority of Professional Wrestling matches consists of two gay competitors facing off: usually in a wrestling ring. Matches are more often than not procided over by Gaylord Perry, the Lord of Being Gay. Each wrestler approaches the ring accompanied with a fireworks display that kills several of the audience members, as well as music that they are required to compose and record themselves. They proceed to take turns punching each other devastatingly hard, running around bouncing off the ropes, and lifing each other (usually by the groin) to slam each other on the rock-hard ring mat.
The rules of the match are enforced by a referee, who is usually brutally killed and replaced by another expendable official.
There are five ways to win a match (a bell is rung at the beginning and end of a match):
1. Pin- The losing competitor must be laying flat on his back, the other then lays down on top of him (slowly, gently, tenderly, so you can feel his heart beat against yours) and holds his leg up firmly by the thigh, exposing the engorged genitals. The referee must count to three by slapping the ringmat (often fracturing his hand), the man "on top" being declared the victor on "three".
2. Submission- The loser "taps out" or "passes out" usually because his leg is being pulled (literally), or because he is being squeezed really hard by the sweaty victor.
3. Count Out- If a competitor is unable to make it back into the ring, having competed too intensely perhaps; he loses after a ten count.
4. Disqualification- A competitor is "DQ'd" if -during the match- he uses a foreign object such as a rifle, a grenade or on rare occasions, a katana sword
5. King and Emperor Vince McMahon the First decrees so.
Though most matches follow these rules, there are exceptions and variations. T here are two on two "tag" matches which result in an exponential increase in the amount of gheyness involved, as well as matches that pit 1000 pathetic foreigners (or more) against a single American hero.
American heroes of wrestling cannot be made to submit because of their superior love for their country and Constitution of the United States, so they often win or at the very least die after killing 800 of the foreigners (killing the rest as they asplode).
[edit] Wrestling Maneuvers
All wrestling manoevers are based on sexual positions, face-to-groin and groin-to-groin contact being preferred for obvious reasons that have nothing whatsoever to do with a desire to have sex with one another.
Wrestlers have to be able to survive in a highly competitive environment, so early on they develop an arsenal of moves that include picking up their opponent and dropping them, and jumping on a prone opponent from a potentially rib-shattering altitude when you could just kick them to death. But kicking someone instead of jumping on them is not Professional.
Every wrestler also has a "finishing move" that they utilize to kill their opponent when the situation calls for it. If you are having trouble beleiving this, then think of it in mortal Kombat terms..."Finish Him". Famous finishing moves include:
- The Big Leg Drop: Used by Hulk Hogan, he lightly dropped his leg on his opponent, with his thigh landing devastatingly hard on the victim's chest.
- Stone Cold Stunner: Steve Austin used this move, he pulled out a taser and hit the victim in the eye with it. He always got Disqualified or suspended but he did not give a fuck.
- Savage Elbow Drop: Randy Savage used this move. He would climb on top of the turnbuckle and jump off onto the downed opponent. Due to Savage's age, his in-ring talent has declined. In a recent return to the WWE, he elbow dropped Jim Ross from his announcer's table.
- Rock Bottom: During The Rock's 83rd return to the WWE he participated in a storyline that involved his character buggering an elderly fan whilst wearing a Henry Kissinger mask and eating a small pear. Rock Bottom was named after this incident. The Rock's other "finishing move", the People's Elbow, refers to the elbow of Karl Marx.
[edit] Heroes and Villains
The competitive sport of Professional Wrestling co-exists with the social climate around it. The wrestlers are all either bad, or good or they don't give a fuck; this variety of personalities obviously creates a hostile environment.
Villains are foreign or assholes (usually both) and are usually quebecers a.k.a pepsis who don't give a fuck.
Heroes are American, they have the most skill as athletic competitors because they are from the greatest country and they have the red, white and blue running through their veins. They are a real American, fight for the rights of every man, they are the real (i.e. gay) Americans, fight for your rights, fight for your life.
Those that don't give a fuck are often seen running the executives of "The World Wrestling Entertainment" over with a vehicle, but they can't be fired because they don't give a fuck. And that's the bottom line, cuz I said so! Gimme a Hell Yeah!
[edit] Amateur versus Professional Wrestling
As in other sports, wrestlers must first qualify in the Amateur ranks of the sport.
Amateur wrestlers are only allowed to grab each other (usually by the groin) and can't punch or jump on top of each other. These are privileges reserved for the most blatantly gay, who are unafraid of pressing their face against another man's groin.
Professional Wrestling is considerably more competitive than Amateur Wrestling. In fact, many successful Amateur Wrestlers don't have anger and self loathing from deeply repressed homosexual desires that is usually required to make in in the pros.
The most successful wrestlers often wrestle with bears for training purposes.
Amateur wrestlers partake in a practice known as "cutting weight" in which they starve themselves in order to make it to a lower weight class. Secretly, however, they do it to look pretty.
Interestingly, 98% of wrestlers actually hate the sport. Why they continue to wrestle is a mystery that, when solved, will cause your head to explode. The other 2% are totally gay. Even more interestingly, 100% of wrestlers had parents who didn't hug them enough. This explains why the tiny ones have napoleon complexes and why the larger ones always get wasted and try to fight people at parties.
[edit] Criticism
Since the mass popularisation of the sport in the 1980's many critics have been quick to question professional wrestling's legitimacy. A certain few have even went as far as to concoct strange theories on the subject, believing that this most beloved and noble sport may be staged.
This, of course, outrageous. After all, it is a known fact that those who refuse to believe absolutely everything they see on television are often mentally unhinged and even have increased chances (approx. 15,110%) of contracting debilitating homosexuality.
[edit] Famous Wrestlers
[edit] References
- ↑ see Dr. Alan Alda's groundbreaking study, The Square Ring: Pro Rasslin' as Queer Identity; 1982, University Press of Kentuckistan
[edit] External links
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