Richard Dawkins
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“The man is a god”
~ A weak atheist on Richard Dawkins
“A petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully who can't take my Divine Jokes less seriously...”
~ God on Richard Dawkins
A biologist, writer, scientist, philosopher, free thinker, artist, humanitarian, pacifist, zoologist, propagator of Darwinism, defender of human rights, supporter of rational thought, public speaker, and a master debater all frequently lecture at the same university as Richard Dawkins (Southwest Baptist Theological College in Waco, Texas).
Dawkins began his academic career as a drug fueled tramp who hung around Oxford and believed it was not butter, from then on Dawkins went on to reject the existence of everything, even himself. In fact, Dawkins claims this article does not exist and that you are not even reading it. The only thing Dawkins believes to be real is the existence of Daleks whom he backs in the hopes of creating a more racially pure Earth.
Dawkins himself, the result of a gradual evolution of genes, memes and enzymes over a long period of time, is best known for constantly taking on Jesus and God in a three-way steel cage match. In these bouts, Dawkins goes by the name "Ricardo 'Superfly' Hawkman" (not to be confused with Jimmy Superfly Snuka). Sadly for Dawkins, his screaming "You're not REEEEEEEAL!" always results in him taking the same ass kicking The Undertaker handed out to Kane at Wrestlemania XX. Worse still, Dawkins enjoys it!
Dawkins coined the phrase "fundamentalist atheist", in order to attempt to refute the fact that he is one of them. His main inspirations (according to his MySpace and Fan Club website) are Bertrand Russell and Antony Flew (before he started believing in God, when he used to be a campaigning atheist as well).
Dawkins used to be quite a good intellectual when writing about Biology. Then he discovered he could make a living by erecting strawmen, and now exclusively does this instead. Whilst not having a sexual orgies, including his favourite - a foursome with Dennet, Harris and Hitchens - Dawkins can be found divorcing several women and remarrying multiple times.
Where throughout most of human history the existence of Richard Dawkins was regarded as common knowledge, following Al Gore's groundbreaking invention of the Internets, doubt has been cast on the notion of Dawkin's existence. Where a small number of specialists still choose to believe in the existence of a Richard Dawkins, these individuals are largely seen as frauds and charlatans in their respective fields of study. In a lengthy interview with Space-Time magazine, the God of the universe stated (and I quote), "Dawkins does not exist, never has existed and never will exist. He is a figment of your imagination -- conjured up through millions of years of biological evolutionary processes."
[edit] Life and Evolution
Dawkins was born as a monkey and raised in Africa. By the time he was 21 he had reached a fairly early ape-hood and after brief periods spent as Homo Habalus, Homo Rudolfensis, and of course the ever-memorable Homo Ergaster he reached the state of Homo Erecutus some time in his late 40s. Nowadays Richard spends his time as a Human Being. Rumours over his Homeopathy and Homosexuality cannot be disproven, and therefore we can assume there is a 50/50 chance of their truth.
Often known as "Darwin's Bitch", since birth Dawkins has evolved into many different species, subspecies, phyla, and even fauna and flora. He spent time in the Galapagos Islands as a lichen, and later a few years as a liverwort in Madagascar (where he was an extra (named Liverwort) in the film Madagascar). Here is a quote from him as a liverwort: "."
[edit] Background
Son of slave-traders, he was clearly a spoiled and criminally undereducated child, he originally discovered god whilst in a shopping centre, and has been trying to work out why he doesn't exist ever since he started trying to work out why he didn't exist. (this was around the time he started trying to work out why god didn't exist.) As it is with children that have been denied access to examples of good and ethically sound morality - like the bible and the bible alone preaches - after a certain age has been reached, it will be too late to turn them to the good side. Until a child is 16 it is not too late to teach him or her the way of the lord and Christ our saviour; or the trinity, who are but then again are not three but one in all their three-ness; or how the Catholic community of 4000+ supernatural beings is really truly actually monotheistic. But after this age of reason is is almost impossible to undo the brainwashing that agnosticism, or even the devils own Atheism have inflicted upon the child.
