Rock Wars of 2050

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“Give me Rock or, give me a Twinkie. I really don't care which.”

~ Fat punk on Rock

“Remeber that time when all the rockers got together and fought MTV and won and nine eleveeeeeeeeeen.”

~ Willie Nelson on making a song about rock

Contents 1 The Beginning 2 The Resistance 3 Destruction of the Moon 4 The Triple Alliance 5 Back to the Past 6 The Second Coming of Man Whose Name Starts With J 7 The Final Battle 8 The Survivors 9 The Aftermath 10 Fun Facts

[edit] The Beginning

In the spring of 2050, Viacom, and its poser television station MTV led a crusade to crush Rock & Roll once and for all! There were various attempts to destroy rock and roll before, including the assassination of Cliff Burton and Dimebag Darrell in a try to destroy Metallica and Pantera, the brain-washing of the MTV hating Nirvana to pollute the rock gene pool, which failed when Cobain broke free of the mind-control squid and shot himself, and the planned irish revolt against Dave Mustaine and Megadeth. MTV, leading the crusade used its master general, Carson Daly to commanded the Grand Army of Popular Music. These armies contained various legions, including the "Pimp Rappa's," the "Teenboppers," the "Popular Punks," there was always a reinforment legion of "The Alternative Crowd." However, the most feared of the legions were the legendary fighters "The Emo Kids." Armies of 14 year-old girls with cut wrists, bad rappers, "punk" rockers, and various others frequently shown on MTV set out to purge the planet of all things rock. Under the watchful command of Generals Johnny Knoxville and Bam Margera, they forced the few remaining rock bands underground. They were taken under the protection of Heavy Metal, which had been underground since the crippling effect of Nirvana. As powerful as Viacom, and its various cable network underlings were, the underground was a force that, much like lice and Ray Mears, were hard to kill. These rock bands became known as the tr00 warriors, named this by the members of the Metal Council, it was in remembrance of the Black Metal warriors that had upheld all things awesome in the early century...

[edit] The Resistance

As large, and as protected the underground was, the remaining Rock and Roll bands knew that they had to save the souls of millions of would be rockers. With nothing left but hope, rocker Steven Tyler assembled a ragtag group of rock guerillas, including Trent ReznorKeith Richards, Children Of Bodom(Who where helping just because they wantted to}, Slash, Alice Cooper, Dave Mustaine, ZZ Top, Motorhead, Van Halen, Kiss, and the remaining members of the pantera (all still freaking hammered, of course). They conducted nearly nightly raids on Carson Daily's mobile death fortress on the Moon. Tragedy first struck when Carson's 2nd in command, Admiral Eminem struck down Lars Ulrich during a botched koala bear bombardment. Although it was a glorious day for the sound quality of drums, the loss of a warrior who represented so much was devestating. But then again, Ulrich had been a traitor anyway (see Napster). Nevertheless, the rock guerillas soon struck back, under the command of generals Slash and Angus Young, due to the death of general Steven Tyler who was murdered by Sir Paul McCartney and Bono who were once part of the resistance but switched sides for unknown reasons (see section "people who ran out of creativity" for more information), by cornering and applying an atomic wedgie to Justin Timberlake. Tommy Lee, who had been a fan of Ulrich's music, decided that this was not enough. So he, along with Nikki Sixx and Mick Mars, stormed an MTV2 outpost under the command of Admirla Rihanna. While Mick held off the preppy girls under her command, Tommy used his manely charm to seduce Rihanna into bed, where Nikki continually smashed a T-Bird on her head. These early battles toughened the resistance, showed them what was nessesary. But the war would still drag on. General Young was brutally killed on the same day whilst duelling a brainwashed Tom Morello, who unexpectedly turned Super Saiyan just as Young was about to deliever the killing blow. Young attempted to keep up, with the Super Saiyan, but that set his fingers on fire, putting him in too much pain to continue the battle. Tom Morello than belted out an awesome solo at the defenseless Young, Gutting him and exploding his head. Morello than claimed The SG Of Legend as his own.

