Rob Schneider
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| Highly Confusing in Japan |
“You can do it!”
~ Rob Schneider on Anything you ask him
“Rob Schneider is... a carrot!”
~ A carrot on Rob Schneider
|
Rob Schneider (real name: Henry Kissinger) (b. Aug. 12, 1897) , known as the "Edward Teller of Movies", was a cast member of NBC's Saturday Night Live who later became a cross-dressing plumber who, after taking lessons in how to become an actor, was accused by police of being a comedian and imprisoned for 10 years, during which he founded a new religion, Bad Comedianism (since abandoned by all but four adherents, whose names and locations remain unknown).
Escaping from prison, he was found by a group of bounty hunters, who later elected him mayor of Mobile, Alabama. After buying his own pinball machine, he authored a popular series of children's books on the subject of what types of thongs to wear with Hawaiian shirts. Schneider is also the person upon whom the character Mad Max is based, as well as several other popular characters of horror and science fiction, most notably Colin Powell.
Best known for his undistinguished film career, Schneider wrote, directed, produced, edited, catered, reviewed, financed, designed sets, cast extras, played all roles, mixed sound, and scored innumerable "craptastic" movies, including Citizen Kane (1940), 8-1/2 Seconds (1908.5), Vertigo (2469), 2001: A Space Odyssey (2002), E.T. (The Tender Years) (date unknown), Deuce Bigelow: Male Bounty Hunter (2006), Seven Samurai (7), and perhaps his greatest work, Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo (in pre-production since 1937). Other "craptastic" works of his include: The Stapler, A Carrot, Da Derp Dee Derp Da Teetley Derpee Derpee Dumb, and Kenny, all released in 2002.
[edit] Childhood
Schneider's parents,the demigoddess Hermaphrodite and alien/human hybrid David Spade, hatched him from an artificial egg-like device on June 14, 1837. After a normal childhood in the suburban hills of California, Schneider's life was "turned upside down" when a family servant leaked the story of his alien ancestry to the National Enquirer. Luckily, nobody cared, but Schneider was forced to move from his home to a bunker in Area 51. There, with the help of Dick Cheney, he discovered his true heritage — and began plotting the destruction of Planet Earth.Brad Douglass
[edit] Biography
[edit] The Early YearsDuring an interview with Randall Stevenson of Time Magazine, Schneider revealed that he "didn't get no fancy middle skool diploma." He had dropped out of school at the age of 12, after which he spent most of his time smoking crack, masturbating, collecting Star Wars memorabilia, selling timeshares in Palm Beach, setting forest fires, tracking down Saddam Hussein in order to blow him, repeatedly robbing an Orange County Denny's "just for spite," and writing threatening letters to fellow SNL cast member Tina Fey. |
[edit] Present DayRob Schneider now sits on a beanbag chair in the dystopian landscape of Western Australia. He occasionally searches for gasoline, which he sniffs, thinking it will give him a "buzz." He also plans to play Col. Kurtz in the lavish CGI remake of Apocalypse Now, also starring Sandra Bullock as the boat. Recently Rob Schneider got into a confrontation with Mel Gibson. Upon realizing he was going to get his ass fucked, he summoned Jewbacca who swiftly came to his rescue and bismarked Mel Gibson so hard, his head exploded. |
[edit] DeathAn avid believer in the paranormal, Schneider has been known to consult psychics about his life and career. After an exhaustive 9-year search, Schneider was finally able to find one who could stay awake in his presence long enough to predict his future. As you know, I believe in all of the paranormal crap. Psychics, ghosts, you name it. I love it. My personal psychic, Madam Zohra told me that my death would happen on September 21, 2046. When I am mistaken for Rosanne Barr's main course..." The article goes into greater detail about his "potential" death. Pick up your copy of Time Magazine's "Rob Schneider: Alien/Human of the year" |
[edit] AfterlifeMadam Zohra apparently remained vague on the subject of Schneider's prospects in the so-called "afterlife." According to sources, she reportedly informed Schneider that his spirit will be divided into multiple "sub-spirits" which will inhabit a wide variety of adult bookstores, public libraries, women's dressing rooms, men's dressing rooms, and horse stables. The details of this have not been confirmed, as Madam Zohra has been reported as missing for the past seven months. |
[edit] Gaming Clan
Rob Schneider is also the co-founder and creator of his gaming clan (tag `rsi:) sponsored by Intel. The clan was formed in mid-August 2006 after the viewing of the South Park episode; The Biggest Douche in the Universe. The other founders are known as Quasimoto, G30 and JiNK. The official website can be visited here.
