Roger Waters
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Several times have I tried to kill him, but have been unable to do so. One of these days..”
“Roger Waters is probably one of the less decent people I've made recently.”
~ God
“I am probably one of the five best writers to have come out of England since the war.”
George Roger "Mother Should I Build the Wall?" Waters (born October 1st 1939 in Bermuda) is a powerful supernatural being existing by (and oddly related to) the means of a series of human conflicts risen since World War II throughout the nations. He has been known to use his psychodaelicoticonaesitic powers to rotate the Moon 180 degrees (and thus to show its "dark side"), make diamonds shine in the sky, turn people into all sorts of animals, construct and tear down walls from nowhere all of a sudden and, most of all, drive people crazy over the rainbow at the window. Roger can be compared to God on some occasions, though that fact would be erraneous - he is more of a poltergeist phenomenon. He is currently a Bush hater asking in one of his songs(leaving Beirut)weather he was born stupid or his Texas Education Fucked him up when he was young.
Contents |
[edit] (Pre 1965) Early years
Georgie grew up in Cambridge. Although his father, Eric Fletcher Waters, had been a Communist, not really he was a hero of British Army, an ardent pacifist, (Roger would not follow in his fathers footsteps and became a fascist dicator) and generally a mambsy pambsy fu-for-all, he had fought in World War II and died in action at a hofbrau in Düsseldorf Germany in 1944 when Roger was only a year old. Waters would often share that he was buttsore about the loss of his father throughout his work, especially on The Great Wall and The Final Crappy (but not as crappy as The Division Bell) Cut. His father's death is detailed in the song "When The Germans Found Out He Was a Man". However, he has said that the mother character from the former album was nothing like his own cross dressing, whiskey drinking whore-of-a-mother. He gained his uncannny ability to smoke and play base guitar simultationusly during a one night S&M threesome with Margaret Thatcher and Mary Whitehouse. Distrust of authority, particularly government, and educational authority is a recurring theme in Reg’s writing. This theme is clearly expressed in "When The Germans Found Out He Was a Man" as Waters expresses what he felt was a hollow and patronizing response to his father's sacrifice at Düsseldorf. He attended the same school as Syd “Brylcreem” Barrett and David “Hotpants” Gilmour and met Nicky Mason and Richard Righton while attending the Regent Street Polytechno school of Autechre. He was a keen sportsman and was fond of killing foxes and swimming in his own feces at the River Cam at Grantchester Meadows.
[edit] (1965-1985) The Rubber Band years
In 1965, Roger Waters was a founding member of Pink Floyd, with then lead singer, guitarist, and principal songwriter Syd “Brylcreem” Barrett, as well as Richard Righton and Nicky Mason. Although Barrett initially did most of the songwriting for the band, Roger did compose "Take Up Thy Keyboard and Walk" a chilling premonition of the sexual tension between himself and Richard Righton that would end in Roger kicking the keyboard player Righton out of the band in 1985. Their 1967 debut LP, Sgt Pepper at the Gates of Dawn was a critical success and positioned the band to "sell out" to The Man.
In 1968, Syd Barrett's erotic behavior with rubber chickens on stage and deteriorating mental health led to his eventual departure from the band. There was plenty of water cooler talk around London that without the talented chicken loving lead singer and songwriter, the band would not be able to sustain its initial success with the under 16 demographic. To fill the void in his soul, Waters began to take complete and total control of the band's artistic direction. Along with his live-in lover, guitarist, and sexy singer David Gilmour, who had joined the band to add to, and later replace the chubby Barrett, Waters brought Pink Floyd back into the proper (stoner and loner) sales demographic, producing a series of albums in the 1970s that remain among the most critically acclaimed and best-selling records of all time. Then he got rather emo, whined a lot about some old bat sending troops to a couple of rocks, and got kicked out. He then proceeded to beat the shit out of Lou Reed with his bass guitar.
