Robert Rodriguez
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Contents |
[edit] The Early Years
Roberto Rodriguez (Ro-beer-too Road-ree-guise) aka "The Rebel Rhiannon Rogue Rocket Racer" was born in a small town outside of Mexico City. As soon as he was born he was given a hand shotgun from his father Rodrigo and told to kill the nearest drug lord in sight. He continued this life of violence until the age of 10 when he met Quentin Tarantino in a small mexican pub. QT bought a round of shots for the young Roberto and the two were instant friends. They gunned down the place and headed for Nashville Tennesee where they would remain until the age of 24 to study the ancient art of Ninjew.
After these long 14 years of study, Roberto and QT decided to make a kids cartoon show based on their many adventures together called "QT and Me" with Roberto as the lead illustrator. After being shut down by all TV networks for containing to many "graphic images" and "nude scenes" the young Roberto went into a deep deppression.
"I was young and I had much to learn, the mother fuckers just don't understand art. I mean if a walrus wants to kill a penguin with a sautering iron I don't see what's wrong with that." -Roberto Rodriguez
Roberto and his pal Quentin then decided to head to Los Angeles in order to start a new life. They auditioned as voices on Sesame Street, Roberto for Kermit and Quentin for Oscar the Grouch. Tarantino nailed the audition, but Peter Coyote beat out Rodriguez for the voice of Kermit. Tarantino was shortly kicked off the show after saying "fuck" too many times on air and rejoined Rodriguez in his quest for fame.
Roberto moved down to Mexico where he felt he most belonged. He spent many years alone and experimented with many drugs before finally writing the screenplay for El Chingon (Spanish for "The Badass"). He called up his pal Quentin and they were back on track to glory.
He could not afford to fund the low budge horror movie featuring James Dean, and once he found out that James Dean was no longer living, he thought that his hopes and dreams were crushed. Quentin picked him up off his feet by referring him to a doctor named Doc Block. Roberto spent 5 years of his life testing drugs created by the maniac and eventually ended up killing the doctor in a furious rage set off by one of the drugs now commonly known as acid.
[edit] Claim to Fame
After making his hard earned money, Roberto went down to Mexico and shot El Chingon. The movie was intended for the Mexican porno industry, but he couldn't find the funds available to release it. After heavy editing and a change in title, Columbia Pictures released El Mariachi in 1991. The movie was an instant hit 4 years later, leaving Roberto with a well respected 42 dollars. He used this money to travel back to the United States and settle in Austin, working as a male stripper in a local bar.
He came across two adolescents, a boy and a girl, who were covered in blood and traumatized. They told him they had murdered all their relatives and were on the run from the law, a few crime lords, and a couple ex comvicts. Roberto adopted them two days later. They told him all about their adventures and he felt he needed to share their experiences with the world. He took their stories and made three movies out of them: Spy Kids, Spy Kids 2: The Pedophiles Revenge, and Spy Kids 3-D: Yes it Really is in 3-D. The movies were never very popular but he considers them his greatest works. He made a respectable profit of 30 pesos and a used condom.
He settled down in Austin and one night woke up to find his loved one, Goldie, dead next to him in the bed. The cops showed up and wanted to frame him, but he proceeded to kill all of them by shooting off their ears and ripping their nuts out. He then went to a church to confess his sins, only to find he was set up yet again as Mexican assassins started shooting up the confession booth. He crawled out and scaled the walls of the church. After jumping out of an upper story window and landing in a pile of garbage bags, Quentin Tarantino showed up just in time to rescue him from the Mexican banditos.
[edit] Flickography
- QT and Me (1986)
- El Chingon (1990)
- El Mariachi (1991)
- Spy Kids (1998)
- Spy Kids 2: The Pedophile's Revenge (2000)
- Spy Kids 3-D: Yes it's Really in 3-D(2002)
- Spy Kids 4: Holy Shit Another One?(2008)
[edit] The Latter Years
After that, Roberto disappeared from the map for a while. Currently no one knows where he resides. He fell into history books as a myth and a legend. No one knows for sure if Roberto was real or not. There are many people who believe he is currently under the alias of Robert Rodriguez, a respected filmmaker from Texas, but it's mostly rumor. Who knows when Roberto Rodriguez will grace the earth with his prescence once again.
