Roller coaster

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The proposed design for the Hull, Massachusetts (pop. 11,500) inner-city roller coaster rail system.

“Meh”

~ Peter Griffin on the effects of negative G-force

By pure definition, a roller coaster is anything that may seem rebellious or appear dangerous when in fact, it's perfectly safe for family fun as long as you're over the height of 48 inches. Using this definition, it can be determined that Linkin Park is the typical example of a roller coaster.

Society's definition of the roller coaster is that it is a form of mass-transit system for small- and medium-sized cities. In principle, it is similar to a bus or monorail, in that passengers pay a small fee to board and be transported elsewhere. With roller coasters, however, passengers are also sent through double-backwards corkscrews, 85-degree death drops, underground tunnel plunges, and triple-twistback loops, often at speeds of over 100 miles an hour and with G-forces approaching space shuttle launch (or crash) levels. Many cities are reconsidering the installation of coasters, due to the number of heart attacks, pregnant woman injuries, and scalding-hot-coffee-spill disfigurations, but they're just pussing out.

Roller coasters are also located in theme parks like Disneyland, Six Flags over Somewhere Really Flat and Boring, Fantazyland, Disneyland 2, Duff Gardens, Vekomaland, The Pleasure Dump and Grue Park. The majority of them are made out of steel, and given names like "Smegma" or "Mind Eraser" or "Deathmachine" or "That thing over there". People love to ride them, for the simple reason that prostitution was made illegal. They tend to generate long lines and vomit.

Roller coasters provide near death experience without actually dying. To achieve this the engineering team spend several minutes doing stress and strain graphs to ensure the safety of the riders depends on just one bolt. Statistically, roller coasters are very safe. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission estimates that 134 park guests required hospitalization per day,and it is considered more dangerous driving to a theme park than riding coasters, especially if you travel in a French car.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Roller coaster.

[edit] Roller Coasters in the United Kingdom

A revolutionary idea to capture the thrills and excitement of the first roller coasters from the time before wheels were invented, has been embraced by Thorpe Park in Staines, London where they removed all the bearings from the wheels on a coaster named Colossus to give it that rough, poorly maintained feel. Its a big hit with the residences in the UK as they don't know any better.

[edit] Examples of Roller Coasters

Park chains are always thinking up creative names for new rides, to encourage people to visit and ride them. Different park chains have different methods of naming their rides. Six Flags parks, for example, usually have ride names that contain a superhero name and one of more of the words 'escape', 'flight', 'ultimate', 'ride', and 'knight'. Disney coasters must be named after a mountain, and Cedar Fair rides names tend to end in "Hawk" or be very generic, with names like "Crypt", "Flight Deck" or "Station".

Different park chains also have different ways of theming their rides. Disney, for example, likes to have really expensive theming that most people do not notice, while Six Flags parks are happy with dropping the ride into a parking lot. Cedar Fair, however, themes their rides by placing many trash cans around the ride and in the station.

[edit] Mechanics

Roller Coaster at Six Flags

Being unpowered, the coaster needs some way to get up the first hill, assuming it has not eaten beans recently. The lift hill accomplishes this. It is simply a hill with a chain or rope that hooks onto the train and pulls it up the hill. In the South, lift hills can also be powered by a bunch of people pulling on a rope. Instead of using a lift hill, some coasters launch with the use of beans, linear induction motors, water, or hydraulics. Hydraulic launch coasters (like Kingda Karp at Six Flags Crate Adventure) launches the train at a high-speed in order to climb a giant penis. These rides often break down due to malnourishment of beans and the number of Jews in line. A roller coaster will continue to run until it breaks. This is the purpose of a brake run. On some rides, the brake run is the best part of the ride, when decelerating from 100mph to zero in a fraction of a second.

Space Mountain operates without a blocking system.

[edit] Blocking

Blocking is a system that reduces the length of queues of people wanting to ride. Blocking refers to a ride operator blocking the entrance to the queue, preventing people from riding. He will take a load of verbal abuse and if he's lucky to survive the day will go home with £2.50, at the end of the week, for his family. Block Brakes refer to when the operator needs to take a lunch break and another operator has to cover the duty.

