Ricky Ponting

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“The skipper holds the sails, and the Ashes are scattered in the Autumn-mid.”

~ Nostradamus on Ricky Ponting

“Lots of people think that Ricky Ponting looks like President Bush. But I think that such a comparison is insulting to Mr. Bush.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ricky Ponting

“how can someone that looks like an american (Mr Bush) play cricket for the fucking Aussies”

~ Daniel Craig on Ricky Ponting

Ricky Thomas Ponting (b. December 19, 1874, Launceston, Tasmania) is the current leader of the Grand Knights of Australia, also known as the Australian Cricket Team. He is the leading batsman in world cricket at the moment, although his captaincy has come under question, particularly after an embarrassing loss to England in the 2005 Ashes. He was humiliated by his opposite number Michael Vaughan, after the victory Vaughan was heard to shout 'OWNED' repeatedly in Ponting's face. Ricky Ponting is now considering moving to Jupiter as it seems the Australian public don't want him on their land. Famous Cricket star Paris Hilton is being lined up as his replacement. After all the talk Michael Vaughan received a a roundhouse kick to the side of the head by Chuck Norris. A large scar can be seen on his face but talks now say that is just his face.

[edit] Early Career

Ponting during his brief stint in the Army

Ricky Ponting began his career as a centre-forward for the Shaolin Temple FC, China. There he learned the art of Drunken Boxing from the undisputed master, Stephen Chow. He returned to Australia and made his first performance at the Bourbon & Beefsteak Bar, Sydney. His impressive performance was witnessed by the Grand Knights of Australia, who immediately signed him up to be their no.6 batsman. Despite sporting a blackened eye at the media conference, he was visibly pleased with the outcome and was ready to repay the faith.

[edit] Leadership of the Grand Knights

Even Ricky Ponting thinks cricket is boring.

Ponting's batting continued to develop under the guidance of such legends as Steve Waugh and Quentin Tarantino. Despite being earmarked to take over the leadership of the Knights from Waugh, the transition was always going to be a bloody battle. Eventually a "swordfight" was organised in the boys lavatory at Sydney Grammar College, umpired by Paula Abdul and Simon Cowell. Being the older of the two, Waugh failed to reach the dizzying heights Ponting obtained, and Ponting was appointed the leader of the Grand Knights.

The first year was easy-going, as the Knights set off to exotic journeys to Bangladesh, Pakistan and Oprah. However things got a little tricky as they encountered the monsters from England, led by Michael Vaughan. They played for a useless little urn containing the Ashes of some useless pieces of wood, and in another swordfight against Andrew Flintoff, Ponting was defeated.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Ricky Ponting.

The embarrassing loss to England has prompted calls for Ponting to step down as the leader of the Grand Knights. His sword skills were simply insufficiently powerful, he can't conjure SUPER-SQUILLION-TRILLION POWERBOLTS like in Dragonball, and has repeatedly refused to protect his fast bowlers by using a third-man. Nevertheless, Ponting continued in the job, and in his 100th monstrous encounter, he scored two centuries and ensured total domination over the invading South Africans.

Calls from the Noble Lords demanding his resignation from leadership of the Grand Knights were swiftly silenced in 2006-2007 when he was believed to have received a vision from God (Who bore a striking resemblance to Donald Bradman; prompting suspicion that the second coming has been and gone) who offered him a chance of redemption by reclaiming the Holy Grail from the Monsters of England. Ponting rallied his knights, and surrounded by the monsters and their Barmy Army in the Australian city of Adelaide, proceeded to invoke a law now known as the "Wrath of Ponting," in which a furious and heroic charge was led by Squire Hussey to destroy the marauding English hoard in an embarrassing day for the English now feverently denied by Duncan Fletcher; the brother of recently retired Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf.

The massacre continued for a brutal 500 years, (or 5 tests, in modern terms) and by the end, Ponting himself was said to have stood undefeated atop the body of dead English Batsman Kevin Pietersen (The rest of the team had been burned at the stake for High Treason) in Sydney and declared the battle won. Michael Hussey and Adam Gilchrist were both knighted for their respective performances, although sadly, the war had claimed the life of Ponting's long-time right hand; Grandmaster Warne, whose tomb now resides directly above that of former English captain Mike Gatting (unfortunately there wasn't enough room to place them side by side). The "Wrath of Ponting" failed to be invoked during the 2007 Commonwealth Bank One Day International series, cedeing the title to the English once again

Speculation exists as of April, 2007 as to whether or not the "Wrath of Ponting" has been invoked again as Australia stand undefeated in the ICC Cricket World Cup; having decimated their rivals England, torn apart the usurpers of the title of "number 1 ODI team" South Africa, and all but massacred every lesser team that dared stand in their way. (With only the Irish smiling on their impending doom, possibly due to inebriation) If the Wrath of Ponting has not been invoked, it stands likely that Australia is set to be destroyed by newer-archrivals New Zealand in the final battle of the quarter finals.

Ponting was quoted as saying that "four eyes" (sic, Daniel Vettori) would be wise not to "misunderestimate (his) resolve" in the coming showdown.

As it turned out, despite poor use of the English language, he was right. And Australia proceeded to obliterate New Zealand, South Africa and Sri Lanka to become uncontested masters of the world; their armies destroyed, their hopes scattered to the wind... Only rumours in the west of the forces of Sauron slowly building strengh prevailed, and the Grand Knights turned their attention to prophecies of another battle for the fate of mankind (everyone not English, in their view) in another four years time. In 2005 the british government was criticised for letting this man into their country, mainly because he resembles a weasle.

[edit] Possible Future

So far, Ponting has expressed a desire to continue to lead the Grand Knights, possibly to the 2012 FIFA World Cup. He has so far fought off all attempts on his life, including numerous SMS-attacks from Shane Warne as well as temptations to join Dancing with the Stars. He is also rumoured to take over from Obi Wan Kenobi as the Jedi Cricket Team captain, and change his name to Obi Pon Tingobi.

[edit] List of Instruments Ricky Ponting Cannot play

The Cosmic Awesomo-tar
The Loser Bells
The Speak-Slowly-and-don't-chew-gum Glockenspiel
The Fair-play fiddle
The Non-whining wind chimes
The "I'm not a wanker with eyes like piss-holes in the snow" trombone.....or something. Oh nevermind!