Richard Bedford Bennett

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The Right Honourable Richard Bedford Bennett was the 11th Prime Minister of Canada and one of history's most successful virgins.

[edit] Early Life

Bennett was a big fan of Star Wars. However, he could never get a girlfriend, much less a wife. He became a lawyer in an attempt to make himself more appealing. However, women still did not find him attractive at all, due to his acne and social ineptitude. Only his sister Mildred could tolerate his behaviour toward the soi-disant fair sex.

Here he is with his sister Mildred riding around in his Bennett buggy; Library and Archives Canada C-021528

[edit] Appointment as Prime Minister

Bennett believed his big break came in 1930 when a fellow Star Wars fan and virgin, William Lyon Mackenzie King, asked Bennett to fill in for him as Prime Minister of Canada while he went on vacation to Germany for five years. Bennett believed that holding the office of Prime Minister would boost his sex appeal. Still, he was so socially maladjusted and unattractive that he could not get a girlfriend. His attempts to court attractive young ladies by offering to appoint them the Minister of Finance were fruitless, and, thus, like John Diefenbaker during the First World War, he did not see any action.

[edit] The Great Depression

Bennett was heralded by the Canadian People for his leadership and inventiveness during the Great Depression. When people could no longer afford gasoline (or petrol or whatever Canadians call it), he invented the "Bennett buggy", which was a car that he modified to be drawn by horses. When people could no longer afford blankets, he invented the "Bennett Blanket", which was a blanket made out of newspapers. When people could no longer afford boroughs, he invented "Bennett Boroughs" which were made out of cardboard.

Other things he invented include:

• Bennett Bills
• Bennett Basketball
• Bennett Bowls
• Bennett Bakeries
• Bennett Bread
• Bennett Biscuits
• Bennett Blender
• Bennett Braces
• Bennett Bongs
• Bennett Blinder
• Bennett Bolt-on-Funbags

He also did what no other Prime Minister had the guts to do: put all of the unemployed riff-raff where nobody had to look at them. He placed all of Canada's hobos in death-camps in the middle of nowhere. His hobos were so grateful for the opportunity to work that they started the On-to-Ottawa Trek to personally thank him. However, the Prime Minister could only accommodate a limited number of guests. He set up a draw for who would get to meet him, and five lucky winners were selected to meet Bennett. The frustration among the many losers led to a riot in Regina.

[edit] Exile

Mackenzie King was furious at how Bennett upstaged him. So furious, that, in fact, he was not only fired as the Prime Minister, but he was kicked out of the Ottawa Star Wars fan club. Three years later, Mackenzie King banished him to England because he never wanted "to see Bennett's stupid face again." Bennett made one last attempt to get some before he died by getting a temporary membership in the House of Lords, but not even British women found him attractive.

Prime Ministers of Canada
Macdonald | Mackenzie | Abbott | Thompson | Bowell | Tupper | Laurier | Borden | Meighen | King | Bennett | St. Laurent | Diefenbaker | Pearson | Trudeau | Clark | Turner | Mulroney | Campbell | Chrétien | Martin | Harper