[edit] History

The idea of a roller coaster started out when cavemen discovered that they could get a thrill by riding on dinosaurs. A recreation of this ride still exists in the Jurassic Park section at Universal Studios. When the dinosaurs became extinct, cavemen consulted Arrow Dynamics, who then built the first real roller coaster. It consisted of a large drop down the hillside into a small loop. It was then that the concept of whiplash was invented, and this is still used today.

Roller coasters are very safe, as Fabio demonstrates

[edit] Alternative Theory

The roller coaster was invented on February 31st 1885 by John Roller Coaster,A rail road engineer from England.Some historians have suggested the French invented the Coaster,this was quickly dismissed as no one really likes the French. The idea for a multi-axis transport system was conceived after John had another uneventful trip to work on a steam train,thus the roller coaster was born. John set to work incorporating his ideas into the rail link to Waterloo station England he was designing. Unfortunately the general public didn't believe the human body could handle the gravitation forces and many boycotted the new section of railroad track,that and the fact people didn't want to do a 360 degree inverted loop pulling 5.6Gs at 6am while trying to drink coffee. Many people were injured during the riding of the new coaster track due to inadequate safety belts on steam trains,but all was not lost,Alton Towers bought the track for its new theme park and renamed it The Corkscrew

As engineering progressed through the early 1900's so did roller coaster design,and soon tall wooden structures appeared all around the world. Coaster fans started to notice exciting trouser movement occur during riding these thrilling rides so this type of coaster was nicknamed The Woody

Most large roller coasters have the ability to run two or more trains at once, This of course is an improvement on the original design taken from Southwest Trains who to this day still have difficulties running a multi train rail network.

[edit] Safety

People ride roller coasters because they are dangerous, yes they want to die. Roller coasters are often known as the suicidal ride. There are safety systems to give the illusion of safety. All the components of a coaster are controlled by a PLC (Pretty Large Computer) running Windows RG. If the PLC has a problem, the ride breaks down, and the operator needs to restart the ride (usually by hitting Control-Alt-Delete). Other controls that ride operators have include "Stall in loop", "Release restraints", and "Jump track". Safely signs are near then entrance to every coaster stating if you are drunk, high on kittens or are too short, to bypass the experience of riding on the roller coaster. This is the main reason there are no theme parks in Scotland.

Wooden coasters are engineered to precise specifications. This coaster ran almost flawlessly until it collapsed in late 2006.

[edit] Types of coasters

There are three types of roller coasters: Wood, Steel, and Plastic.

• Wooden roller coasters are really old, and will probably fall apart. They don't normally have loops, but the general public is not aware of this. One notable exception is Son of Son of Beast the Zoominator. Types of wood include Popsicle sticks, Lincoln Logs, and Douglas Fir. The world's longest wooden roller coaster, the Beast, is currently being eaten by the world's longest termites.
• Steel These coasters tend to go upside down or be really big.
• Plastic coasters were developed by CCI in 1492, and are regarded as the worst ever built. All of them were blown up when CCI died. Plastic coasters have recently been revived by Knex.

[edit] Rider Experience

• Stand-up - A stand-up coaster is one that actually stands up. Unfortunately, the seating makes it difficult for males to ride comfortably.
• Inverted - Inverted coasters complete the course with the trains dangling along in full view. They tend to decapitate stupid people. DO NOT LET ONE STRIP.
• Floorless - Floorless coasters have no floor. They are sometimes built over water or in outer space where a floor is not necessary. Not to be confused with flawless (perfect) coasters.
• Pipeline - A pipeline coaster is like Space Mountain on a log flume with the exception that you go through a very small drainpipe, and into the sewer. The ride is built in a sewer system complete with foul smelling water. Not to be confused with Wild Mouse roller coasters.
• Hyper - A hyper coaster is big, tall, non-looping, and forgot to take Ritalin this morning. Do not provoke it.
• Liquid - The first Water Coaster opened at Six Flags New Orleans in 2005. Since then, designers have designed coasters that use other types of liquid, including beer and urine.
• Flawless - The only coaster type so perfect it was considered flawless. Also known as El Toro.

[edit] Height Specific

Some coasters are categorized by their height.

