Riot
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A Riot is a form of extreme sport, very popular in France, and considered illegal in many countries. A riot usually has two opposing sides - the police and the rioters - but in some international competitions the rioters compete alone. A Riot, much like a decathlon, typically involves competing in multiple disciplines, these include: vandalism, missile hurling, brawling, window smashing and incineration. Points are awarded in each discipline for causing damage to police (the opposing team), shops, cars and restaurants; state-owned institutions and religious buildings score triple points. Police are awarded points for preventing damage and injuring the Rioters.
Riots are held on normal streets that are normally barricaded off by fences, though riots may be held in a stadium to provide half time entertainment during another sporting match. There have been attempts to hold water riots at numerous venues, but these have been harshly criticized for the difficulty of removing waterlogged cars from the pool and beach ball usage.
Riots are not to be confused with Protests, a poor copy of riots for hippies and people who failed to qualify for riot competition, replacing the highly energetic disciplines of missile hurling and window smashing, with the lazy disciplines of banner waving and sit-ins.
There have been arguments for Riots to become an Olympic sport, most notably a proposal from famed Dutch rioter Herman Von Smachenlottz in 2004. However when presenting this proposal, Sir Hubert Blockington, deputy head of the IOC, rose to object. "What, What old chum?" he growled angrily. "The Olympics is for gentlemanly sports such as poloh and pipe smoking. Don't you know?. Not for commohn folk and their vulgar... activities. Absolutely top hole - I must say.!" The IOC unanimously rejected the Von-Smachenlottz proposal.
Riots ensued.
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[edit] Disciplines of a True Riot
There are five main disciplines for a competitor dubbed a "Rioter" in a sanctioned Riot - vandalism, missile hurling, window smashing and incineration. The role of the side dubbed the "police" is to prevent the Rioters scoring points and mainly to injure as many rioters as possible (which scores the police team points). A typical riot begins with the rioters parading around holding banners and chanting slogans, usually about pressing global issues, before the actual competition begins. The Riot torch is then lit (usually a police car) to signify the beginning of the competition.
Medals are awarded individually, to the rioter with the highest point score, and to the group with the highest point score.
[edit] Vandalism
The first discipline for the Rioters in a sanctioned riot is Vandalism. A Rioter is awarded points for each object they deface with a spray can, using the system below:
- Sign - 1 point
- Window - 1 point
- Riot shield - 5 points
- Car - 10 points
- Statue - 20 points
- Building - 25 points
- Your arm - A shower (Spray paint is not a cheap alternative for a tattoo)
- Your penis - A film on Youtube
- Your friend's penis - A broken nose
- A woman - A 14 year prison sentence for sexual assault
- A symbol of our consumption driven society - The satisfaction of knowing that you have attempted to break capitalism's hold on our society
Each picture (or in some cases sculpture) is then scrutinized by an esteemed panel of beret wearing French artists who mark it on colour, form, style and lack of relation to reality. Phallic symbols and allusions to lack of transcendence in modern culture are awarded double points, boobs are awarded triple points. The wining rioter is then awarded the converted golden skivvy and a years supply of artistic critique. If the artwork is considered post modern enough it will be entered into, or in some cases returned to, the nearest museum of modern art.
[edit] Missile Hurling
The second discipline for the Rioters in a sanctioned riot is Missile hurling, considered by many as the most skillful discipline. First the police and rioters assemble at each end of the field, the police forming a distinct line. Rioters then throw projectiles at the police line, points are awarded for the distance and difficulty of the target. Bonus points are awarded if the projectile hits a police officer. Double points are awarded for throwing Molotov cocktails and fire crackers.
The police score points by firing tear gas and rubber bullets at the Rioters. Bonus points are awarded if they hit a Rioter.
Gradually the police line moves towards the rioters (much like space invaders), once they reach the Rioters the Missile hurling discipline is declared over and the points are calculated. This is generally followed by lunch where the Police and Rioters complain about their spouses.
[edit] Brawling
The Brawling discipline is the most confusing discipline of a riot. Really it is just a huge fight between the Rioters and Police where almost any object can be used. Basically those left standing after the brawl score 100 points, those not, score a massive hospital bill.
There have been allegations that all brawls are staged (like pro-wrestling) and that the iron bars used are actually foam, but these are all firmly denied by the world riot governing body.
In South American riot competition, brawling has been all but replaced with a salsa dancing competition, the winner is decided by number of hip movements and, in some cases, pregnancy.
[edit] Window Smashing
The Window Smashing discipline is a timed event, where the rioters must smash as many windows as possible within an alloted time (usually 1 - 2 hours). The windows can be on anything from cars to Starbucks but double points are awarded for smashing computers using Windows. A rioter receives 2 points for every window they break. When the broken glass is cleaned up it is sent to USAid which then gives it to less fortunate countries as padding in pillows and in teddy bears, each clearly marked with the American flag.
[edit] Incineration
The Incineration discipline is also a timed event, where the rioters must set fire to as many things as possible within the set time limit. The police score points for each fire extinguished or Rioter sprayed with the water cannon. Thanks to awareness of climate change the incineration discipline may be forced to adopt more sustainable methods to meet its emissions targets, such as torching only hybrid cars and filling Molotov cocktails with biofuels.
- Toilet - 5 points
- Car - 10 points
- Police Car - 15 points
- Starbucks - 20 points
- Shop - 25 points
- Building - 30 points
- State building - 50 points
- Coal - -10 points (thanks for contributing to global warming dickhead, now how are we going to meet our emissions targets)
- Donald Trump's Hair - 10000 (You just did the world a great service)
- Marijuana plantation - ? (Whoa man you don't run the points, the points run you man)
[edit] Closing Ceremony
After all the points have been calculated and the winners announced there is a traditional pool party at a local beach or pool, with conga lines, tropical cocktails and water rides. Copious amounts of beer is consumed and the bottles are kept to make Molotov cocktails for the next riot.
