Robert Plant
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“Damn bad-ass granola.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Robert Plant
“The love scene in our movie was quite passionate, actually, it's just too bad we can't remember anything.”
~ Jimmy Page on Robert Plant
“Robert Plant, the slimy fuck”
~ Screeching Weasel on Robert Plant
“I wish I could wear pants like that”
~ Madonna on Robert Plant's Pants
Robert Plant was born Rubber Plant in Middle-Earth as a fictional caracter by J.R.R. Tolkien. However, he felt that he was probably best known for killing the Jedi Mace Windu in a stone ring death match in a parking lot during the super bowl. After this, he used bud light to speak to animals. After converting to the Dark Side, he signed a contract with The Dark Lord, a.k.a. Jimmy Page and in return he was given fame and fortune and the official title of "Golden God". He showed his chest to many audiences over the world and was voted number one "aaaahaaahaaa" screamer by the readers of "Black Metal Fanzine" for four years in a row. He was also known for his tendency to have orgasms on stage. Then he had a car accident and lost his son and out of frustration he killed his drummer to start a solo-career that brought him a bit less fame and fortune. At the moment Robert has retired and lives on a farm south of Marrakech, where he writes books about biodynamic gardening and ironically works as a shop assistant in Robert's Plants, a garden centre in West Sussex. In this garden centre, he has cultivated the "Plant Marrow", of a similar size and girth to that which was put in his jeans whilst onstage in the 70s. This is how his new band "The Strange Sensation" got its name.
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[edit] History
I remember that day i was chillin wit robert and he got chased by a BLACK DOG up the STAIRWAY to HEAVEN and Over THE HILLS AND FAR AWAY, When he got back he was RAMBLIN ON about him and his mother having a COMUNICATION BRAKEDOWN. then he went to see the BLACK COUNTRY WOMEN so he could tell her "BABE IM GONNA LEAVE YOU.
[edit] Early Years
As a child growing up after World War IIIII, Robert grew up listening to the likes of Hootie and the Blowfish and The Ramones, as well as his favorite band, Tom Petty and the Fartbakers.. When he attended school, he soon realized that he had amazing talent for playing the kazoo. This is why his all time favorite video game is Banjo-Kazooie. Robert soon learned to play the guitar. He once stated in an interview:
"I was influenced to play the guitar after I saw the guy on Power Rangers do it. I figured it would be easy, since a guitar is basically a big kazooolr"
Robert was a fast learner, and soon became the best guitarist in his class, despite the fact that he was the only one. Robert was offered a job on the show Family Guy, but he turned it down because of severe mental pressures. He was bullied in school because people called him things like "Penis-Face" because of the penis-shaped tumor on his upper lip. After realizing how gay it is to be Emo, he moved on with his life.
After a brief career in genetics and a short romance with James Bond, documented in the film On His Majesty's Secret Service, which produced his first child, John Hammond. Plant and Bond seperated, and he continued his career as a musician in the world Famous Jazz-Band, the jazz band. However, since they were orchestral only, Plant decided his talents would be better used elsewhere.
[edit] Led Zeppelin
like Robert, Jimmy was created in a laboratory by Nazis. They got together and formed a band called Fall Out Boy. After they saw how gay their name was, they left the band to form a new one. Going back to their Nazi-based roots, they decided to call themselves The Zeppelins. When their new drummer, Steven Adler, joined the band, he suggested they renamed it Lead Zeppelin. However, Jimmy had an acute fear of the letter a, and would not spell "lead." The band unanimously voted to simplify it to Led Zeppelin. Led Zeppelin started off with the line up of Plant on guitar and kazoo, Page on vocals, and Adler on drums. Despite popular belief, Jimmy did not play guitar, and Robert did not sing. They had no bassist, but they were very successful. In 1967, they fired Adler from the band, on the belief that three was a crowd, and two was company. Adler later went on to join The B-52's and then Guns N' Roses. Now, with only Jimmy and Robert, Led Zeppelin proceeded to produce their second album, Led Zeppelin III (Robert Plant, being freakishly impatient, simply wanted to skip album two), this time with Page taking over on the kazoo. After realizing that the album number made no difference, they released Led Zeppelin II, which was a colossal failure amongst all except Mormons. The next year, Led Zeppelin wrote their best song ever, Hotel California. However, in 1979, the song was stolen by an unknown band. The song remained contested in cyberspace after the Michael Jackson case, and was eventually claimed by the Eagles. With the loss of their best song, Jimmy and Robert soon decided to use a fantastic new technology to protect their music. They called the technology Kazaa, and it prevented anyone from stealing music. In 1985, Led Zeppelin came to an abrupt end when Jimmy Page was shot and killed in a old-fashioned Western shootout.