Calling a child an Atheist child should make people curl up in horror and start praying to Mary. The child is not an Agnostic or Atheist child; it is a child of morally depraved parents, or maybe a:
- Satan child
- Spawn of Satan
- Child of pagans
- Damian
- Captain Howdy
- Son of Barney the Dinosaur
- Child without a future.
- Master Bates
The child itself can not guess how ethically challenged his or her parents are for itself.
Such was the case with Richard Dawkins, who quickly started to pick fights that were totally uncalled for with Supernatural entities, deities and other perfectly fine dogma, that until then stood the test of time as moral and ethical guidelines for all God's children on earth. He continues to attack the morals of religious groups, however, not in a way that is critical of the morals themselves but of the supernatural force believed to enforce the morals. So even if the moral is justifiable through logical and scientifically sound ways it doesn't matter, the believer is still wrong in his eyes, much is the same view for many Atheists. Dawkins is fond of saying, "There is absolutely no absolute truth!" (Please, no snickering in the audience.)
[edit] Early work
Soon after accepting his incredibly small penis , he successfully completed a study in biology with a master degree on the origin of species by means or incremental changes caused by smalll random alterations to various genetic structures happening over long periods of time , or evolution for laymen, he fiercely tried to make a name for himself within the scientific community through speeches, confusing debates and occasional handjobs. In the 1980's he tried to start a bbc4/discovery type of documentary called "Watching evolution" . This was unsuccessful, since evolution takes a very long time, and life is short according to evolutionists anyways
[edit] Watching evolution
Due to public disinterest, this show was pre-emptively cancelled, and only a handful of people have seen the pilot. Not a lot of copies go around today, probably caused by the nauseating boredom it inflicted upon its unfortunate viewers during 8550 weekly shows divided into 14 week seasons running for about 600 years (reruns were not yet scheduled).
Pilot Episode 1
Several experiments are being set up to watch evolution in action. Three species have been set up within a slightly alternating environment that should cause the offspring to slowly adapt to these new unfamiliar surroundings.
The casino experiment
This setup proved to be difficult to predict. On the one hand, a patch of clovers in a casino can possibly be expected to thrive on luck, therefore Darwinian law would dictate that the four leaved variety would become more ubiquitous. On the other side, luck could be a rather dangerous attribute to the species' survivability. An entity in a casino that is too lucky is often escorted to the backroom to "talk" with security.
War zone front lines
This experiment predicted that within no time, evolution would transform the currently mostly mild-mannered and pacifistic peace flower community into gun-toting, grenade-hurling blood-craving maniacs that shoot anything that moves (in the wind). A peace flower with a bazooka and a leaf inferiority complex is not a pretty sight...
Volcano
By throwing a couple of monkeys down a volcano, Dawkins tried to get Natural Selection to, not to put to fine a point on it , speed_the_fuck_up . Dawkins predicted that very very very soon the monkey would have to evolve asbestos underpants to successfully survive.
It was much to his surprise that, literally within days, it seemed the monkeys had transgressed their earlier form to evolve in the best possible way in order to survive in a pit of hot molten rock. All the monkeys had, within the current generation, evolved their hot red asses out of that volcano.
"Huzzah!" Richard Dawkins proclaimed, "A great victory for natural selection, Huzzah!".
It was after this debacle that Richard Dawkins realized that evolution was just too fucking slow to do anything useful with. You just can't have any good old fun with a process that needs millions of years to just change a nose or an ear by a small amount.
No, Evolution was not it.
[edit] Venturing into the supernatural
One good day, bored out of his huge skull, Dawkins decided to go to the fair. At this so-called fair, he observed a booth where one could, or so the sign told, get his or her future predicted by various means like Hand reading, Holistic revelation, tea-leaf watching and dream analysis. Richard Dawkins felt sincerely that this whole endeavour was a bunch of puppy-droppings and went inside to debunk the whole scam.
| Dawkins: Gypsy, I will enlighten you and reveal your supernatural rubbish to be just that, Superstitious nonsense designed to lie to people |
| Gypsy: Ha professor Dawkins, I predict that you will fail.. |
After spending 15 pounds and failing to convince the palm reading astrological booth owner to see the error of his ways, Richard Dawkins took it upon himself to successfully predict the awful demise of this Gypsy's tent and, indeed, whole enterprise.
