Rock music
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Who are you going to trust: this uncyclopedia article, or your lying eyes?
| Watch for Falling Rocks. |
 | TḦÏS ÄRTÏCLË RÄẄKS Ḧöẅëvër, ïẗ nëëds mörë ümläüẗs. |
“The Sharif don't like it.”
~ The Clash on the Casbah
“It's very loud.”
~ Captain Obvious on rock in general
“It is truly the devil's music!”
~ The Pope on Rock music
“It's gonna be smooth jazz from now on kids.”
~ Liverachi on rock music
“This is the best thing ever”
~ Jesus on something completely unrelated!
Rock music has the distinction of being one of the world's most popular musical genres, only people with intelligence and often a devillish tendency listen to rock music.
[edit] History
Rock started during the '50s with some dude called Chuck Berry that thought that he wanted to fuck with the souls of ordinary and primarily White people, and decided to sell his soul to Satan. Then, some guy called Elvis decided he could actually make money off this soul-sucking sound. He copied Berry, but then was unfortunately killed by the army. The would later reappear, to fake his own death on a toilet.
The music developed during the '60s, where the bands started doing drugs and desperately tried to bring some hope to the genre with their "art rock". This was however ruined by the fact that most of the art was still satanic (and not art at all, just noise). In the late '60s the evil music developed to it's purest form: Hard rock was created. Hard rock consists out of mindless screaming, guitars making squeeling noises, blood, fire and death. This developed into even more extreme evil in the early '70s, called heavy metal. Heavy metal was the most groundshaking, bone-crushing and Christ-hating music ever, the mere sound of it was enough to kill small children. However, this wasn't enough. During the '80s came the dreaded death metal, which is unholy and should not be spoken of. Since then rock music has been immensely popular amongst black people, with up to 98% of people who listen to rock music being black.
[edit] Musically
Rock music acts as a way of escaping good music for those who prefers soul-eating garbage, as pop music expands one's mind with wonderful, easy listening and safe music because of the catchy, nice hooks and godloving artists, such as Britney Spears and Spice Girls. People have the natural instinct to listen to something that doesn't give you headache, so that's why rock is so unpopular among us humans (people who listen to rock are filthy beasts from the pits of hell). If one don't have any urge to listen to the afore mentioned artists, the Devil in ones head continues to fill up and the victim becomes an evil rock fan. Because rock music is so terribly satanist it is able to twist the minds of the once uncorrupted youth and bring them to the dark side.
[edit] Lyrics
The lyrics of rock music talk about... Many terrible things. For example, the lyrics of Led Zeppelin's song "Black Dog" speak about Afro-American rights:
"Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move
Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove.
Ah, ah, child, way you shake that thing
Gonna make you burn, gonna make you sting.
Hey, hey, baby, when you walk that way
Watch your honey drip, can't keep away."
[edit] Rock music in popular culture
Rock music is most common in news as many rock songs got backmasked messages that tells the poor teens that listen to that crap to commit suicide or kill their parents. Also, there was some late night show for vampires and devil worshippers only playing rock music on the radio once. It got shut down as the rate of people murdering each other rose with 500 % during the two weeks the show was aired. Rock music is never used in film soundtracks as it can even make Godzilla look like a bad movie.
[edit] Genres of rock
Rock is evil, that's quite obvious by now (if not, you are stupid). However, the evil is split up in many different kinds of evil, some being more terrible (and evil) than others. To be correct, there are many hundred kinds of rock out there, and covering them all would kill Uncyclopedias bandwidth instantly. However, here are some notable ones:
[edit] Rock and roll
As continuing with the theme of the page, this genre put forth a notable revolution in musical advancement when first produced in the 1960's. Fully praised by all god-worshipping, soul-preserving peoples of the world, rock should be accepted by everyone as the dominant (and least satanic) form of music. Examples are Evils and Chuck Berry.
[edit] Psychedelic rock
Take nineteen-fifties rock and roll - drop a tab of acid - smoke a joint - and draw influence from blues or folk music or some crazy thing that has nothing do with rock. take the resulting 'song' (which should be a minimum of eight minutes long), then add lyrics about dreams, hallucinations, and visions, add alot of echo and wierd distorted electric sound effects, and add some bizarre instrument like a harpsicord or a sitar, and you get psychedelic rock. Psychedelic rock is so saturated in drugs that you can practically SEE the music (even without the benefit of having actually done any drugs yourself). I would give you some examples of psychedelic rock bands, but you wouldn't have actually heard of them, loser. What, don't believe me? alright, smartass. Ever heard of The Electric Prunes? Or The Thirteenth Floor Elevators? How about Quicksilver Messenger Service, or Moby Grape, or The Charlatans, or Great Society? No? Ha, I thought so. You're not near hip enough for that groovy stuff, dude, man. Anyway, psychedelic rock music is deeply rooted in..............like, whoa. look at that! dude, a neon-colored tree just sprouted out of my table top! like, whoa. like, oh man.............
[edit] Hard rock
This shit is evil, and that's final. It got earthquaking rythm, noisy guitar and vocals (you can't call it singing) that can makes kitten huffing seem comfortable for the kitten. Lyrics are about violence, gay-sex, satanism and death. Examples are Led Zeppelin,Blue Oyster Cult(GODZILLA!!!!!) AC/DC, and Van Halen (Pre-Hagar).
[edit] Glam rock
This is rock and roll with a gay theme, with lyrics about raping, sex and satanism. Most artists are damned satanist fags wearing drag, seducing poor teens into having unprotected sex and therefore dying in AIDS. Examples are David Bowie and T Rex.
