Robert E. Lee
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“Robert E. Lee should really consider shaving the top of his head completely, like me!”
~ Martin Van Buren on Robert E. Lee
“Sure, Lee can handle a gun... but can he handle ME?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Robert E. Lee
“The 'E' stands for 'Excellent'.”
~ Ulysses S. Grant on Robert E. Lee
Robert E. Lee (1807-1870)or as his club buddies call him the iron horse is a man of note in American history for his actions in the Civil War, in which he fought for the Confederate side. He was able to deal with many important situations like The Battle of Gettysburg and the impeachment of Richard Nixon. He had the highest battle spirit of all the Confederate men, and a large beard that he once lost a sandwich in.
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[edit] Early Life
Robert E. Lee was born at the age of 73 in some Confederate state of which no one remembers (The state sank in the ocean and came to rest next to Atlantis). When he was just 73 1/2 years old, he began to dream about growing a beard. He was fascinated by war, and began plotting ways to invade Peru and raid farms to steal their llamas. He was first called into war when he was 22, fighting as a general in the War of Everett Milton III. This war had started because a dweebish student had not received a trivial part in his school play. Milton and his army of Math team members atacked and raided much of Georgia before Lee was called in. When he arrived, he ended the war single-handedly by pulling a one-handed lever labeled "END WAR".
[edit] The Secession of the South
As many know, the secession of the South was a major reason for the Civil War. The South seceded because of a man named John Brown. He had made attacks on slaveowners and assaulted Harper Lee's Ferry, a federal arsenal that was operated by a descendent of General Lee (Harper Lee). Lee tried to prevent the attack on the ferry, but failed, giving Brown what he wanted: a strike against the South. Lee was deeply angered by Brown and proposed that the south should secede. He meant that the people should pick up the South and move it somewhere else, but the government interpreted it as "Leave the Union".
[edit] The Invention of the Rebel Yell
Robert E. Lee also created the rebel yell. In those days, there were no other means of communication on a battlefield besides shouting. Lee figured that if his army screamed and hollered loud enough, the Union would not be able to hear the orders of its own generals. He was right, and subsequently the Confederacy won the first battle of the Civil War. A few cries recorded in the war were "Ok! Ok! Just don't shoot!", "Jumpin Jahosefat!", "I need to poo", "Woo, woo, woo!", and "God! I broke a nail!".
[edit] Lee and Gettysburg
When Lee and his army entered Gettysburg, he and fellow general James Longstreet took refuge in an old farmhouse. They picked that place because of their mutual love of the smell of cowpies and pigs' feet. This was later to be the basis of the popular movie Brokeback Mountain. While there, Lee said to Longstreet, "James, I don't think we can win this war." Longstreet replied, "Just have hope. President Jefferson Davis has hope. I have hope. If Ronald Reagan were here, he'd have hope, too!" Around that time, the Confederates were winning. They pushed the Union back, surrounding them on a hill. However, the Confederate troops were ordered into a defensive position, and reinforcements arrived for the Union led by General John Reynolds. Reynolds was killed after entering the town by a flying casserole dish, thrown by an angry northerner who was trying to hit her husband.
Records from Major-General George G. Meade claim Lee was too defensive, holding the line while the Union soaked up territory, ultimately losing the war. The REAL story is that the Confederates won! For a small time, there was a Confederate States of America, along with the CBI (Confederate Bureau of Investigation). The reason why there are no Confederate States today is because of a deal between Lee and former presidents Martin Van Buren and James K. Polk. Van Buren, hungry for more votes the next time he ran for election, wanted to bring the South back to the Union. Polk also wanted the South back so that he could buy all the Southern Comfort brand whiskey he wanted, so as to get drunk at his parties. Lee agreed to surrender to the Union in exchange for muscle car magazines, lifetime membership at Costco, and a twenty-year-supply of pudding skins.
[edit] After the War
Lee eventually resigned from the army and went about living a leisurely life. His descendant, Harper Lee, eventually helped save Harper Lee's Ferry from John Brown's second attack through her book, but annoyed schoolchildern everywhere with it as well. It was rumored that after the war, Lee befriended Mr. Polk, developed a liking of rhubarb pie, and had a secret longing for Chuck Norris. Van Buren, meanwhile, had stolen money from Lee, and Lee was so enraged he vowed never to get involved with "political nonsense" again, except on Tuesday nights. On Wednesdays, he held se'ances, which were only a part of his utilization of his little known spiritual abilities. He then saved the soul of Squall Leonhart from being devoured by Oprah Winfrey, and the two military leaders became close friends. Most of Lee and Leonhart's time in one another's company was spent playing games of Risk, Texas Hold 'Em, and Three Headed Broadway Star, in addition to conversations regarding strategy and the nature of combat. It is of note that most conversations with Squall were semi one-sided, as his replies typically consisted of nodding and shaking of his head. Ocasionally he'd break his silence to mutter, "Sure", "Nah", "Whatever", or some apathetic equivalent.
[edit] Lee's Creation of Texas Tim's Hot Sauce
Robert E. Lee had a passion for hot sauce ever since he was a small child. After the war, he had a lot of spare time on his hands, so he began to contemplate daily about a new flavor of hot sauce. His good friend, Timothy Shepard, visited him from Texas around the time he was contemplating. With him he brought a basket full of hot sauces. Lee studied the sauces like a nerd studies the Quadratic Theorem, taking several ingredients from different sauces and mixing them together. After the sauce fermented, he tasted it. The new sauce was so potent, it took three gallons of drinking water too cool his throat. It quickly became apparent that he had made the world's spiciest hot sauce, which he named after his friend who had helped him to create it.
