Roger Ebert
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Minitrue mark article doubleplusgoodthink. Miniluv make goodthink fullwise.
“Two Thumbs Up!!!!”
~ Roger Ebert on this article
Roger Ebert is a well-known television personality, mass murderer, and judge. He was created on January 1, 1900 in the Illinois prefecture of America, when a large quantity of unused candles was melted down into a vat of broiling wax. From this humble beginning, Ebert was fashioned into a mannequin and distributed to department stores across the country; his eerily blank gaze was highly effective at numbing customers into an apparel purchasing frenzy.
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[edit] Chief Justice of the Supreme Court
In 1906, Ebert became the second-youngest Chief Justice of the Supreme Court in history (after Chuck Woolery). He served as Chief Justice for 50 years, where his most famous act was writing the majority opinion in Sandler v. The Rest of Humanity, which forever outlawed Adam Sandler in perpetuity throughout the universe.
[edit] Television Personality Turned Mass Murderer
In the 1980s and 90s, he hosted the television show Roger Ebert at the Movies, which documented Ebert as he snuck into movie theatres and discreetly took audience members' wallets.
In 1999, he attempted to steal the wallet of rival television host Gene Siskel. Siskel caught Ebert in the act and the two fought viciously for nearly an hour, to the amusement of the audience in the theatre. The fight ended when Ebert threw Siskel to his death from the projectionist's booth. Ebert, distraught, then went to the roof of the Sears Tower with a high-powered rifle and proceeded to kill random people wandering the streets while yelling, 'I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate my life!' Ebert was never charged with any crime.
[edit] Film Career
Ebert has also enjoyed a successful film career. His most celebrated performance was providing the voice of Darth Vader in the Star Wars saga. One of his lesser known roles is for playing the rear half on the rhinocerous in the Hollywood hit Jumanji
He has also signed on to portray Peter Parker in the upcoming Spider-Man 4.
[edit] Career as a Professional Mannequin
Roger Ebert was so successful as a store mannequin, he decided to expand his horizons and move into the exciting world of crash testing. Once again putting his absent stare to good use, Ebert had an uncanny ability to convince automobile manufacturers to go ahead and put a car on sale to the general public no matter how poor the crash test results were.
Eventually Ebert was relieved of his duties as a crash test dummy in the late 1960s, after several hundred Americans died due to numerous faults in new vehicles being released at the time. Ebert became depressed and made numerous attempts on his life by standing near open fires, sitting in hot tubs and spending extended periods of time in the outdoors under the harsh midday sun, however Ebert felt that he still had a great deal to give to this world and could never quite manage to go all the way. It is rumoured that this period of attempted suicides lead to the drooping of the wax around his jaw and general facial region today.
[edit] Trivia
- Roger Ebert loves pudding.
- He once watched a movie so well that the ending changed.
- Once, out of boredom, he consumed a bag of his own toe nail clippings, only to regurgitate a humanoid blob of proteins which he later named "Richard Roeper".
- His likeness is the 3rd best selling Halloween costume of all time, beaten out only by Richard Karn, and Matthew Lesko.