[edit] Progressive rock
This is the twisted, strange form of evil, usually consisting out of weird noises lasting for 20 minutes or more. After hearing a progressive rock piece, people tend to go mad and kill themself, although that maybe has something to do with the backmasked messages that are as important as a 10 minute guitar solo in progressive rock. Examples are Pink Floyd and King Crimson.
[edit] Arena rock
Loud and made for playing in big arenas. That's a lie, as arena is a slang name for underground lairs of evil. No-one would ever let people play rock music in public, fool. However, the sheer volume of this shit can reach every corner of the earth easily. In fact, Deep Purple concerts rendered everyone within a 2 mile radius deaf. Examples are Queen, and Foreigner.
[edit] Space rock
Space rock is not rock. Sorry.
[edit] Pop rock
Pop rock is not rock, either. It's just pop with attitude.
[edit] Soft rock
Soft rock is not rock, it's not even music. It's just soft.
[edit] Punk rock
Those who rock, rock and those who rock don't play punk. Some rockers didn't like the other kinds of rock because they 'didn't get it', so they created punk rock. The only difference is that this is faster and the highbrow lyrics are mostly political (like "I hate the president / I wanna kill the president / I'm asking you to kill the president / Kill the president / Kill kill kill kill kill kill"). Examples are Sex Pistols, The Ramones and The Clash
Note that most teens that listen to this bullshit actually tries to kill the president afterwards. The reason it is not covered in news is simply because it is so common nowadays, calling it "news" would be a lie.
[edit] Hardcore punk
These are just like normal punks, just faster, even more stupid, angry, screaming and rebellious. Like those dipshits in Black Flag and Minor Threat.
[edit] Grunge
I dunno, some punk and metal and stuff is involved here. It is evil, anyway. And dirty. Some dudes called Nirvana made this popular for some short period some time ago, I think. Examples are Nirvana (duh) and Pearl Jam. There has been arguing if grunge really isn't just normal power ballads, as it got soft verses and "heavy" choruses, and angsty themes. Grunge kinda died in a freak salad bar accident, so theres not much else to say (strangely enough that's how indie was born)
[edit] Alternative rock
Okay, here they rly start losing it. This is angsty suicide bullsh1t made by frustrated, acne covured undergrawd fuckheads, mostly Britsh. Strangley, alt rok iz currently the most stoopeed popular form uv rok. L33rix? Angst, all uv it. Egzampels r the Goo Goo Dolls, R.E.M. and Nickelback.
[edit] Indie rock
Indie rock are the genius songwriters who work in the underground of mainstream music, bringing forth the revolution with insightful lyrics such as "I've had the same jeans on for four days now" and "I really like you." Many will tell you that an indie band is a band signed to it's own label, thus bringing down the man with boring, sleepy sounds. But it appears much more vital to have a singer with a northern English accent who cannot, in fact, sing. Their individual take on Rock music is the cunning plan NOT to rock, thus creating 'negative rock' which makes them even more hardcore.
[edit] Heavy metal
Put hard rock, blues rock and Satan in a mixer and this is what you will get. Heavy, mindcrushing evil in it's purest form with death, sex and violence being the most common themes. Aware of this, dear people. Aware. Examples are Black Sabbath and Deep Purple.
[edit] New wave of British heavy metal
Put hard rock, blues rock, Satan, and British people in a mixer and this is what you will get. Heavy, accent-laden evil in it's purest form with death, sex and killing the Scots being the most common themes. Aware of this, dear chaps. Aware. Examples are Iron Maiden and Judas Priest.
[edit] Thrash metal
This is heavy metal on meth. Lyrics are usually fast and aggressive, with heavy distortion, unnecessary noises, and themes such as killing babies. Lots of babies. Rotting ones, on trees, with maggots spewing out of every orifice in their body... AUGHAHAHA SATAN WANTS YOUR SOUL! Examples are Metallica and Megadeth.
[edit] Glam metal
Heavy metal and glam rock mixed for the ultimate gay evil. Lyrics? Sex, and girls, girls, girls. Which is kind of funny, all those songs about girls while they push homoeroticism to the max. Examples are Europe and Mötley Crüe.
[edit] Death metal
Once upon a time, the Grim Reaper wondered how it would sound if he tried to play some metal. So he took the souls of innocent living men and made them play his evil music. Death metal is screaming, extreme, painful and got lyrics about death, satan, necrophilia, violence and death. Examples are Cannibal Corpse and Possessed.
[edit] Black metal
Once upon a time, the Devil wondered how it would sound if he played some metal to compete with the Grim Reaper. So he took the souls of sodomy-obsessed innocent living men and made them play his evil music. Black metal is screaming, extreme, nasty and got lyrics about satan, killing christ, sodomy, death, nazism, satan, satan and satan. Sorry, got carried away there for a moment. Examples are Rotting Santa,Burzum and Satanic Warmaster.
[edit] Doom metal
How to be emotional and suicidal and manly at the same time? Well, the Swedes and the Brits figured it out simultaneously while playing the bloody evil video game DOOM. They made heavy metal h..e..a..v..i..e..r, ....... s..l..o..w..e..r, ....... d...a...r...k...e...r. And thus the most morbid, friggin' sluggish noise in the entire town was born. Lyrics? Death, dying, tears, graveyards, death, death and death. Examples are My Dying Bride and As I Lay Dying, or any band whose name has "dying" in it.
[edit] Nu metal
Put all of the aforementioned genres in a big melting pot, together with stuff that doesn't have anything to do with rock at all such as rap, techno or reggae, and you'll get the worst music ever. Mostly "cool" people listen to this music People who believe that they're "cool" listen to this crap, but they are really just too stupid to listen to real metal. Lyrics are about angsty suicides, "internal struggles" and stuff. Examples are Linkin Park and Limp Bizkit.