[edit] Race Riots
A race Riot is where the riot competitors compete against the clock to destroy as much property as possible within the alloted time - this may be from 1 hour to 10 days. Points are awarded for each object destroyed; the group with the most points at the end of the alloted time is declared the winner. This creates much rivalry between the competitors, with some even resorting to targeting other rioters to win. A competitor caught doing such dirty play is usually punished with a tear gas penalty or police brutality. Race riots are considered by most respected rioters as an inferior version of rioting for the poor and mentally challenged.
The points are awarded as below:
- Throwing a rock - 1
- Smashing a window - 5
- Throwing a Molotov cocktail - 10
- Destroying a Car - 15
- Injuring a police officer - 20
- Torching a building - 50
The current world record point score for a Team in a Race Riot is 2346807 Points and 1 President Bush by the African American (Black) Team in the 1992 L.A. Race Riot. This is disputed as to their illegal use of Mr.T (who is banned under the Riot Act 1985).
[edit] History
Riot, pronounced woo-lets-smash-stuff, is derived from the Latin word Riotus which means yay pointless destruction.
The original Riot was first invented by Sir Harold Walter Charlingston, of the Royal Civil Disobedience Gentleman's Club, in 1859. One night, after many whiskeys, he became particularly tipsy and stumbled up to the counter of "The White Horse Inn", where he asked for a refill of his pipe. The boy at the counter refused. For the next 12 nights, violence reigned on the streets of Lancashire, with many a horse and coach torched. During this Sir Harold Walter Charlingston was heard remarking "My word, I am having a riot of a time, this would be a mighty fine sport, old sport."
Riots grew in popularity across the world over the next 50 years, particularly amongst the working class in the USA, with many using the excuse of "I'm going off to riot about rights and stuff" to get out of work and family duties (this is still popular today).
The International Riot Authority (IRA) was formed in 1909 to govern all sanctioned Riots, their first successful sanctioned riot being the Tonypandy Riot of 1910. Unfortunately World War One caused the first Riot World Championship to be postponed until 1920, when it was held in Winnipeg. Unfortunately most rioters could not grasp the multiple disciplines of a true Riot so Race Riots soon became the most popular form of Riot, with True Riots only taking place every 2 years at the World championships.
In recent years True Riots have enjoyed a boost in popularity, particularly in Europe. This may be due to globalisation or sponsorship from many large organizations such as G8 and the EU. Riots are also becoming more popular in the growing markets of India and China.
[edit] Junior Rioting
Rioting is a great way to get exercise for all ages, particularly children, as kids love throwing things, having temper tantrums and playing with matches. The next time your kids are bored just hold a riot, it would be great, invite some of your kids friends over and find some minor grievance with a neighbor or, even better, the council. Then give your children rocks or Molotov cocktails to hurl at them, you can even start little competitions, such as, "How many of Mrs Winch's pots can you break" or "How many cats can you set alight". It will entertain your children for hours AND will allow you to take revenge on your bickering neighbors.
If you think your children have real potential as professional rioters take them to your local Little Anarchist Club, who will give them an intensive course on destroying the oppression of {insert target here}.
[edit] Notable Riot Competitions
[edit] World Championships
- 1920 - Winnepeg
- 1922 - Chicago
- 1924 - Paris
- None from 1930 - 1934 because of Great Depression, everyone was too busy slitting their own wrists.
- 1936 - Chicago
- 1938 - Detroit
- None from 1940 - 1944 because of WWII, everyone was too busy killing Hitler
- 1944 - Warsaw
- 1947 - Jerusalem
- 1949 - Reykjavik, Iceland. (only 7 people attended)
- 1953 - Berlin
- 1957 - Hong Kong
- 1959 - Montreal
- 1964 - New Jersey, New York and Philadelphia
To make up for not holding Championships in 1961 and 1963 several Championships were held in New Jersey, New York and Philadelphia.
- 1966 - Cleveland
- 1968 - Across France and the USA
The largest Riot World Championship ever was held in 1968 in both France and the USA to show their mutual friendship by playing France's most popular sport, over 6 million people attended or participated.
- 1970 - Kent, Ohio.
Very unsuccessful championship, first and last time a Riot World Championship was held on a University campus. Resounding victory to the police.
- 1972 - Northern Ireland
- 1974 - Athens
- 1976 - Soweto, South Africa.
- 1979 - San Francisco
The attempt to merge the Riot World Championship with the Gay Pride Parade Championship was a complete failure, rioting did not ensue. (This attempt followed the success in doing just that at Stonewall in New York City some ten years earlier, though.)
- 1981 - London
- 1983 - São Paulo
- 1985 - Moscow
In Communist Russia car torches you. This may have been a reason why this riot was boycotted by most western Rioters.
- 1987 - Mecca
- 1989 - Tienanmen Square, China.
A fantastic competition, with the rioters and police neck and neck until the police piped the rioters at the end with a tank. This competition was marred by allegations, from the rioters, of cheating by the police team.
- 1992 - Los Angeles
Following the success of the L.A. Olympics came the even more successful L.A. Riots, which netted 10 times the audience.
Sponsored by Starbucks.
- 2001 - Genoa, Italy.
- 2003 - Malé, Maldives.
Most competitors just sat on the beach, so it is disputed whether this was actually a Riot.
Another great victory for the Rioters. Notable for the highest point score in the incineration discipline ever.
- 2006 - Across the whole Middle East.
Lasting two months, making it the longest riot ever. That sure deserves an "Ali Akbar" from me
- 2007 - Karachi, Pakistan.