Soon thereafter Dawkins set the tent alight, and while it burned to the ground with Gypsy and plastic crystal ball still inside, he made up the score.
Dawkins 1 - 0 Mumbo Jumbo Super-naturalistic nutcases.
After this glorious win over Astrological nonsense and this clear victory for rational thinking, Richard Dawkins got the taste for it and went on to lead a series of victories.
List of early Victories over the supernatural and the absurdly improbable
- Wotan ( head caved in by own hammer )
- Unicorns ( impaled upon their own uni-horns )
- Smurfs ( captured and sold to Gargamel )
- Teapot in orbit around mars ( blasted to tiny bits by nuclear missile )
- Elves ( stepped on them )
- Zombies ( curing them )
- Honest politicians and lawyers ( sued a politician )
- Bigfoot (Shot with an elephant gun and turned into a rug)
- The Loch Ness Monster (Caught with a net and turned into tuna)
- Elvis Presley (Found at a Burger King and put in a retirement home where nobody believes that he is the real Elvis Presley, only an Elvis Impersonator)
- Smashed a backboard in a basketball game with a slam dunk -- oh wait, that was Darryl Dawkins.
Dawkins 10 - 0 The Yada Shmada Gobblygooky voodoo hooly groolies..
[edit] Alleged 'Charity' RDFRH
Dick has recently set up his personal 'charity', the Richard Dawkins Foundation for Religious Hatred (RDFRH). Its stated mission is "to promote the widespread hatred of all religions and the irrational misrepresentation of all religious people, their beliefs, conduct and motivations." The 'charity' also hopes "to wipe religion off the map for good, and replace it with my own narrow-minded worldview: Antisocialism, Social Darwinism, Otterism, casual attitudes to sex and relationships, scientism, Silly Nannyism, and no fun whatsoever."
[edit] The real deal
All this hocus pocus mumbo jumbo fairy tail debunking is all very nice and all, but, as Dawkins came about to see, not all that exciting. Richard felt he was up to bigger challenges, and so it came to be that a good friend of him offered him the quest he was looking for.
Douglas Adams, a good friend of Dawkins, was kind enough to point him towards the most famous and ambiguous form of higher being in the universe - Adams himself being somewhat of a authority on the subject of the universe itself since, not very coincidentally, he wrote the hitchhikers guide for the place. Douglas Adams proposed to challenge The God of Abraham, The Big one, The daddy of mac daddies, The almighty kahuna, The SHIT. Yes, Adams told Dawkins to go after Yahweh himself, The lousy fuck-tart, as he so elegantly put it.
[edit] Attacking God
The review.
Round 1.
The Out of this world fight between God and Richard Dawkins began slowly with each fighter carefully sizing up the other, and towards the end of the round they began using more kicks to the hips and legs and the odd ontological argument from god.
Round 2.
The second round began to get more interesting as many more punches were thrown and a fair amount of Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem was used by God. Both fighters looked determined and were often locked together using lots of debunking techniques and arguments.
Rounds 3 and 4.
In the third round God fought back, also using a lot of intelligent design against his opponent, keeping him mainly on the defense during the entire round. Dawkins also seemed to tire during this round but came back in full force in the fourth round. He landed some good hits to creationism using all the limbs allowed in the debate and quoting from the blind watchmaker.
Round 5.
The fifth round began with a lot of kicking which continued throughout, becoming more and more exciting with Dawkins having the slight advantage over God using Occam's razor. Even though God fought his way back from round three, he still did not manage to outplay his opponent, and Dawkins was declared victorious.
Afterthought:
The match was played tactfully, not to say tactically. Arguments were closely matched, using as much rhetoric and as many paradoxes as possible. Only towards the end did it become more exciting when proper fallacies were debunked and both Richard Dawkins and God used the top ropes a lot more.
On their experiences:
Dawkins, "I could never see Him, but I kicked His ass."