With global situations growing worse by the day for The Resistance, General Slash ordered an excursion into the caves of Old Italy to find the Archwizard Ronnie James Dio, the last of the Prophets. He knew the locations of the descendants of the first rock band. Dio, who at this point had mastered the powers of fire, wind, ice, and being very short, used his dark powers to call forth the mythical rockers from the far corners of the earth. A blinding light then engulfed the excursion party and a stairway from heaven appered, and a band, none other than Led Zeppelin, walked down. With their lackey Chris Cornell, whom they'd send out to buy them their daily regiment of liquor and LSD. With the sheer destructive force of Led Zeppelin and the black magic of Dio at their side, it seemed as if the Resistance would finally get their break (and Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey).

As a side note, it should be noted (hence the note, making this part of the sentence completely unnecessary) that Tyler created an elite group early on consisting of Slash, Brian May, and ZZ Top, who together, managed to destroy Morello and reclaim The SG Of Legend. However, this much hair was deemed way to dangerous to keep in one place as memories of the horrible Chin Battle between Bruce Campbell and Jay Leno resurfaced. The group was completely disbanded, though not before the destruction of Saturn. Why Saturn was destroyed, no one knows, that's just the way it was. Now move on to the next paragraph, asshole.

[edit] Destruction of the Moon

With their newfound allies, The Resistance led a large scale assault on Carson Daily's moon base. However, Carson had a surprise of his own, countering the attack with Fall Out Boy and Avril Lavigne. After a long and drawn out battle, Led Zeppelin, With Jimmy Page on The SG Of Legend, held down MTV's forces, having the rest of the Resistance flee, as Zep would self destruct, blowing up the moon, as well as destroying Carson, his minions and The double-necked SG Of Legend. After a tearful goodbye, General Slash led his forces back to Earth, alive thanks to the valient efforts of Led Zeppelin. However, they could not rest long, as it had turned out that the Carson on the moon was only a clone!

Realizing his masters had been tricked, Chris Cornell at this point became a nomad warrior, who would avenge the deaths of Led Zeppelin, by sneaking into the UN Global Headquarters located in Bel-Air, California. There, he swiftly assassinated Fresh President of the World (and MTV lackey) Will Smith. However, he would not escape alive, as he was afterwards captured by MTV authorities who interrogated him for days for the location of the base of General Slash and his men. After 13 days, Carson himself appeared, offering him amnesty if he would divulge the location of the base of The Resistance. Cornell simply smiled, and said "I know what to do... I'm gonna fuck... fuck... fuck... fuck you..." before Carson uncerimoniously shot him in the forehead.

[edit] The Triple Alliance

After their defeat at the battle of the Moon, Daly created a pact with Chuck Norris and John Travolta that allowed them to bring back Disco. Fortunately, the undead portal also allowed Sid Vicious, Glenn Danzig (Misfits era), Johnny Ramone, and Joe Strummer (all the REAL punk rockers), and Cliff Burton, to come back too and get rid of disco just like they did in the 70's. This was good, because Disco sucks. Like, alot. All the guys back then were real girls, not cool girls like Motley Crue and stuff like that. So yeah, that wasn't that hard.

[edit] Back to the Past

Kurt Cobain was soon resurrected by MTV as Zombie-Cobain and sent him back in time with explicit instructions to reform Nirvana and not kill himself this time, so he may destroy rock and roll before Keith Richards would be able to assemble his band of freedom fighters, thus bringing victory to MTV. In retaliation, The Resistance sent the Motor City God of Rock Ted Nugent back in time to deal with this menace. In a climactic battle, Ted crashed a Nirvana concert and played 'Wang Dang Sweet Poontang,' which brought Zombie-Cobain to his senses. Awakened from his MTV brainwashing, he knew what he had to do. Zombie-Cobain heroically shot himself in the head with a shotgun (much like he did in his previous life). Also going back in time was the recently reincarnated Dimebag Darrell, along with his brother Vinnie Paul Abbott. The Duo then began to crash as many grunge concerts as they could, including Pearl Jam, Generation X, and Soundgarden. This, aloung with Cobains heroism, bought precious time for Rock and Roll.

