Rolf Harris
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Rolf Harris, not to be mistaken for ROFL Harris or Rolf, the notorious London east end crime lord and a lookalike for Col. Sanders, and the wobbleboard player for Pearl Jam.
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[edit] Early life
Rolf Harris was born in a swimming pool in Australia (though it was rumoured he was actually born in a Kangaroo's pouch, hence his nickname "Rolfaroo"). Although some may say he woz sent by satan to rule the world (and KFC for that matter) He was initially Christened Jake Peg, (adding "the" later on as an adult). He was a three legged former waltz champion, but his distant cousin Colonel Sanders, (himself a look-a-like of Rolf), was infuriated with this as it was scary for children seeing a picture of Rolf on several KFC Advertisments. He paid for his leg to be removed, and it was then used, in theory, for the 2nd line of the Swastika on the Nazi flag.
[edit] Recent years
Once the ruler of Egypt, this psychotic maniac now appears regularly on television, hypnotizing those foolish enough to watch with his mind-bogglingly insane pieces of art. He then takes those hypnotized by his spells back to his evil lair (which is, in reality, his shed) and kills them quickly and painlessly. Nobody is quite sure why he does this; it would seem as though the great king has finally snapped. But as long as it makes him happy, no one is that bothered.
Harris is known well to British TV viewers as the presenter of Animal Hospital, documenting the activity of a veterinary practice. Rolf lends a helping hand killing off happy little puppies, snapping ducks' legs, huffing chickens, and breaking tragic news to small children in overfull-joyful song and dance.
He has also started working part time in Castle Park, in Colchester, where he is known to spend most of his time preventing children from succeeding in their attempts to capture the elusive chicken duck (though Rolf calls it a Mandarin Duck) hah
he also took part in a charlie chaplin look alike contest and won 4th place.
[edit] Inventor and celebrity
In 1978, Rolf's like of animals and chickens led him to be snapped up by KFC as their company logo -- something which, to this day, he still denies.
Rolf is also the famed inventor of the "Wobble Board", a useless instrument that Tom Cruise is believed to have mastered. "Wobble Board's" are said to be made of melted down copies of unsold "The Best Of Rolf Harris" CD's.
He is also the inventor of Jell-o, first used as an edible substance, and then as a substance that killed small furry creatures.
His hobbies include playing the didgeridoo and dancing with his third leg. He also loves tickling witchiti grubs and researching about who built ayers rock.
Alleged acts of Bestiality after his hit single, "Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport" followed after the working title to the song was leaked as Bestiality's Best, Boys. (Shagawallaby). Notable verses included "Put your spunk in a skunk," and "Intercourse with a Horse."
He spends his nights tying kangaroos down for sport with his extra leg and two little boys from the stairway of heaven.
Rofl Harris also invented the dildoridoo which is a hybrid of the dildo and the didgeridoo. It creates bowel shaking vibrations. When he first showed this monumental instrument to a prominent female Australian politician, bystanders were astonished to hear him utter those immortal words, "Can you guess what it is yet?"
He was last seen practicing dentistry in Canada.
The creator of Star Wars, George Lucas, hired Rolf on several occasions as a stunt double for himself in case of any suicidal fans of the trilogy. The only things the fans didn't understand was the extra leg and the Australian accent, but that was quickly dismissed as a costume design that didn't quite make the movie but would have replaced Chewbacca.
He is currently being hunted down after he killed 76 people due to wobble boarding while high after a 48 hour acid and crack binge.
[edit] Rolf Harris: The Conspiracy
| This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory, which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence of. The black helicopters are not ^on their way. |
It is widely believed by Animal Hospital viewers that Rofl Harris is actually an amazing robot sent back in time by super-intelligent rodents created by Daniel Snow from the future, in order to keep their furry species' alive. This may also be false.
“I will exterminate”
~ robot Rofl Harris on his Dalek impression
[edit] Rolf and Terrorism
On September 3rd 2003, Rolf Made a Goatist outburst on Animal Hospital, the public outcry led to the formation of the Goats Liberation Front by local drunk aristocrat Sir Ramix. Since then Rolf has become the target of various terrorist attacks, with only his didgeridoo for protection the future looks bleak.
