Ritalin
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βThe only thing better than Ritalin is kitten huffing.β
~ Oscar Wilde on Ritalin
Ritalin is an amphetamine designed to pacify hyper-active children, cheerleaders, and corpses. The drug is generally administered at government-run institutions, where instructors find the drug makes their job easier.
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[edit] Origins
Ritalin was discovered by accident in 1947 by Margaret Thatcher as she loomed over her cauldron cackling manically. Quite why she was laughing is unknown, but it is believed to involve a nude photograph of Neil Kinnock.
On January 12th, 'Maggie the Haggie' was throwing random ingredients into her pot, searching for a potion that would cause her testicles to drop off. However, chance directed her to a much more lucrative formula - Ritalin.
Always a modest soul, Maggie dedicated her discovery to her Chinese lover of the time, a Miss Rita Lin. However, only 3 weeks later Miss Lin dumped Maggie, upon discovering that she was not a male (as she had previously promised). Alas for Maggie, the patent had already been filed.
In 1987, the song We Drink Ritalin performed by Alex Chiu and Adolf Hitler, was produced. Says Chiu, "The song was made when we decided to make smoothies, but had no ingredients so we threw some of these little pills in a blender (Which we thought were gum). The effects were... let's say not so good. I woke up with Hitler in a small bedroom in the Bottom of the Well." The song was covered under the title "hot limit" by John Desire and used in the growing less and less popular game DDR.
[edit] Ingredients
Though a closely held trade secret for many years, Ritalin recently lost its protection, and thus its secrets have become open to the moronic, slack-jawed public. Now thanks to you the poor, struggling drug companies will have no Christmas, and Tiny Tim will die of a yeast infection. I hope you're satisfied, you monster!
- One eye of Newt Gingrich
- One leg of a French person
- Nine pounds of Spinach
- Seven pounds of heroin
- One freshly squeezed turd
- Two pounds of hero
- One gallon of american beer
- One ounce of lsd
- The eyelash of a republican
- The lick of a dog (preferably Paris Hilton)
[edit] Side effects of Ritalin
It should be noted that Ritalin is a powerful and highly addictive drug, and harbors many unpleasant side effects. These include:
- Uncontrollable bouts of being French including laziness, spontaneous surrendering, and languidly drifting from one cafe to another
- Uncontollable bouts of being Polish, including but not limited to: stupidity, a craving for pickles, easygoing attitude, perverted nature
- An insatiable addiction to cheese, especially parmesean
- The desire to vote for liberal politicians
- A thirst for Budweiser
- The adamant belief that Christina Aguilera is 'hot'
- The undeniable urge to have sex with Gary Gygax
- Forgetting to take your Ritalin in the mornings
