Rick Santorum
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Rick "Hot Pants" Santorum was an asshole Pennsylvania Republican senator, and universally regarded as being the biggest asshole in the Senate. For 15 years he befouled Congress and the nation thanks to the backing of Republican Jesus. In 2006 he lost his job when the United States unilaterally surrendered to the Terrorists. But if the Religious Right ever get back the Congress, he's gonna be on the Supreme Court, you betcha.
Santorum is the first and current winner of Congress's "Greatest Closet Homosexual" award. Controversy surrounds this decision, however, as it is unclear what "greatest" pertains to. Most accomplished closet homosexual? Dick Cheney is far more accomplished, though it's debated whether he's an actual part of the Senate. Gayest closet homosexual? Impossible, Tom DeLay once blew the entire male cast of "The Lion King." Some believe the only viable option left would be if Rick Santorum was the closet homosexual who was furthest in the closet than any other closet homosexual, which appears to make the most sense. Most other senate closet homosexuals don't deny the possibility they could be gay, but Rick Santorum refuses to even use the word, even in reference to cheerfulness, or things that are uncool. For instance when fellow PA Senator Arlen Specter IM'd Santorum "omg those n00bs on WoW are fuckin gay" Santorum only replied with "Yes, they are quite annoying. brb, jerking off to images of mysel---my wife."
Whatever it may mean, Rick Santorum was the unanimous selection for the award, which is voted on by a bipartisan subcommittee of seven senators. The award is not handed out on an annual basis, rather voting is held until someone is deemed great, gay, and closeted enough to warrant contention of the title. Rick Santorum has been challenged multiple times in his reign as Greatest Closet Homosexual in the United State Congress.
With the introduction of gay marriage in the state of Massachusetts, Santorum, still bitter from his break-up with homosexual lover Rush Limbaugh, predicted that the legislation would lead to "man-on-dog" sex, among other things [1]. Of course, this has yet to come to fruition---except at the house of Santorum's momma. Snap!
- 1998 vs. Trent Lott, 6-1 decision for Santorum.
- 1999 vs. Tom DeLay, 5-2 decision for Santorum.
- 2000 vs. Orrin Hatch, 4-3 decision for Santorum.
- 2001 vs. David Dreir, 6-1 decision for David Dreir; Santorum reinstated after Dreir was disqualified for being overtly queer but just not admitting it.
- 2002 vs. George W. Bush, 3-3 decision for Santorum; House Democrat Barney Frank voted a protest vote for himself; Santorum retained crown on tie-break vote by Dick Cheney.
- 2003 vs. Dick Cheney 7-0 for Santorum.
- 2004 vs. John Kerry 7-0 for Santorum.
- 2005 vs. John Cornyn, 6-1 decision for Santorum.
- 2006 vs. Sam Brownback, 0-0 tie with all seven votes going to Mark Foley; Foley was forced to surrender crown upon coming out; Santorum retained crown on tie-break vote by Dick Cheney.
Rick Santorum denies having won the award, but it's totally true.
Santorum's favorite homosexual hobbies and sexual positions include the Brownback, the Sunni Triangle, the Bush Surge, Fristing, the Feel-a-Buster, Dukaki, and, of course, the Full Santorum.
Rick Santorum has six seven children. The seventh, Gaybreal, was legally stillborn at birth, but as the Senator reminds us, this doesn't stop him from being a model citizen who attends church every Sunday and school every weekday, not taking a single day off, no matter how ill or decomposing he may be. "What a little trooper!" says Sanotorum, bouncing his son gingerly on his knee (as not to vibrate him enough that his taxidermied glass eyes fall out of their sockets once again). Setting the playful young corpse on the carpet, he gets out of his faux-leather recliner to attend to one of his onlooking, living children weeping gently in the other room: "Now, if you'll excuse us, it sounds like somebody needs another lesson on our American Culture of Life."