[edit] The Second Coming of Man Whose Name Starts With J

The Resistance was weary, and its last hope lay with the chance that the large Rock & Roll section of VH1 could pull through for them. But MTV was watching its sister closly, and the moment it saw a chance that a Rock person at VH1 was doing something to help the rockers, they were eliminated. Carson Daily soon ordered the replacing of VH1's rock section with more Celebreality shows, a gimic the channel had been running for almost half a century. With their last hope crushed by the Carson Daily's iron fist, the Resistance feared that it would just fade away into the underground, and never be seen again by the likes of someone who doesn't spent countless hours listening to music or admiring James Hetfield's dick, and surfing music websites. But Alice Cooper had an idea. He used his witch powers to channel a signal through a group of death and blackmetalheads, right to Satan. Satan, who was a fan of Cooper's work (Feeding My Frankenstein had helped him quite a lot when he decided to get a Frankenstein Monster as a pet), then connected him with God, who turned out to be a Prog Metalhead (Which explains the existence of many, many things). God decided that MTV had to be crushed and that Rock & Roll should prevail so he arranged for Jimi Hendrix to be brought back to life. He also let Gandhi go too, because God was getting quite annoyed by him, as that little Indian is quite annoying. The Resistance had hope. Jimi used his guitar playing, now even better after studying with many other dead artists, to summon the spirits of many fallen rockers, including that of Jim Morrison and Zach De La Roacha (WAIT!!! he is not dead!!!(oh yeah his career is...)) (although Syd Barrett was not resurrected, because he was too busy tripping out). Jim set up an appointment with MTV's legions to have a Final Battle.

[edit] The Final Battle

The final battle began on the barrens of Old Hollywood. MTV had set up many defenses throughout the battlefield. Master General Carson himself was commanding the legions of MTV. General Akon, now second in command after the death of General Eminem after his fight with Kieth Richards, had stationed his battalion of bad rappers at the end of the Sunset Strip. General Slash had placed the bulk of his forces inside the strip itself. He, along with Dio, Alice Cooper, Yngwie Malmsteen and Steve Vai had to keep the strip under the resistances control. The bands Metallica, Anthrax, Slayer, Thrashold and Megadeath snuck up the hill to the hollywood sign and caught General Avril Lavigne by surprise. What followed was a huge fight between the greatest Thrash Metal-ists and the most annoying songwriter in history. Lynyrd Skynyrd (the enitre band, for God also let them go too) held down all of G-Unit in a glorious feat which included Gibson SG's, three buses, a plane, a trained eagle, and 24 Macadamia Nuts. Then, out of the horizon a lone knight appeared. The resistances saw this and were given hope. But on closer look it was realized that the knight was indeed the one true savior Axl Rose! General Slash then rode out to meet the once almighty whom had fallen, passing to him the key to Chinese Democracy, the monster that could save the world and end the war. Axl snake danced past the bullets and the elctric shreds but no! He was taken down by the traitorous Tommy Thayer, a mere private in the ranks of rock. Gene Simmons quickly disposed of his former ally by impaling him on his own guitar, after trusting Gene and being put under the spell of the tongue. As Gene carried the Rose, MTV sent the Jonas Brothers into the battle. Their crappy singing voices killed Peter Crisis and Paul Stanley, but Ace Frehley made manage to kill two of the Jonas Brothers with a rousing rendition of Shock Me. Unfortunately, Ace self destructed after singing this wonderful song. Gene Simmons smashed his Axe bass guitar on the remaining Jonas Brother splitting his skull into two. MTV then brought forth a new champion. MTV created a giant mechanical Christina Aguilera that created fear throughout the cosmos. However, suddenly a bright light in the shape of three inter-twinning circles appeared in the sky with great aura. Four bright CD's of all new material then dropped out of the sky like an atomic bomb. Aguilera, having no idea what this sign in the sky meant, meanwhile walked over to them and attempted to pick them up, when she was suddenly assimilated into what came to be the almighty Chinese Democracy appearing from the sky, all was silent as Slash unleashed it upon the earth, piercing with it's guitar driven melodies and Buckethead like ownage. The fallen lord (Rose) then gathered what was left of the resistance and in remembrance of the sacrifice of his rock compadres led a full on assault backed by the mighty monster known as Chinese Democracy. General Carson Daly was immediately pulled into submission by the punishing riffs of Rose's siren like screams whilst Slash pounded upon General Akon, crushing his pathetic rap attack with a raw guitar solo. In the dying embers of the battle the juggernauting monster Chinese Democracy, Rose and Slash set their sights upon MTV, with privates Sorum and McKagan and field marshall Stradlin unleashed the ultimate weapon, the forbidden, totally we should not be playing this live "One In A Million", MTV swarmed by the backlash and angry critics over the song being played, ran away, only to be betrayed by its much cooler sibling MTV2, who angrily smashed a guitar into a 350 stack amp, the raw electrical discharge, combined with Rose and Slash's aural assault, imploded MTV upon impact. Rock had prevailed.....because the infighting had finished. All was well in the land of rock, and someday the bastard son of MTV, MTV Hits, vowed vengeance.