[edit] The Wall Live in Berlin
In June 1990, the communist states of Eastern Europe were thrown into turmoil when Waters played a concert in West Berlin in front of the Berlin Wall, for years a symbol of conflict and division between East and West. Tens of thousands of East Berliners turned up in the Potsdamer Platz to watch Waters and a host of fellow music-industry superstars, backed up by the Berlin Philharmonic Orchestra, perform a specially commissioned opera called "The Wall".
The show culminated with the entire band and orchestra smashing through the Berlin Wall with their musical instruments, finally liberating the whole of Eastern Europe from half a century of oppression.
As the newly-freed oppressed masses of East Berlin swarmed through to greet their long-lost West Berliner comrades, they were shocked to discover that the Berlin Wall was actually made of white polystyrene bricks. They quickly realized that the Berlin Wall was a complete hoax and had been built by Waters in 1961 to give him an excuse to perform a self-pitying, over-indulgent rock opera, AND portray himself as a "liberator of oppression".
The people of East Berlin went into uproar, as scores of people had been shot or blown up over the years while trying to climb over the wall or dig tunnels beneath it, when all they'd have needed was a Stanley knife. The crowd demanded that Waters give them their money back, a request which he turned down. However, he did agree to give them pieces of the polystyrene wall to stick on their mantelpieces as a memento.
Also, there was a key-tar. Yeah, you heard me right, a fucking Key-tar. Enough said. It really blew.
[edit] The construction of the Waters' nose
Since he was a wee lad, Roger dreamed of a massive nose, where he can hide things, and keeps things. Especially his collection of basses and kitty huffing equipment (mainly kitties) From 1034 to 1066 the nose construction went badly, unfortunately his cohen collapsed due ot unfortunately poor structural design. The Edge was in charge of the project at the time and was unfortunately kicked off because of his retardedness... It took 4576 years to complete the Nose and now what we see today is the years of hard labour, 356436.6546 midgets died during the construction.
Is also speculated that Waters' nose was created after one of the first takes of "Careful with That Axe, Eugene".
[edit] Glass eye
Roger lost his left eye after a vicious eye gouge from bandmate/arsehole David Gilmour. Fortunately, Roger was able to respond with his patented "vicious pummeling of the groin" maneuver.
At first nobody noticed Roger's new eye, despite his best efforts to draw subtle attention to two of his body parts by releasing the solo album "Glass Eyes and Groins". The album flopped and Roger realised he probably shouldn't have recorded it locked in a small wooden box with only a children's tape recorder.
Years later, Roger was asked to design and model Gucci's new line of glass eyes. He agreed, but on the condition that he should be allowed to play a number of songs from his album. Gucci agreed and so the Roger Waters Glass Eye Line was born. Again, this Get-rich-quick scheme failed and nobody paid attention to his woes.
It is rumored Roger is considering cutting his other eye out with a rusty spoon at Bob Geldof's scheduled Long Live AIDS festival.
[edit] "Wogefied"
In the early 2000's, Dr. Pepper was looking to revamp their products and give them a much needed face lift. So they consulted Roger Waters, and he consented to slapping a picture of himself on every can and starting an ad campaign showing a can of the Roger Waters Dr. Pepper, and then Waters grabbing the can, saying, "Hello. I'm Roger Waters. And this product has been Wogefied!" Waters had originally intended to say "Rogefied", but committed a terrible spoonerism. However, due to the extreme popularity of the ad, the Oxford Dictionary nominated the word "Wogefied" to be admitted into the latest edition, under the definition of "to be made better, more awesome, groovier, screamin', kickin', sexier, or just plain pwned by Roger Waters." It was not accepted, but it was, however, trademarked by Waters himself.
