Rock

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For other clumsy uses, see Rock (disambiguation).

Watch for Falling Rocks.

Rock Conservation status: Secure
Olivine basalt (Basaltus olivianus)
Scientific classification
Kingdom: Mineralia Phylum: Lithos Flintstone, 9885 B.C.
Classes
Ignea, igneous rocks Sedimenta, sedimentary rocks Metamorpha, metamorphic rocks Blackpool, Blackpool rock

“ Geology ROCKS! ”

~ Geologist on rocks

“And then the geologist came, observed, examined, measured, studied, analysed, and left. ”

~ Narrator on rocks

Rocks are a group of hard, stony organisms in the mineral kingdom belonging to the phylum Lithos. Rocks are by far the Earth's most common inhabitants, being present in abundance on all seven continents and in every ocean, with fossilized rocks composing a large percentage of the Earth's crust. The fossil record also shows rocks to be among the oldest inhabitants of the earth; whereas the earliest multicelled organisms evolved approximately 600 million years ago, rocks have existed almost since the earth was first formed more than 4.5 billion years ago, in forms virtually unchanged since then. Also, rocks have an IQ roughly equivalent to that of George W. Bush.

Contents 1 Taxonomy 2 Domestication 3 Rocks in the food chain 4 Life span of rocks 5 Reproductive Behaviour 6 Psychological Temperament 7 Overpopulation and Environmental Toxicity 8 Types of Rock

[edit] Taxonomy

Taxonomists divide phylum Lithos into four classes:

• Class Ignea, the igneous rocks, are usually found in the vicinity of current or former sites of volcanic activity. Most identified species of igneous rock are hard and massive, such as granite (order Granite), but igneous physiology varies widely, ranging from lightweight and porous (like pumice, family Pumicia) to dense and almost glassy (like the obsidians, family Obsidianae). Igneous rocks are believed to be the class of rocks most closely related to magma (phylum Magma), from which rocks evolved.
• Class Sedimenta, the sedimentary rocks, are typically found near modern or ancient alluvial
  

  

  An emo rock.
  deposits and sedimentary basins, and are also very common in and around oceans and former seabeds. Sedimentary rocks often exhibit a rough, gritty appearance, such as sandstones (order Arena), though Sedimenta also contains rocks such as the chalks (family Calcinae), which tend to be very finely grained and have a smooth, more uniform appearance.
• Class Metamorpha, the metamorphic rocks, are usually found deep underground, although they can sometimes be found closer to the surface in areas of extensive erosion and/or tectonic uplift. Metamorphic rocks are generally believed to have evolved from igneous rocks, although some mineral biologists (or geologists, as they are also called) believe that some metamorphic rocks evolved from sedimentary rocks.
• Class Blackpool, Blackpool rock, is exclusively found in British coastal areas. In its most common form it is pink and white in colour but can be found in almost any colour. Blackpool rock often has strange markings that appear throughout the whole rock. It is extremely brittle and is actually edible, having a minty flavour.
• Class Barney Rubble, Barney Rubble, is found within old abandoned twinkie factories, usually around large bongs and/or foreskin clippers. The Barney Rubble has many characteristic which have eluded scientists to this day, for they are very rare and all that scientists know about the rock itself pronounces the word "Spaghetti" as "Pasghetti".

[edit] Domestication

Humans first domesticated rocks during the so-called Stone Age, when prehistoric man first found rocks' immobility and extremely rugged physiology ideal in the making of small tools and weapons. Archaeologists have found the perfectly preserved bodies of small flints and other rocks that have been shaped by paleolithic humans into objects such as spear points and arrowheads. The use of rocks as tools diminished during the Bronze Age and thereafter, but domestic rocks have thrived alongside humans ever since. Today, rocks play important roles in a wide variety of fields, from building construction to curling, and have even come back into fashion as weapons in some of the more conflict-prone areas of the Middle East.

Tame rocks may be found in and around the 1970s, being kept as pets. This was a result of the wholesale agricultural breeding of rocks and modern methods of taming, as well as a sudden decrease in the production and hence market price of rock food.

[edit] Rocks in the food chain

The rock is part of one of the most remarkable food chains in existence. The primary diet of the rock is scissors, which it eats by first smashing the scissors' beak (or, in the case of the Eastern Rock, simply stunning it) and then absorbing the resultant shards. The only known predator of the rock is paper, which prefers the tactic of grabbing the rock and pulling it into the darkness, where, through some unknown function, the paper simply devours the rock.

However, paper is kept in check by scissors, as the razor-sharp beak of the scissors can destroy paper, where the mass of the rock could not. In a nutshell, as long as scissors, paper, and rock are present in an ecosystem, they will hold one another in check quite effectively. A few unscrupulous biologists have experimented with dynamite in such ecosystems. This weapon can be very detrimental to the rock population, resulting in severe outbreaks of explosion.

Although the scissors can attempt to sever the wick of the dynamite prematurely, some biologists have taken to even more inventive methods of destroying both rocks and scissors with one blow (and paper as well, once it begins to foil these new weapons). These methods are highly controversial in the biology community, and therefore the once-endangered rock can live in safety.

[edit] Life span of rocks

The life span of the average rock is extremely long. The U.S. Department of the Inferior, claims that rock in the San Gabriel mountains are up to 1.7 billion years old. The life span of billions years is disputed by experts in leading science journals such as Conservapedia and CreationWiki who propose a much simpler theory that the maximum life span of a rock is 6000 years. People believing this simpler theory are known as Simpletons, although they claim to have talked to San Gabriel himself who confirms their belief.