God, "Fight, what fight?"
Satan, "I'll fuck you in the ass Dawkins, then I'll shit on yo face!!!!!"
In an alternate reality, in a parallel antimatter universe, the fight went like this:
Dawkins, "So, God, can you make a rock so big that even you cannot lift it?"
God, "Let's find out. Hrrrrmmmmpppppfffffhhhhh!"
The Result:
A giant rock forms in the sky, and falls at a rate of -9.8 meters per second per second and smashes Dawkins flat.
God "Any other questions, dumbass? Didn't think so."
Of course none of that happened in reality, it happened in a reality totally opposite of ours. In our reality God does a little Atheist huffing from time to time, but does not actually fight atheists.
[edit] Founding of the incoherent Atheists
Not all atheists are like Richard Dawkins, most people would be shocked to know that. Some atheists are coherent Atheists who actually respect religious people and do not attack their religion or theories and feel that a person can choose their religion as a freedom and a right. Incoherent Atheists like Dawkins attack religion and claim that religion is not a right or freedom, it is a disease for which they must find a cure and free people from.
The main differences are quite more than that, a coherent Atheist will explain things using logic and reason and avoiding fallacies. Incoherent Atheists will use fallacies like personal attacks and strawmen arguments. Dawkins for example, would counter someone's belief in God existing by saying there is a teapot set orbiting the sun between Mars and Jupiter, which is a strawman argument. Dawkins basically creates something he feels is equally ridiculous to believe in and then attacks that and claims it is the same as the other argument. Like creating a straw dummy of your enemy and then fighting that strawman instead of the real person, then claiming victory over the real person. One time Dawkins used a strawman argument of a Flying Spaghetti Monster to counter Intelligent Design and accidentally created a new religion that Pirates wanted to join, but then oddly so did the teapot theory. But the teapot theory has potential, and Dawkins debunks the FSM. So sometimes Dawkins has to be careful in how he phrases his strawmen attacks. Another difference is that incoherent Atheists don't consider a religion like Judaism as being a race either, so being Anti-Semite is not the same as being racist, only problem is that the incoherent Atheist does not burn crosses like the KKK would, instead they just burn Darwin fish made out of wood instead when they want someone gone from their neighborhood. Coherent Atheists of course, do none of that, and are very ethical and moral, despite what George H. W. Bush claims to the ordinary, as the man is clearly a moron who only met incoherent Atheists in his misadventures and never met a real coherent Atheist.
Coherent Atheists do exist, and the incoherent Atheists while the minority have the loudest voices and tend to try to dominate Atheism the same way that Fundamental Christians are the minority in Christianity but have the loudest voices and try to control Christianity. In fact, Oscar Wilde having met Atheists trying to do a parody of incoherent Atheists on the Internet came up with Wilde's Law that the incoherent Atheist fake rant is hard to tell the difference from a real incoherent Atheist rant in the same way that Poe's law says that a Fundamentalist Christian fake rant is hard to tell the difference between the real Fundamentalist Christian rant. Which means when a coherent Atheist is joking, it is hard to tell if they are joking or are really serious and are an incoherent Atheist.
[edit] Published works
- Atheism: The Root of All Evil
- Defending the fact that atheism doesn't need defending
- ATHEISTS: Why We'Re Smarter Than You
- The Selfish Gene - A portrait of Hollywood actor and millionaire Gene Hackman.
- The Extended Finger - A scientist gives his genes the middle finger
- The Blind Watchmaker- About a guy that built terribly flawed/useless watches and clocks.
- The My Little Pony Delusion
- Ted Haggard can suck me.
- The Quest for the Castle of Nevermere: A Forgotten Realms Adventure
- Climbing Mount .. Wow, That's Too Fucking High, I'll Take the Elevator.
- The YOU delusion - On why you are nuts to think you are real.