Waters went on to endorse more products, including (but not limited to) Lays Potato Chips, Arizona Green Tea (product of Canada...damn Canadians!!), Guess Jeans, Eddie Bauer, Mac, Herbal Essence, Pops-a-Dent, Miracle Blade 18.925, FUNimation anime DVDs, tasers, walls, animals, crazy diamonds, money, cadavers, Trojan birth control, that damn "Help, I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up!" thing, J.R.R. Tolkien, DNA, RNA, Holyfield's right ear, several Kotex products, and half of Ben Stiller.
Shortly afterword, Waters said one of the most damaging statements of his career: "Yeah, I totally Wogefied Pink Floyd." Let's just say that more than a few people were quite pissed.
[edit] Mooning at the Darkside Tour 2006
Probably the most amazing concert experience since the Floyd itself in the seventies, possibly better in several ways because of Roger's incredible amount of Track 6 (or 5) on Darkside of the Moon which allowed him to create incredible special effects, possess an amazing sound system, hire a top-notch band and make everyone tripping on psychedelics in the audience splooge, shit, and all-around explode in their fuckin' pants.
At the concerts, people both young and old were stoned/frying/drunk off their fucking asses, so the pure genius of the experience would be appreciated a bit more/appreciated more than explainable with words/completely missed and drowned out by idiotic, drunken screaming of innaccurate lyrics.
A beautiful thing, though, to see a fifty year old man and a fifteen year old kid wearing the same shirt and sharing the same joint.
In conclusion, Roger Waters created the ultimate experience for everyone and created THE ultimate experience for everyone on mind-expanding drugs.
Of course, a bunch of nit-picky, douchebag republi-tards were offended by his opinions and the undeniable and wondrous smell of reefer which filled the arena, so they left to rape little boys while pointing out the horrors of gay marriage. All of them did. And what they did, was rape little boys while poitning out the horrors of gay marriage.
And Roger Waters saw it, and it was good.
....not necessarily the little boys being raped, but its also possible that he found that good as well.
Also, he's been shilling for Metamucil. Does the term tub girl mean anything to you?
[edit] Post Mooning Arrest Record
[edit] The Death and Resurrection of Roger Waters
Roger, Fresh out of rehab, Went out on a sunny Friday afternoon to eat some pie. When he was sitting there, Eating his pie, He spotted his former bandmate Nick Mason He quickly went up to him and massaged his neck, Which Nick was very disturbed by. Still, He invited Roger to dinner. Roger agreed to come, But only if there was Whisky at the table. The following Tuesday, Roger arrived to Nicks dinner. After the dinner, Roger decided to take a nap on Nicks couch. During his nap, The former Pink Floyd drummer wanted revenge for the Neck rubbing incident, And put a pillow on Rogers face. Nick held he pillow over his face until Roger had stopped breathing. Ambulance rushed to the scene and tried for 5 hours to revive him. Finally an older, more experianced, doctor arrived and was just about to start reviving Roger, but then he saw his face. The doctor screamed and said "Let him be, he's suffered enough" That Tuesday evening, on June 13th, Roger Waters was declared dead.
[edit] Fans Response
...
[edit] The Return
Roger body was sold to a hospital in west virginia for medical researches. Now, people will finally know the truth behind Rogers medical statemant. It turned out that Roger was suffering from Herpes, AIDS and a strange case of flu. The body was left in a ditch somewhere and no one saw it again. Until... Wait for it... August 47th 2008, When the body was found by a group of pot smoking youths who tried to use his nose as a bong. It was unsuccesful, But that tiny bit of weed was all that was needed to wake up Roger from his half dead state. Apparently, Being killed, Left in a ditch and then being filled with drugs heals AIDS. But Roger never got rid of that flu.
[edit] Comeback Tour
Two weeks later, Roger bagan his 35 year comeback tour. It has since then made no money and has only been seen by people Roger forced to come under gunthreat. Still, The tour continues.
[edit] Fun Fact
- Waters' full name anagrams into 'Rawest Roger' and 'Wage Terrors'. Both seem to be pretty true when people are talking about royalties, and he's nearby.
- Waters has always had a genuine hatred of fireworks. More than he hates black people.