[edit] After Led Zeppelin
A
Plant later went on to write a musical based on the song "Going to California" with the partial assistence of The Red Hot Chili Peppers. It played at broadway several thousand times, before being banned in 18 Countries for the mentioning of "Children of the Sun", the super secret sequel to "Tears of the Sun", an Bruce Willis film owned by Panama, also because the notes were way too high for the audience to listen and died instantly. This promptly ended Robert's secret career as an playwright, and he once again turned to knitting his side burns into warm, and affordable stockings for poor Cuban jewish refugees as he had before. The US government also put an end to this. Falling into a severe state of depression, Plant retired to his automobile, and began to cruise the same streets over and over, whilst managing his myspace profile on his onboard laptop, which later became self aware, deleted his profile, and divorced Plant.
When Robert sings today, he sounds much like Rod Stewart and Mr. Jellybeans.
[edit] Plant Today
Today, Robert lives in his Ferrari Aurea. He is fed twice a day by medieval knights who slay dragons and serve them to frightened celebrities. Occasionally he will drive up and down the highway, but he has never left his car. He is also occasionally seen on the website, Neopets under the username tEhWuRlDcHaMp. Robert's infamous "package" left him in 2004, attempting to pursue an acting career at an art college in Los Angeles. Several custody battles over the testicles have made both of the members extremely volatile, in fact Robert's Penis recently told Ron Jeremy's Penis that "It's all about the motion of the ocean. FATTY." Jeremy's representatives refuse to respond. then, robert plant, with his mystical zeppelin powers, grew a new bigger set of balls, and a new longer dick. and when this happened, the room got dark, yet flashy, and his sign, a ring with a feather inside, appeared in smoke.
Robert Plant has also claimed to be the first man on Mars after a chance meeting with Ron Hubbard.
He is currently engaged to political pundit and French tickler, Shasta McNasty. They have 2 kids, Clint and Eastwood, and they live a quiet life on the luxurious Nebraskan coast. On his relationship with Shasta, Plant has said,"I don't know how I found her. I mean seriously one night I came home and she was rummaging through my trash. She had a wild look in her eyes, we now know it was because of her advanced syphilis/schizophrenia/LSD use/exposure to radon, but then..then i was captivated by her. Her dirty hair, smelly clothes and psychotic ramblings. It was as if The voices in her head and her hallucinations led her right to me. They also told her to burn things and stand over me with butcher knives while I sleep. How did I get so lucky?"
McNasty and Plant split in 2009, when it was discovered that Shasta was in fact the former mayor of New York City: Fred Durst.
[edit] Movies
Plant has appeared in films twice, once, in the documentary On His Majesty's Secret Service, and finally in Robert Plant with Snakes on a Plane. He is also known for his role as a drunk guy in real life.
[edit] Adult Film
Ever since Robert Plant sang the lyrics, "Let me take you to the movies," life has never been the same. Starring in several pornographic films under the name of "Big Robby P.", he became an underground male pornographic movie star. His most famous claim to movie fame is in 1977's pirate-themed "Arrghh, You Fucking Git, Why The Hell Do You Constantly Put That THERE", where he starred with bandmate Jimmy Page, and their most notable scene happens to be rough-as-all-hell gay love scene, as most of their acting is terrible. This movie, however, failed to impress the critics, although your mom owns a copy of it in her drawer. (Look for it.)
