Robert Jordan
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“That good for nothing plagiarizing hack!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Robert Jordan
Robert Jordan (b. 1877) is a Romanian science-fiction author, and also one Fritz, known for laughing till his sides ache out of forcing others to read exceedingly long books. His popular Axle of Space series has been lauded by critics for its success in expanding J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Flies trilogy into the twenty book cycle its time-strapped author intended it to be. Tolkien's position as a professor of computer science at Harvard left him without the time to do justice to his vision. On his deathbed, he called Jordan, a close personal friend from their time together at West Point Regional High School to his side, and charged him with finishing his uncompleted work. Jordan took boldly to the challenge, and aided by team of baboons who took dictation for him, he set about.
Tolkien had, however, neglected to mention to Jordan the issue of cult fandom. As the Axle of Space became popular across Romania, Jordan found himself without the ability to lead the secluded life he had enjoyed prior to taking on Tolkien's work. Accosted by fans whenever he appeared in public, Jordan had to resort to disguise (as a Tibetan Monk). The Romanian tabloid press, notably the Brussels Sun, learned of the deception. The Sun published pictures of him in disguise and disclosed his top-secret alias, Roberto Jordana. Forced to flee to America, Jordan sought aslyum and was granted it by President Calvin Coolidge. He now lives in a nursing home in Hell, Michigan, where he works on Book 17 of the Axle of Space, tentatively titled The Chartruse Citadel. He intends to continue writing until they nail shut his coffin, after which he will retire to Starbucks. Robert Jordan has since died, leaving his series, Axle of Space, to be finished after death. He will continue to write as he was cremated. Not buried in a coffin. A real coffin.
This man is simply obsessed with using the same phrases over, and over, and over, and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over,and over, and over, AGAIN!
These include:
- She folded her arms beneath her breasts.
- He could have wept.
- Woolheaded shepherd
- He laughed till his sides ached.
- She smoothed her skirts.
- He could have wept.
- He Knuckled his forehead
- She tugged at her braid.
- He clenched his fists until his knuckles cracked.
- Woolheaded shepherd
- She smoothed her skirts.
- She tugged at her braid.
- They waggled their fingers at each other.
- He/she made a strange gesture in the air.
- She smoothed her skirts.
- Woolheaded shepherd
- He could have wept.
- She folded her arms beneath her breasts.
- Thank the Light
- He blew out his moustaches.
- His eyes burned like furnaces.
- I am not mad, yet.
- She divided her skirts.
[edit] Also See
I The Wheel of Time, one of Jordan's less popular works.
[edit] Writing Style
Robert Jordan's writing style is unique among fantasy authors and is just as much a work in progress as his books. In addition to using the same phrases over and over, he has not only perfected the art of writing huge books in which nothing happens, he is in fact writing the entire Wheel of Time epic backwards, starting with the last book and ending with the as-yet-unwritten first book, "A Noun of Nouns." He also intersperses the series with prologues, epilogues, sequels, movie tie-ins, video games, and histories of Franciscan cheese production. As he becomes better and better at his unique brand of writing, his books begin to contain less and less of things actually happening and more and more romantic tension and political intrigue that moves slower than a crippled homosexual chasing a naked Jenna Jameson.