- Drinking Mineral Water From The River of The Garden of Eden
- Tumbling down Mount Improbable
- The View While Tumbling down Mount Improbable (a small extract from Tumbling down Mount Improbable)
- Unweaving the Bible
- Our Ancestor's Biblical Tale
- My Youth as a Bengali Nightwalker: A Memoir
- A Bitter Old Man With Nothing Fresh to Say About Gene Selection Just Decides to Be a Gigantic Tool
- Harry Potter and the Four Horsemen
- The Vorlon Delusion
- Why there almost certainly is no Santa Claus
- A Closet Chaplain: Confessions of a Bible-basher
- I waited 4 billion years to be born and all I got was this lousy intellect
- Climbing Mount Ararat On A Wing And A Prayer
- Only A Priori?: Celebrating Charles Darwin's "Origin of the Feces"
- I'M A BELIEVER!
- Okay, I was Just Kidding
- Or Was I...?
- Buy this book because it has my name on the cover
- Why my biology knowledge makes me a top-notch philosopher on the God question
- A Critique of the critiques of my critique of violent religions
- Rant out of my a**
- Attacking a Straw-man: A How-To Guide for Atheists
- 400 pages promoting atheism, which proves I am not an evangelical atheist
- Okay, fine, I admit it, I'm a cunt
[edit] The Flying Spaghetti monster delusion
- See also: Disproof of the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Writing his latest project, The FSM Delusion has sadly ground to an early halt. After two years of painstakingly and with almost surgical precision taking apart the myth of the FSM and all the attributes that make up this faith-system, Dawkins himself had to conclude that the "debunking" of the holy Flying Spaghetti Monster was a tough nut to crack. So much so that in fact, the closest he came to raising doubt on the matter was that at fifty-fifty odds the Flying Spaghetti Monster may or may not contain (traces of) nuts.
This logical setback was not the only hardship that Richard Dawkins had to endure whilst in the process of beating into submission this fairytale noodly deity. On a lazy Sunday afternoon reclining in the back garden accompanied by a pint of fine cider he set out to write the preface to the FSM delusion. He wrote the following:
In chapter 1 I will try to show you why argument in favor of the existence of any form of higher levitating noodle super-being is quite weak. Weak enough, in fact, to state that such a creature is so very improbable that its so-called existence...
The Preface stops here; Richard Dawkins has since not been seen anywhere and people are still looking everywhere to find him. His wife Lalla Ward (Richard Dawkins married her because he's a Dr. Who fan) reported that she was about to join him in the garden when she saw a lightning flash and a loud bang. Then, she said, Richard was gone. People have combed the entire garden, but still no trace of Dawkins anywhere.
Not behind the bushes, nor in a tree. Not in a pond, Oh where could Richard be. Alas not in that pot, or hiding from rain And not near that suttoned black Dawkins-shaped stain ( Psalm 15:10 from the book of Dawkianity )
[edit] Dawkins' Delusions
While Dawkins makes merry sport with attacking other peoples' perceived delusions, Dawkins is afflicted with delusions of his own. Often he is called on to explain and justify these delusions by a questioner during his campus crusade speaking tours, where he proselytises atheism. Dawkins is compelled to hem, haw and spew forth two dozen rationalizations to justify his arrogant assertions. The most prominent delusion that Dawkins has supported publicly is his belief in life on other planets.
During a campus discussion held at Randolph-Macon Woman's College in Lynchburg, Virginia, a student asked him if there was any tangible evidence he could provide to support his belief in extra-terrestrial life. Dawkins provided a reply which is reproduced for this article in the following excerpt:
DAWKINS: Well my wife, actually.
STUDENT: Excuse me?
DAWKINS: My darling wife Lalla Ward is an alien from another world.
(Ten seconds of silence.)
STUDENT: Look, I'm asking a serious question here...
DAWKINS: My wife Lalla is from the planet Gallifrey, located in the constellation of Kasterborous.
STUDENT: That's not even a real place!
DAWKINS: It is so! It was discovered by astronomers funded by the Torchwood Institute back in 1972.
STUDENT: Isn't your wife an actress?
DAWKINS: My wife has a binary cardio-vascular system, and is capable of regenerating twelve times. She's saved this planet from total destruction more times than Jesus ever had. Don't you remember the incident where Count Scarlioni tried to retroactively abort all life on Earth by selling forgeries of the Mona Lisa? It was all over the news!