• Hypocoaster - Any coaster that is less than 2 feet tall
• Hypercoaster - A coaster that is more than 200 feet tall
• Megacoaster - Any coaster that is more than 200 feet tall
• Gigacoaster - Any coaster more than 300 feet tall
• Stratacoaster - Any coaster more than 400 feet tall
• Terracoaster - Any coaster more than 500 feet tall

[edit] Hypercoasters

The Americans, always wanting to go bigger and faster, invented the hypercoaster. The first of its kind The Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio reached 1.26566 vertical miles and a launch speed of 0-Mach 2 in 2.6 seconds. This started a race to see who could make a faster, higher ride. Not being out done by the yanks, Thorpe Park in Staines, England started constructing a world record beater, unfortunately they employed aerospace engineers to design and construct the ride. 20 years later at the grand opening of Stealth, a small child pointed out to the excited theme park owners that in fact it was the smallest and slowest hyper coaster in the world as the highly trained engineers had mis-read the scale and constructed a 46m high ride instead of a 4.6mile high ride. Stealth can still be seen being repaired on a daily basis from the M25 with a powerful telescope.

[edit] Track Design

• Bobsled roller coaster - A roller coaster made of ice, comes in many different fruity flavors! ^{[details needed]}
• Racing Coaster - A roller coaster that has two parallel track runs in which two trains run side by side and appear to be racing, though this is only an illusion. Many injuries have occurred as a result of riders attempting to slap riders in the other train.
• Dueling roller coaster - An offbeat version of a racing coaster, but this one is designed the the trains pass each other in a head-on configuration. Riders tend to get injured by the collisions between the two rides.
• Figure 8 roller coaster - Track follows a figure 8 pattern, which led to the inspiration of the "Figure 69 Coaster"
• Moebius Roller coaster - A roller coaster, which when cut in half becomes twice as long. [2]
• Out and Back roller coaster - The train goes out, turns around and comes back to the station. Typical of older style Camel-Hump style coasters (though many riders state that they never got to hump a camel while riding them), but they can also be steel.
• Double Out and Back - Two out and back coasters joined together.
• Triple Out and Back - Three out and back coasters joined together.
• Shuttle roller coaster - A roller coaster that doesn't have a complete track, allowing the train to fly off if it is launched too fast
• Side friction roller coaster - A roller coaster that does not have wheels
• Spinning roller coaster - A roller coaster that is mounted on a slowly revolving platform, similar in principle to a revolving restaurant.
• Suspended roller coaster - A coaster that screwed up too many times. If it does one more bad thing, it will be expelled.
• Twister roller coaster - A roller coaster after a tornado hits it
• Wild Mouse roller coaster - A roller coaster that is themed to rodents
• Corkscrew roller coaster - A roller coaster that opens wine bottles.
• Waterwing roller coaster - A coaster that is learning to swim. Not to be confused with Aquatrax.

[edit] Manufacturers

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Arrow Dynamics.

[edit] Arrow Dynamics

Instead of using complicated mathematics and expensive computers, Arrow rides are designed using coathangers.

Arrow invented the roller coaster. Their arsenal includes such amazing rides like Screw Coaster at Nara Dreamland, Matterhorn, and RC Cola Big One (innovative in that it was the world's first soft drink themed coaster.) Arrow was also innovative in that it used coathangers to design track layouts. Arrow also invented the concept of headbanging, and has licensed the technology to TOGO and Vekoma. Unable to keep up with competition from Vekoma, Arrow declared bankruptcy and was later bought out by the Splinters & Steel (S&S) company. Before the bankruptcy, Arrow went out with a "blow" out by introducing XXX [3], the worlds first 69th Dimensional Roller Coaster.

[edit] Bolliger and Mabillard

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bolliger and Mabillard.

B&M started out in the monorail business, and this is reflected in their design. Rides include Batman - The Water Ride at Six Flags New Orleans and Scam at Six Flags Magic Mountain (notorious for its amazing parking lot theming)[4]. B&M divorced from Intamin AG (we are not sure why, but it might have to do with loss of sex) in 1984 and went on to one-up Intamin farting coasters with B&M roaring coasters. Some of their coasters have their mouths stuffed full of sand to keep them from roaring. Almost all B&M coasters seat four people in each row, so that the train looks shorter.

[edit] Custom Coasters International

CCI doesn't exist anymore. CCI was one of the greatest wooden coaster design firms on Earth. They designed greats such as Tremors at Silver Woodie Theme Park and Boulder Dash at Lake Comcast. However, they did build shitty coasters as well. However, this is the park's fault, not CCI's (see: GhostRider @ Knott's Cherry Pop Fail).

