From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

[edit] Risto Tukkinen In an Alternate Reality

Risto's Original Plans

Risto in Lawnmower Mode

Risto Tukkinen is a 16th century Gothic cathedral in Southern France. This means it is a normal cathedral, where Goth highschool girls go to. It's beauty and innovative art nouveau interior decor have been widely hailed as some of the most prominent of its time.

[edit] History

The original architecture of the cathedral was designed by a good mate of Adolf Hitler's, who DID make it into art school. However, following advice from Andersen Consulting, the cathedral was restructured to double as a lawnmower. This dualistic nature is very similar to that of light or Tekken 3.

As luck would have it, during World War 2 the French Resistance was able to use the cathedral as a hiding place for British pilots who had crashed in France hoping to get loads of duty-free lager and cigarettes. Even better, the Resistance could earn some pocket money each week by using Risto to mow the lawn of old Mrs. Henderson down the road. This money was used to buy baseball cards, bubblegum and plastic explosives to sabotage German tanks.

[edit] Risto Tukkinen Today

Today the cathedral has been put to good use as the 6th unofficial member of The Strokes. It plays a wide variety of instruments ranging from bongo-drums to Ikea modular furniture. However, the logistical problems involved in touring with 150 foot gothic cathedral may result in Risto losing his spot in the band.

Risto is also open for tourists during office hours, when visitors are charged the nominal fee of infinity billion dollars to tour the chapel, pool-area and closet. Americans pay double. No photography permitted, except with cameras.

[edit] Risto Tukkinen in Our Reality

Risto Was Voted Most Toaster-Like in His Class

In the reality that we inhabit Risto Tukkinen is an author of notable critical acclaim. Most of his fame hails from the bestseller novels "Hi, I'm Risto, can I interest you in this fine set of cutlery?", "Uh-oh, what the hell is this on my shirt?" and "What do you mean it's terminal?!" He is also one of the most outspoken people against kitten huffing and quoting Oscar Wilde, having once been abused by his kitten huffing father, Oscar De La Renta, who read books by gay Irish authors. Being recognized as the most "Toaster-like" person of his class in 1876 may have gone to his head, as he subsequently declared himself the daughter of Mother-earth, Gaia, and refused to eat anything but sand, gravel and t-bone stakes from Wafflehouse. As a result, he was buried, exhumed, burned alive, put-out, drowned, resuscitated, beaten with a stick, apologized to, told to go to hell, asked to come back and then asked for a contribution for Jews for Jesus. All of this made him rather depressed, which resulted in him filming an 8-part reality TV-show about himself trying out different clothes. It was an ultimate failure, as a sudden glitch in the electro-magnetosphere of the earth made it appear as if Risto had two vaginas. According to statistics, this turned off 87% of viewers. The remaining 13% killed themselves by masturbation.

Lately, Risto has garnered significant amounts of media attention through his efforts to ease the suffering of people in Africa:

"You know they're talking about Playstation 3 now? We should remember that there are kids in Africa that don't even have Playstation One, you know?"

However, he cannot actually go to Africa (or any other continent for that matter) because of his latest book "Honey, I have a triceratops!", which can arguably be described as the most controversial book the world has seen since Salmonella Rush-and-Die's the Satanic Choruses, which went into waaaayyyy too deep an analysis of several lyrics of the Supremes. As a result, he has been deported from planet Earth and several organizations have called for him to be shot on sight. With a water pistol. Containing deadly acid.