Rio de Janeiro
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Google on Rio de Janeiro
“Taking fire, need assistance.”
~ tourist on Rio de Janeiro
“Negative.”
~ Police on tourist request
“Do you know where the fuck you aaaare???!!!”
~ Axl Rose on Rio de Janeiro
“ All your money are belong to us, gringo!”
~ Thief on tourist
“Perdeu Preibói!”
~ Rio de Janeiro citizen that can't speak english on the same tourist
“Fire in the hole!!!”
~ Police on Rio de Janeiro
“Well, due to the global warming and the consequent rise of the ocean level, it seems to me that all of the city's issues will be solved by the end of the century.”
~ Captian Optimist being especially optimist on Rio being a living hell
Note: Rio is on the other side, so you'll not find it, in case you bothered to look for it
Note: Try looking harder.
Contents |
[edit] Overview
Rio de Janeiro (meaning River of Jane in Portuguese so called due to the early settlers' love of golden showers from the local prostitute Jane the giver), is the name of both a Rio de Janeiro state and a city in south-eastern Brazil, very close to the Amazon Rainforest and Bahia. Commonly known as just Rio (particularly by Americans who don't know that several of its nearby cities are called "Rio-Something" as well), the city population is made up of shemales, thieves and jobless lazy shemales who are also thieves. The rest of this paragraph has been written by one of them. It is considered by many to be amongst the most beautiful cities in the world. It is famous for the hotel-lined tourist beaches Copacabana and Ipanema, for the giant statue of Jesus, known as Christ the Redeemer ('Cristo Redentor') atop the Corcovado mountain. Many flock to the city for the annual carnival and "Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade" street races. It is highly unique in the fact that it is the only place in the world where the mountains with the best view facing the ocean are not inhabited by the wealthy, but actually by masses of poor people tightly packed in favelas. Brazilian logic, however, is not meant to be either grasped or make sense at all. For more information on that, see this article. Or if you're a horny Brazilian and just want boobs, look here.
[edit] History
The area where Rio de Janeiro is now was reached in January of 1502 by Portuguese explorers in an expedition led by Italian explorer Amerigo Vespucci who wrote in his captain's log that he didn't find anything useful in Brazil.
The actual city wasn't founded until March 1st, 1565, by Portuguese prostitute Jane de épocas boas, who called it Rio de Janeiro. It was frequently attacked by pirates and privateers, especially by then enemies of Portugal, such as the Netherlands and France. Ninjas however were always welcome and paid many visits to Jane’s establishments.
On June 6, 1761 the city was almost completely destroyed by fire after a pipe smoking contest got out of control. It is as a direct result of this devastating fire that the often thought bizarre law that pipe smoking is banned within city limits was put in place.
In the years 1780 to 1803, very little happened.
1832 saw the first public transport being introduced to the city. Initially restricted to the down-town area only, lengths of 3 foot wide smooth channels were dug into the streets within which luges would run. The luges were notorious for getting jammed and throwing all the passengers off, this was until someone had the idea of using the cities surplus lard to grease the channels.
In 1860, the favelas were cramping the style of the government, so the brazilian Minister of Corruption decided to discreetly write on the constitution an article demanding that the capital should be moved to somewhere far, far away of poor people. The president ratified, the people forgot to protest, and thus, Brasilia was built. Soon it and became the country's capital and biggest money-laundering center of the world.
[edit] Cristo Redentor
Cristo Redentor, commonly known as Christ the Redeemer is a 200ft statue of Jesus which stands atop the Corcovado Mountain casting a benevolent eye over the citizens of Niteroi --which is the city Christ the Redeemer's eyes are really set on.
The head and the hands of the statue were sculpted in France's countryside, in 1925, by a French hippy artist as parts of a deconstructivist statue of Jesus to be exposed at Louvre but the mail service mistankenly send them to Rio de Janeiro instead of Paris. When the Brazilian President George Washington Louis found those big hands and head on the city dump (which was at the backyards of the Government's House), he had the idea to use them in a big statue of Jesus. The statue was inaugurated in 1931 and since then Rio de Janeiro has some landmark other than women's tits, women's butts and other worse things, with the advantage that pics of the big Jesus can be used by tourists as a post card to their little nephews.
It addition to being a powerful marketing tool the statue has severed several more practical purposes over the years.
In 1941 after a series of horrific shipping accidents which cost the lives of hundreds of sailors, it was decided that the statue would double as a light house to warn ships of the treacherous shoreline. The proud citizens of Rio demanded that whatever work was done to the statue was in keeping with its original image and purpose. It was therefore decided that bright beams of light should emanate from the statues eyes.