[edit] Reproductive Behaviour

Many rocks breed by releasing vast amounts of their gametes, called sediment. This happens only once per year under the harvest moon. Most of this sediment eventually washes down to the sea. Here some lie down on the ocean floor and others lie on top of them. They take part in a vast orgy of sexual frenzy, and finally collapse in exhaustion to create new rocks, which live under water for quite some period. All this action takes place in something geologists call a bed. This aquatic juvenile phase seems to be an essential part of the life cycle of the Sedimenta class of rock, and is similar to that of many salamanders, to which genetic tests suggest they may be very closely related. However, like many insects they undergo a metamorphosis (or diagenesis) slowly form hard parts and eventually crawl out onto dry land where they live out the adult part of their life cycle.

Some rocks are known to live only in caves. These rocks are known as troglodites. Little is known of their complex ecosystems, although two forms are known: stalagmites (named after the type locality of the first cave in which they were discovered, which lay under a German POW camp) and stalactites. Palaeontologists once classified these as two distinct morphological species, although recent genetic sequencing suggests sexual dimorphism of one single troglodite organism. The male stalactite drips its reproductive fluid over the sex organs of the female stalagmite, which lies underneath it. Note that a female stalagmite is never found on top of the male stalactite, as this would be considered an abomination. Most troglodites have lost all their natural pigments and appear to be a bleached white colour. Scientific tests have confirmed that they have lost the ability to see, which serves no purpose in this dark cave environment.

Most rocks live a sessile lifestyle, although exceptions do exist, including the famous Rolling Stones, whose great proven age is direct evidence against the 6000-year limit of life span proposed by Simpletons.

[edit] Psychological Temperament

The traditional view of rocks is as very stable and passive. The psychological health of rocks has recently become of concern in some quarters. Psychologists believe that inbreeding can lead to neurotic and psychotic behaviour from some rocks. In mild cases, some rocks have difficulty in fitting in with their broader society and are said to be in unconformity. Frequently this is just teenage rebellion. Rocks suffering from severe psychological distress and displaying signs of abnormal behaviour are known as erratics. Typically erratics are incapable of living among their own kind and live a life of solitary isolation, and are commonly found to have "cracked", like the one in the photo. This disorder is particularly common in northern climes such as Canada and northern Europe. Some schools of thought suggest the behaviour is a manifestation of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) triggered by the short periods of winter sunlight in these extreme lattitudes.

Erratics are common garden pests in Ontario. Children, small animals and the elderly should be cautious of approaching erratics. While walking through the woods make a lot of noise to avoid surprising them. Never run from an erratic, as this could trigger aggressive behaviour, but back away slowly. Climbing a tree as an escape route is not advised - erratics have been known to wait for years at the base of such trees.

While cases of individual neuroses displayed by erratics are not uncommon, collective socialpsychological behaviour in the form of mass hysteria is known. Contagion of this deviant behaviour is common as rocks live in very crowded situations. It is believed that earthquakes start when one rock just cannot take it any more. Panic rapidly spreads among surrounding rocks until an entire population cracks under the stress of their day-to-day existence. A vibrant hippie counterculture and psychedelic drugs are believed to be the reason why the rocks of California suffer so much from such collective psychological distress.

In the 1970s there was a craze of Pet Rocks, before these psychological disorders were recognized. This craze did not last long, and following a few tragic maulings of young children, most states banned keeping rocks as pets, which can only now be done under special licence. Pet rocks must wear a muzzle when being walked in public.

[edit] Overpopulation and Environmental Toxicity

Rocks have been breeding for such a long period that the world is now overpopulated with them, and they now constitute a major environmental problem. 6000 or several billions of years, whatever their long life span it is very long, and this makes them a highly persistent pollutant.

Rocks pose many hazards. Many have concentrations of toxic heavy metals many orders of magnitude higher than those legally mandated as safe for human health by the EPA. These toxins may have evolved as a defence mechanism against other predatory rocks or paper. Others emit dangerous radiation, either directly, or by emitting harmful radon gas, which can build up in homes of both people and God-fearing Americans, causing lung cancer. Some scientists believe that radon may be a pheromone signalling maturity and the intention of breeding to other rocks. Whatever the truth, their radioactive nature poses a major hazard to human health. Still others, such as those in the Order Coal, contain very high levels of carbon. In the summer period, they are frequent causes of wildfires, which may be fanned by winds and can threaten towns.

Rocks of the class Ignea are highly corrosive to human skin. Double rubber gloves, chemical goggles and thick boots should be used if they are to be handled. These corrosive rocks come in two forms: basic and acidic. Care should be taken when handling these as they are chemically incompatible. Mixing basic and acidic forms can provoke a violent chemical reaction, liberating a great deal of heat and toxic fumes, and should only be done in a fume hood.

The toxicity, environmental persistance, and overpopulation of rocks has led to California Proposition 469, which could see rocks banned state-wide as of 2008.

[edit] Types of Rock

There are hard rocks, soft rocks, rocks with good cleavage planes, and rocks that you have to taste to categorize. To a geologist, the world of rocks is analogous to the world of candy; there are so many types, but most of them taste good and are fun to be with . I do like the pie taste and it makes a funny smell in the place where i live (on a big tall mountin.) pie pie pieee. There is another type of Rock that leads the Student Union at Pershore College. He is hung like a donkey according to famed soil scientist, Dave 'The Oracle' Iorns.