[edit] Giovanola

Giovanola takes advantage of B&M's lack of copyright laws. In order to give their layers evidence that they didn't actually copy B&M, they put little steel poles on the track that work as pointless ladders. Also they copy Intamin's trains.

[edit] Gravity Group

These people came from CCI and started building woodies again. While GCI makes rides that look twisted and badass, GG makes rides that are badass. A few tricks they do: 90 degree banking, turns banked the wrong way, hills that are designed to crush your nuts into the restraints, and something else that wasn't that important, otherwise I would have remembered it.

[edit] Great Coasters International

Great Coasters International (GCI) left CCI in 1997. For possible reason, see Sex, loss of. Anyway, they started creating wooden coasters by a proprietary technique, which makes the rides look like a tornado hit them. GCI also invented the Millennium Flyer trains, although they don't actually fly.

[edit] Intamin

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Intamin AG.

Balder is a good example of a farting coaster

Intamin rides kill innocent birds too!

Intamin rides kill people. They are dangerous (especially when the restraints fail due to the rider being "of exceptional size") and therefore people flock to ride them. Intamin was innovative in creating their unique farting wooden coasters and creating the Top Thrill Phallus rocket coaster. Intamin's roller coasters all carry the Intamin Curse, which makes them brake down from a week to two months every two months. Disney Intamins are an exception to this curse, since they are boring, have no new technology and are run by Nazis. Intamin is also the catalyst to stupid Intamin vs. B&M threads on coaster forums that go nowhere real fast after the 5th post.

[edit] Pinfari

Pinfari was a manufacturer that put out many Zyklon rides.^{[Citation not needed at all, thank you very much]}

[edit] Schwarzkopf

Schwarzkopf rides have lots of loops and simple restraints. As a result, people tend to fall out and Schwarzkopf rides are no longer being built. Schwarzkopf also builds portable roller coasters. Some are so portable that people have managed to smuggle them onto planes. Notable portable coasters include Viper, King Kobra, Slitherin', and Ripper, which leaves riders with ripped underpants after disembarking. Schwarzkopf no longer makes roller coasters, instead concentrating on the hair product business, though their presence is still seen on large billboards at numerous Six Flags parks.

[edit] S&S Power

S&S took over Arrow after making a deal with Arrow stating they would make rides with amazing potential, however only make one every 15 years. They apply Arrows revolutionary breaking system on all their coasters, such as Hypersonic XLC's notorious break run, infamous for being a quiet, smooth and graceful ending to a ride lasting almost a whole 2.3 seconds! S&S also revolutionized ride capacity on Hypersonic, ensuring quick lines and customer satisfaction. Currently S&S is working on the fastest roller coaster ever in some tiny amusement park in Germany no one has ever heard of.

[edit] TOGO

In return for dropping the atomic bomb, Japan burst onto the scene with TOGO. Their Manhattan Express is highly regarded among roller coaster enthusiasts. They are notable for creating wooden coasters out of chopsticks. In Japan, TOGO rides are smooth as glass. In America, they are smooth as broken glass.

[edit] Vekoma

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Vekoma.

A Vekoma roller coaster

Vekoma produces smooth running unique rides such as the Boomerang, Boomerang - Coast to Coaster, Le Boomerang and Zoomerang. Perhaps their most innovative creation is the "box coaster"[5] (see right). Vekoma is also notorious for about 2,000,000 rides called SLCs (Sudden Loss of Consciousness), which are all actually the same ride, but are named differently to confuse the small-town hicks which these rides are built for.