STUDENT: That was a television program.
DAWKINS: No, no, no, clearly you've DELUDED yourself into believing it was a television program. Look I realize it is counter-intuitive for many of you to believe that my wife is an extra-terrestrial super-hero, which is why you've created a collective false memory suggesting that the BBC news segment blowing the lid off the DaVinci Code conspiracy was only an episode from a science fiction adventure program. However, I've seen my wife's electrocardiograms. I've seen her change appearance from Mary Tamm to her current incarnation. I've even met her ex-husband, who happens to be from Gallifrey himself...
PRESENTER: Professor Dawkins, would you like to sit down for a minute? Can we get you anything? Some water, maybe?..<camera looks away from the interview>No get back Mr. Dawkins...arrrrgrggrgrgrggggg
<doctor who theme plays>
From the transcript of Prof. Richard Dawkins' visit to Randolph-Macon Woman's College in Lynchburg, Virginia on October 23, 2006.
Dawkins also believes in memes, which don't exist. What a deluded fool.
[edit] Dawkinism
Through the years gone by Richard Dawkins himself gained something of quite a unique status amongst fans and followers.
His erratic and uncompromising methods of debating and irrational argumentation on a myriad of subjects like Fairies, Gods, small gods, big gods, yanks, unicorns, fornication with Mrs. Garrison and baby seals have given him, within only the global atheist society, a certain special grandeur, a higher status if you will.
Quoted from the Book of Moron Chapter nine, verse eleven:
Yes, You guessed it right, Richard Dawkins himself is our god, and all the reasoning in the world, not even by Richard Dawkins own holy person, will convince us otherwise. Richard Dawkins' terrific mind is clear evidence that he is a god amongst men. "Holy, Holy, Holy Richard, god of Power, god of Might, Heaven and Earth is full of You, Hosanna to Richard in the Highest!"
The fierce devotion of the loyal followers of Dawkinism, Dawkinology or Dawkeïsm are the latest group of devotees who recognize Dawkins' greatness and rightly praise him!
[edit] The Teapot Cult
After many years of being worshipped by his ever loving fans Dawkins decided that it was time to declare his true faith. All of his years trying to debunk God were just so that people would no longer worship him and in turn worship the true Deity - The Teapot.
Many hints were given in his lectures "If I told you there was a teapot set orbiting the sun right now would you believe me?" his trickery was widespread, even now there are cult meetings held in Cambridge and Oxfordshire, he went on to say "If you sent all the great scientists to go out and find it you would never know of it" clearly stating its omnipresence.
He is one of the many Teapot Athiests as seen in one of his sermons; http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LvQuPi7iFeE
“Stories of the Teapot have been sent down through generations, we are all of the Teapot's kin”
~ Richard Dawkins
[edit] Richard and Me
At a formal Q&A session I once, hypothetically, asked Richard what he would say to a person who has seen god and walked with Jesus for more then 50 years of his life. Richard responded with a puzzling remark which I could not entirely associate with the question. He proclaimed "The human mind is a powerful thing". "Yes", I said " I know that ", But that has nothing to with somebody walking with the lord now does it ? From this point on it all went a bit awkward. "Your brain is capable of many complicated things" Richard responded. How this had anything to do with a hypothetical individual who did actually meet a god and told this fact to Richard was beyond my understanding, but politely I told him "Thank you, Thank you very much.". At one point I really thought I would not get an answer any more and wanted to sit down when suddenly Dawkings started to get abusive. With a sarcastic tone of voice he joked that he really thinks that I am sincere but that I am hallucinating! How's that ? He's crazy, Crazy I tell you
[edit] Sex Scandal
No more than two months after the Ted Haggard affair, photos of Dawkins began circulating the Internet showing him in bed naked with God. A spokesperson for the Vatican remarked "Well this is just the kind of hypocrisy we have come to expect from atheists. Publicly they ridicule us for being deluded in our faith in God, it is only later that we discover they are actually closet theosexuals". When Dawkins was questioned about the photos, he claimed that they had been taken out of context and denied that there had ever been any God.
