Rolling Stone
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“It's on its way out. On its meticulous, tediously slow crawl out. But out nonetheless!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Rolling Stone Magazine
Rolling Stone is a magazine dedicated to the medical study of kidneys, created and sponsored by the Coca-Cola Company in the year 0. Though it maintains its original theme of kidney exploration, it now features editorials about politics, religion, video games, drugs, smelly animals, quantum physics, sadism, and most recently, music.
Contents |
[edit] History
During its early periods, it was used mainly so it could actually be read. Most current "readers" of the magazine only cut the pictures of hot bitches and use the rest as toilet paper. Thus, it mostly circulates bathrooms in Russia, where new toilet paper is highly valued for its street value.
[edit] Early issues
After the evolution of the kidney during the 1970s B.C., researchers found it as a fascinating product of WMD production (then known as NBC). The kidney was also able to produce a stone known as kryptonite, which was used as a weapon against superheroes, such as Pepsi or whoever the hell is fingering Lex Luthor's ass.
[edit] Contemporary issues
The magazine quickly got boring, so in an attempt to improve the magazine, the magazine began to feature other articles. In 1066, Rolling Stone began incorporating articles about sadism and torture. The sadism article of Ashlee Simpson's Autofellatio increased its number of readers by 902344028%, particularly in Spain where the Autofellatio album was used as a form of torture during the Spanish Inquisition. However, it faced some criticism by music listeners where they found the sadism articles to punishing. Rolling Stone editors pussed out and began to reviewing non-torturous (but crappy nevertheless) music. Sales plunged.
[edit] Crusading against Rock
The Rolling Stone is important as it is the biggest fighter against everything which is beautiful in Rock music. It advises its readers that all of their favorite albums are, infact, garbage. In 1992, the Rolling Stone advertised its world famous Stop This Roll campaign, which educated people that Rock and Roll is, infact, dead, after it was successfullt assassinated by an unknown staff member of the journal.
[edit] Crusading against Art
According to a review of Frank Zappa's Waka/Jawaka in Rolling Stone magazine, "originality has never been Zappa's strong point."
[edit] Format
Since most of the editors were either drinking cocaine or huffing kittens, the editors invented weird unheard of shit (circa 223) and other stuff.
[edit] Rating system
In the interests of mathematics Rolling Stone began incorporating a new numerical system in which numbers represent favorableness in the year 409. Later in the year 964, editors could not decide between two numbers, so they began splicing their numbers by halves.
Rating system:
- 1: Pile of shit. Buy this since we don't give a rat's ass about it selling out.
- 2: Rimjob quality.
- 3: Mildly okay.
- 4: Holy shit! This crap is great. Do not buy it.
- 5: Bigger pile of shit. Oooohhh! Look at you, Mr. Trendy! Try joining the trend of fucking yourself.
[edit] Famous subscribers
- Saddam Hussein
- George W. Bush (mainly uses it for picture coloring)
- Your mom
