Rock, Paper, Scissors
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Occasionally, I like to dress like a lady and run around in the garden singing the National Anthem”
~ Oscar Wilde on something totally irrelevant to this article
“Rock crushes scissors, but paper covers rock, and scissors cuts paper. Kif, we have a conundrum.”
~ Zapp Brannigan on Rock, Paper, Scissors
Rock, Paper, Scissors is a particularly savage game in which contestants attempt to murder each other with the use of either rocks, paper or scissors. Use of foreign objects (such as shurikens, or Martha Stewart) is strictly forbidden. Any infringement on these rules is monitored closely by Winston Churchill from his Zeppelin Airship, and punished with extreme prejudice. In many cultures around the world, this game is actually considered the ultimate form of Justice. The popularity of this blood sport was increased when it was announced it would be a major feature in the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games
Contents |
[edit] Rock
Rocks (not to be confused with Chris Rock) are the most deadly of the three weapons, and the most widely used. During World War III, rocks were the main weapon of choice for the Lebanese army, which conquered half the globe before being eaten by Mr T.
[edit] Paper
Allegedly made from trees, paper is the most deadly of the three weapons. After intense training, paper ninjas are able to use paper blades to inflict deadly paper cuts upon their opponents, sometimes even severing their arteries. Additionally, paper can be folded into paper airplanes and used to puncture the eyes of foes. Paper is also reputedly the weapon of choice of ninjas.
[edit] Scissors
Invented by Osama Bin Laden in 1882, scissors are the most deadly weapon of the three, partially because of friendly fire (combatants running with scissors).
Also scissors were later adopted by emos as a tool for emotionally gratifying themselves(aka self mutilation). Emos later abandoned the scissors for the more favorable hatchet, because hatchets increased their overall cutting and attention getting powers.
[edit] Variations
[edit] Ultimate RPS
Any number of players, and anything can be used. Some of the best weapons include nuclear missiles, cell phones, deities, dynamite, and even your mom. However, Chuck Norris always wins. Always. (Except when Bruce Lee plays.)
Problems occur when a player uses AIDS or even Bubonic Plague, and the game is a draw.
Some players will also cheat by bringing stagnant water and waiting for mosquitoes to breed and commanding the mosquitoes to slay all opposition with malaria.
Another game with similar rules is AK-47, RPG7, M16. This game has been very popular over the globe but was banned by the Janeva Convention in the 1990's when a game got out of hand in the middle east between American and Iraq forces. the rule book had to be checked to ensure that the use of WMD's was infact illegal. The rule was added to the rule book but the participants of Iraq still found this unfair and another game in 2005 took place in which no WMD's at all were present.
[edit] The Tool of Lazar Weiner
It is legend that the great composer, Lazar Weiner, used this as his tool to defeat the mighty T-Rex. The story says that he challenged the T-Rex to this test of manhood and beat him with one hand tied behind his back. Afterword, Weiner mated with many women in celabration and after he finished they all made him many sandwhiches and he ate them (he accomplished all this without untieing his second hand).
[edit] Bullshit! Paper doesn't beat Rock!
- Main article: Conventional rock-paper-scissors conjecture
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors I always choose rock. Then when some motherfucker claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry, I thought your paper would protect you, asshole."
Additionally, covering a damn rock isn't doing any damage. If you cut paper, it's like "Damn, now I'm in multiple pieces. I want some orange juice." And If you smash scissors with a rock, you'll warp them in a way that they could no longer be used (depending on how hard you hit). By covering a rock in paper, you don't render it useless. Therefore, fuck paper.
(Paper DOES beat scissors, tho. This guy, he was all like, scissors! I win! and I was like nuh-uh! paper beats scissors! and he was all bullshit! and went to poke me in the eyes with his already-scissored fingers, and I totally went all Three Stooges style and blocked him with my hand, in the form of paper, and he was like Ow, I bow to your higher wisdom, sensei. And then I punched him.)
Paper can only beat scissors if the scissors are sharp enough!!! Who the hell will sharpen their scissors!!! If scissors try to cut paper but is too blunt, the paper will get stuck and and the scissors will stay at the same place which will result in a game draw!!! Who the hell thought about the stupid RPS!!!
[edit] How Paper does beat Rock
Paper may not physically be able to stop a rock, however it does not need to. The paper is no mere piece of paper, it is government ratified anti-rock legislation. Therefore paper beats rock. However, scissors can still chop it up as it's just a damn bit of paper.
Additionally, on a purely symbolic level, paper is representative of trees, whose roots have been known to crush rocks by penetrating them thoroughly. Sicilian theorists have posed a question of the possibility of a rolling boulder that would snap a tree in half, which has prompted the comeback of the mighty redwood, which could take a boulder with ease. This has escalated to avalanches, which come from mountains which are often covered with forests. At this point, only the most tenacious of debators point out that the entire Earth is just a big rock, mightier than any forest on it, and such are silenced by the fact that said forests are needed to sustain life on earth. If one has the audacity to bring meteors into the picture, one may simply point out that that harms the earth just as much as any given forest. Any further arguments are indicative of Asperger's Syndrome and may thus be ignored.
[edit] Chuck Norris,Bookshelf,Bruce Campbell
A variation of the classic game which uses two of the most powerful people on the planet, Chuck Norris and Bruce Campbell. Bruce Campbell beats Chuck Norris as he has a more powerful chin(thats the reason Chuck Norris has a beard, to hide his inferior chin). Chuck Norris beats Bookshelf as he is able to beat anything, and Bookshelf beats Bruce Campbell as Bookshelf is his only weakness. Some may say that the Bookshelf could be hired by Chuck Norris to defeat Bruce Campbell, but Bruce Campbell could have just hired Mr.T to get the Bookshelf in a never ending cycle...
[edit] History
The game of Rock Paper Scissors dates back to old English times where competitors would duel using boulders, swords, and parchment. It is believed by some that the roots of the game go back as far as caveman times, where they would compete using rocks, stone tablets, and sharper rocks. Of course, it was not called "Rock Paper Scissors", because every item was made from rock back then. They would have called it “Rock Rock Rock” had it not been for the fact that they had not invented language yet. The rules you have before you were translated by Shakespeare himself from ancient Egyptian tablets, recovered by Napoléon Bonaparte, taken back in time by pirates from the future, and later destroyed by space aliens from Omega-Phi-Gamma-Three-and-Five-Eights.
[edit] Variations
Rock Paper Scissors, as stated above, was originally played as Rock Rock Rock. This cause some difficulties, for the winner would be the one with the biggest fist, thus representing the biggest rock. When fire was invented in 789 BC and the wheel in 788.42 BC, the game took a turn for the better with Dirt Wheel Fire. The logic went: wheel ran over dirt, dirt extinguished fire, and fire burned wheel. This, however, had to be changed when, upon complex investigation, fire did not burn wheel. The early cavemen were stuck without a pastime for hundreds of years. They were forced to sit in their caves and evolve. When the Egyptians invented paper, this replaced fire. The wheel was abandoned in favor the more simpler rock. However, once again, people argued about how paper beat rock. This was resolved when the great Egyptian ruler, Cleopatra, made a rule that scribes and other highly held positional figures had to use paper. This made people happy because now they could back at the losers who made them feel inferior. When the scissors were invented by a the Czar Siz, called Siz the Czar, everyone became happy. This only chronicles the brief history of Rock Paper Scissors.
[edit] Transcript of a recorded battle
Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!
...
Fuck!