[edit] Career Lowlights
At first Rob Schneider set out to be an award-winning novelist. After writing many memoirs and novels for which he was unable to find a publisher, Schneider eventually he sold the rights to his written works to an anthropomorphic zucchini named "Fred" for $3.95.
Schneider later returned to the streets of California, where he began implementing his plan to take over the world. After this failed miserably, he sobbed a great deal, and began plotting his revenge, which also failed miserably.
[edit] Memoirs and novels
Some of his autobiographies and novels include:
- Hop on Pop (a guide to living on drugs)
- 1984 (The Early Years)
- Animal Sex Farm
- The Cat in the HATE!
- Gone With the Microsoft Windows
- Harold and the Purple Dinosaur Who Loved Him Very, Very Much
- Pat the Bunny Boy
- Lies and the Lying Liars Who Edit Wiki Articles
- To Tell A Mockingbird To Shut the Hell Up
- Pet Sematary II: Electric Boogaloo
- Comedy for IDIOTS.
[edit] Films and stage
| Un Chien Andalou | This film begins in a bleak, desolate landscape inhabited by apes. A hotel is dropped from the sky. In this hotel, Schneider is trying to impress a girl, also played by Schneider. He fails, and attempts to cut the girl's eye with a plastic knife. (This also fails.) |
| La Jetee | This highly entertaining film consists of Schneider traveling around the planet in a private jet, and making occasional stops to kill anyone who happens to be wearing brown shoes. Upon seeing this film, Jesse Jackson declared, "this movie is, well, a really shitty movie." |
| 8 1/2 | Made for no apparent reason whatsoever other than to simply annoy moviegoers, this remarkable cinematic creation stars Blacula, Mad Max, the entire cast of Monty Python, Jupiter Jeff, Jumpin' Jeff, and Janitor Jeff as a group of carnies who spend the entire film standing completely still, while the sets move, dissolve, and are deconstructed and reconstructed all around them. It was hailed for its historical accuracy, and ability to make audiences nauseous. |
[edit] Peaks in Filmmaking
| E.T. | This film consists of 13-year-olds in a locker room repeating dirty phrases "picked up" from their parents. Schneider reportedly became depressed when, after a pre-screening, he heard people say, "Sucked, eh, but still better than one of Rob Schneidley's films!" |
| Citizen Kane | This film is about a homeless corporate CEO who decides to "turn legit" and become a male prostitute. Girls pleasure themselves with him until he reflects on life and realizes he has yet to do anything. He spends the rest of the movie smoking pot and downloading animal porn from Wikipedia. This film was partially autobiographical for Schneider, in that he consumes enormous amounts of animal porn on an ongoing basis. |
| Vertigo | This film is based on the U2 song that came out 46 years later. It consists of people counting to 4 in Spanish incorrectly, people saying "Yeah" 14 times in a row, and long peroids where everyone says "OOOOOHHHHH!!!" — all in slow motion. |
| Deuce Bigelow: Male Bounty Hunter | This was not made by Schneider, but by his counterpart, Rob Schneidley. It is a bio-pic of his life starring Nick Cannon, a Bad Comedianism disciple. |
[edit] Schneider-Inspired Crimes
June 14, 1842: Twins Richard Simmons and Rob Schneider are born.
June 15, 1842: David Spade commits suicide.
June 20, 1844: Schneider is sold to PETA for human experimentation.
January 23, 1936: In celebration of the Deuce Bigelow remake, Rob Schneider Film Festivals take place in several cities, many of which are the scenes of mass rioting, including Los Angeles, New York City, San Francisco, Tokyo, Paris, Buffalo, Detroit, Houston, New Delhi, Sydney, Philadelphia, Bjork, and Bangkok, as well as several other cities where the festival did not take place.
October 13, 1949: Schneider gives birth to a baby boy named Billy W. Schneider.
November 8, 1960: Billy W. Schneider changes his name to Bill Gates.
[edit] Did You Know...
- This Is Bullshit!
- That Rob Schneider sucks?
- That Rob Schneider can't even spell "Rob Snyder" correctly?
- That Rob Schneider films are considered torture devices by Amnesty International?
- That Rob Schneider's films can be used as an alternative energy source, assuming your car runs on tedious fart jokes?
- That Rob Schneider's first job was cleaning out Adam Sandler's anus with his toungue