Small models of the Cristo Redentor statue are used by the prostitutes of Rio to advertise their services. The models are placed in the window of the prostitutes’ place of work and the eyes indicates their availability. When the eyes are unlit the prostitute is not working, when the eyes are flashing the prostitute is available for hire and when the eyes continuously lit, the prostitute is with a client. The system has proven to work well and does not lower the tone of the city.
From 1992 in order to comply with accessibility laws, audible notifications were added to the prostitutes statues so that blind clients could partake of their services without fear of bursting in on another punter. The statues are silent when the prostitute is not working, continuously shouting "The power of Christ compels you" when the prostitute is available for hire, and the statue starts playing the national anthem when she's just about to 'finish off' a client, and will be ready for you shortly.
In 1938 during a period of immense surplus wealth within the Catholic Church, the statue was hollowed out and converted into a holy water storage and distribution point. Many pipelines emanate from under the base of the statue and using the force of gravity distributes holy water to the many catholic churches of Rio.
[edit] Entertainment
Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade
In late October the Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade is held and is a show case for the latest in Brazilian motor technology. The population of Rio swells as thousands of motoring fans flock to the city to enjoy spectacle that is Celebration Avançado Super Da Velocidade.
Carnival
The carnival in Rio de Janeiro has many choices, including the famous 'Escolas de andar e da cair' parades in the sambódromo exhibition centre and the popular 'batalhas do carnival', where rival parades clash in almost every corner of the city.
Festivals and Award Ceremonies
Rio is also a popular location for some of the world’s most famous festivals and award ceremonies. The annual film festival is popular and in 2006 Rio is slated to host the prestigious Vegetable Photographer of the Year.
Gigs
Rio is also famous for its big, fat rock concerts. The Rolling Stones, The Who, U2, Paul McCartney, Three caballeros, Ashlee Simpson and Inimigos da HP were some of the attractions of the famous "Putaria in Rio", a gigantic music festival which took place on Circo Voador ("Flying Circus"). Circo Voador is the home of the Monty Python's humorists. If you're on a lucky day, you can see John Cleese there, jogging and having some coconut water.
[edit] Politics
Rio de Janeiro has been governed as a constitutional monarchy since 1960, with the Sovereign Prince of Rio de Janeiro as head of state. The executive branch consists of a Minister of State (the head of government), who presides over a three-member Council of Government, also known as the "Council of Three". The Minister of State is a Brazilian citizen appointed by the Prince from among candidates proposed by the Brazilian Government.
The Council of Government consists of three of the princes most intelligent pets as ranked by the citizens of Rio in a bi-annual poll. Accusations have been levelled at the Prince that he has been attempting to influence the outcome by forcing his most loved pets to wear glasses in an attempt to make them appear more intelligent.
Today
Nowadays, Rio is ruled by the queen Rosinha Molequinho ("Rosie Little Boy"), daughter of the great Didi Mocó, Brazil's most acclaimed philosopher.
Rosinha is 97 years old and suffers from chronic mouth diarrhea.
[edit] Council of Three
The currently elected council of three (they work for Rio's queen).
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[edit] The city of Nova Barra
Barra da Tijuca was a separatist neighborhood in the north zone of Rio de Janeiro. After the revolution of the pitboys against the pela-sacos, the neighborhood was recognized as the city of New Barra by the current vice-roy of Rio de Janeiro, Fernandinho Beira Mar. Its ruled now by the empress Vera Loyola, and the capital is Daslu.
[edit] Sports
The one and only sport in Rio de Janeiro is soccer. If you are born in Rio de Janeiro you can support 4 different soccer teams:
- If you are an African-Brazilian, a drugdealer, a prostitute or if you just live in a favela and never went to school you will support Flamengo.
- If you are a Portuguese-Brazilian, have a mustache or cannot read or write, you will support Vasco da Gama.
- If you are a Carcamano, gay as hell or a tranny, you will support Fluminense.
- And if you are an Native-Brazilian, a nostalgic fart, or a communist, you will support Botafogo
All these supporters have one thing in common:
- After their team's victory, they break everything on the streets and the adversary team, just to celebrate.
- After their team's loss, they break everything on the streets and the adversary team, just to release stress.
- After their team's draw, they break everything on the streets and the adversary team, just to have some fun.
- No matter what the outcome is, they will hang out with Ronaldo and get banged by three shemales.
[edit] See also
- Shemale
- Gay
- Grand Theft Auto: Rio de Janeiro
- Prostitution
- Death
- Traffic
- Counter Strike
- Funk
- Sex
- ass
- Sparta
- São Paulo (the antonym)
[edit] External links
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