But that's another story for another day, right?

[edit] The Survivors

Sadly, the war took most of our heroes' lives, and there were only a few known survivors...that we know of. The survivors included General Slash and Corporal Trent Reznor. The other survivors were Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, who have been rejected by both heaven and hell, Paul McCartney (was being beaten by his wife at the time and could not join the resistance until the end), Michael Angelo Batio and John Lennon, who had to come back from the dead because the rockers were getting their ass kicked by MTV's secret weapon Carson Daily (who is not funny at all by the way). Ozzy and Friends travled to Tokyo where they created a new Hear N' Aid with the other survivors of the war. Dio, getting mad that Ozzy copied his idea, hired Gene Simmons to press charges. The outcome was the copyright infrengment wars of 2051. Finally, there was Buckethead, whom played a key role for the Resistance. He had heard of secret plans for MTV to release the army's of Britney Spears and the Baldwomen, and Ashlee Simpson and her frightening LipSynchers. Buckethead stopped them days before they were about to attack the resistance head on. He summoned the spirits of dead chickens to fight them, and eventually got pissed and transformed into a giant robot and smashed....everything. Nowadays, Buckethead operates Bucketheadland with Les Claypool, one whom did not participate in the wars because he felt like it. Van Halen also lived through the war.

There are, however, stories about more survivors of the war, thought we don't know if they are true or not, we always hope.

Ted Nugent is rumored to still be alive after his adventures in the past. Some say he encased himself in solid uranium at the South Pole, where he is sleeping in case another evil force threatens Rock and Roll again in the future. Some say he got the cat scracth fever. However, nobody knows for sure...

Also the four kings of Thrash metal did not die after the final battle. They were raised to heaven just like Mother Mary was and forever thrash with Jesus, who is a huge fan of the Slayer song "God hates us all".

Despite the fact he was murdered/assassinated early in the war by Super Saiyan Tom Morello, General Angus Young was revived by God after he proved his worth in heaven after having a guitar bettle with Him-and winning. God was also thought to have revived Bon Scott (unconfirmed) as well, after Bon beat Him in a drinking contest. This proves that if someone is Better than God at ANYTHING thats rock'n/metal, they will always be revived.

Radiohead was still recording their seventh album, Crazy-eyed Angsty Guy in 2050, therefore they did not participate in the war. It was because Johnny Greenwood was screwing up his telecaster and Thome Yorke was busy looking for a drum machine in the intrawebs.

Motorhead got a new album out. Ace of Clubs.

Guns N' Roses embarked on the Survivor tour of 2052, selling out stadiums with their stories of rock and triumph.

[edit] The Aftermath

• MTVHits waits for revenge.
• Christina Aguilera is the 52nd daughter of Oscar Wilde.
• Jim Morrison merged with Kim Thayil and became Super Mohammed
• Mohammed is danish.
• Osama Bin Laden and George Bush own MTV.
• Osama Bin Laden and his band, My Chemical Jihad release their first single.
• The meaning of MTV in chinese is ['the other circle', 'http://flororojo.foros.st']
• Metallica are tr00 again.
• Buckethead eats Burger King and not KFC, as some people believe.
• The prophet Axl Rose returned to claim the land that was not his in the first place.

[edit] Fun Facts

• Johnny Knoxville is in fact 3 plates of spaghetti.
• No animals (except Bono) were harmed in the making of this war.
• Willie Nelson was stoned to death for writing a song in support of rock. (and no rocks were used in his stoning. Just Marajiuana.
• War is actually good for something (Good god y'all!).
• Sleater-Kinney is in fact the name of the pope.
• Buckethead became the god of Jordan and The night of the slunk because We are one.
• \m/
• \m/,
• Black Sabbath became huge. No, seriously. They grew, like, 18 feet tall. Except Ronnie James Dio. He shrunk.
• Axl Rose came out of hiding and unleashed Chinese Democracy on the world. He did, and it killed in a mass onslaught of blood and guitars.