[edit] Parts of a Coaster

• The First Drop - The first drop usually occurs right after the lift hill and is where the train gathers speed and converts potential energy (in the form of donuts) into kinetic energy. The first drop is usually the biggest. The more ACE (American Coaster Enthusiasts) members on the train, the more potential energy is available.
• Hills - A hill is a piece of track that goes up, then down. Even bigger hills are called mountains, and some coasters even have valleys too. It usually delivers airtime, which is defined as "time you are in the air." It is a common element on coasters, except most riders are unaware of it because they are too busy bashing their heads on the restraint.
• Loop - A piece of track that goes upside down. It is also known by the General Public as a "loop dee loop." This is derogatory and if anyone near you says "loop dee loop", please hit them. If a coaster gets stuck, it's usually in the loop and everyone falls out.
• Corkscrew - A smaller loop that looks like a corkscrew if you are high. It is also the name of an Arrow design featuring two of them. A good example of a corkscrew is Screw Coaster
• Boomerang - A wacko loop that looks like a loop and a corkscrew or an inverse cobra roll. A Boomerang is also a type of coaster that goes backwards and forwards (as it does not have enough kinetic energy to complete the course), leaving the riders stranded upside-down.
• Cobra Roll - Looks like a cobra if you are drunk. It was invented by Oscar Wilde. Some people mistake them for Boomerangs
• Batwing - First found on Batman - The Ride (hence the name), the Batwing is similar to a Boomerang element
• Incline Loop - A loop that is too drunk to stand up straight. First invented when engineers at Arrow tried to build a regular loop and it tipped over.
• Helix - A loop that is having a nap. According to Six Flags, any ride with a helix is, in fact, a looping coaster. Also invented by Arrow, who made an engineering error when attempting to build an incline loop.
• In-line twist - The track rolls over while going in a straight line. Much like a dog, however the roller coaster doesn't get a treat.
• Zero-G Roll - What happens if a hill and a loop mate. Invented by astronauts in 1969. See also Shuttle roller coaster
• Barrel Roll - The train, upon entering this element, turns into a keg of beer, rolls over once, and then turns back into a train, hence the name. They usually don't do this anymore because treats were not forthcoming.
• Bowtie - This element was created by French scientists who thought this resembled a bow tie, and is today only used by Arrow to attract ACE members, as it actually resembles a pretzel.
• Killermatic (of) 3000 - This attachment is only some special rollercoasters and has had special appearances on TV in When Rollercoasters Attack, When Magicians Don't Escape From The Track On Time and might have been the cause of the famous 'Joseph 'Crashstarter' Henshaw's Crashermatic with new Killermatic (of) 3000 for added death'.

[edit] Coaster Enthusiasts

Coaster Enthusiasts are often associated with furries

Some people are crazy enough to actually enjoy roller coasters. These people are called roller coaster enthusiasts, or Dainan Rafferty fanboys. All roller coaster enthusiasts are male, gay and fat. One such group of these people is the American Coaster Enthusiasts. Not only do they love coasters, but they also love gravy and all-you-can-eat buffets, though their ultimate fantasy is a gravy buffet. ACE Members are also known to suffer from prolonged periods of virginity, oftentimes extending into their 40's or 50's. Some speculate this phenomenon is a result of the fanny packs that typically adorn their crotch-regions, effectively blocking any sexual advances that may *miraculously* occur. Famous enthusiasts include Buddha, Fabio, Aerosmith, the Red Hot Chili Peppers and Led Zepplin.

Andy Hine, the chairman of the Roller Coaster Club of Great Britain, greets his fellow enthusiasts with the Roller Coaster Handshake.

[edit] The Credit System

For the weathered coaster enthusiast, his or her coaster count is a virtual extension of their penis. The larger the coaster count, the more vehement their online dick

For coaster enthusiasts, every roller coaster counts as "credit". Even clones. Roller coaster enthusiasts count their credits in precise excel documents. It is not uncommon for enthusiasts to fly halfway around the world to ride a new kiddie coaster, only to be denied riding because he was too fat.

[edit] Coaster Enthusiast Online Community

If you see this man, run, he likes little boys in his "Special Boys Folder"

If you find yourself on a roller coaster enthusiast forum, you will notice a few important details. The first is that the majority of posts consist of virulent bitching about certain park chains and/or roller coasters (see: RCpro.com) The second is that a startling number of coaster enthusiasts are creepy as hell. In fact, several descend from long lines of child molesters, naturally being drawn to venues where children of all shapes and sizes congregate in hopes of merriment. If you choose to be in the company of such enthusiasts, be warned: your anus is at extreme risk of penetration. One can easily repel such creepy enthusiasts by simply reaching your 18th birthday, at which time they usually lose total interest. Beware of the Man at Right, he will steal your childhood. He will also eat your babies, and if you don't have babies it is because he ate them (but not before raping their tiny buttholes), and he also likes porn, and coaster butt rape.

It is also known for most coaster enthusiasts to be part Jewish in some way. From being full Jewish to having a Jew in your family twice removed to the third power of X2 from Six Flags Magic Mountain. So yes, you're a Jew.