Ron Paul
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| Emperor of the United States | |||
 Official Monticello Portrait of Ron Paul | |||
| Appointed: | 1991, by Ronald Reagan | ||
|---|---|---|---|
| Political Party: | Republican | ||
| Religion: | Paulitics | ||
| Spouse: | Empress Carol Paul | ||
| Education: | Apprenticeship in Lobotomy. | ||
| Level: | 32 fire mage | ||
“Freedom freedom freedom states rights. Rights freedom freedom eliminate taxesâ€
- ~ Ron Paul on fixing America
“Nine eleven nine eleven nine eleven mayor of New York City, terrorism!â€
- ~ Rudy Giuliani on errors found in Ron Paul's statements about fixing America
“Digg, Reddit, Blogs, Media Conspiracy, CFR, States' Rights, No IRS! Vote for Ron Paul or we'll kill your dog!â€
- ~ Ron Paul Supporters on Ron Paul in 2008
“Unfiltered capitalism worked in the 19th century, why not try it again?â€
- ~ Ron Paul on Ron Paul
Doctor Ronald Earnest Paul I, Emperor (born 1935 in Freedom, Pennsylvania) is a Republican, former child lobotomist, and current Emperor Of The United States, bidding for an additional position as United States President in the interest of creating freedom and rationing it to states. He is also the leader of the Paulites, members of the internet religious movement - centered at Digg and Reddit - and privately-owned health practice of Paulitics.
Paul has been described by fellow politicians and several news agencies as "daft", "staunch conservative and nutbag", and "a stiff who thinks that the constitution should be taken literally". Unlike every-last-one-without-exception of his fellow Republican candidates, he opposes an interventionist foreign policy, claiming that we need to intervene in domestic issues instead of fixing ones in other countries. He supports withdrawing from South Korea and the United Nations, claiming that they are pussies and that the United States has better things to do than play with international clubhouses and Starcraft. Other positions include corporate control of the internet, removal of gun control and safety, removal of currency in favor of the barter system, ending taxes to increase government revenue, opposing shooting drug dealers, and supporting the rights of foetuses and cancer under the guise of states' rights. A controversial issue is his stance on evolution, believing that it's too intelligently designed to exist.
Throughout his 2008 presidential campaign, he has consistently been a leader in online polls, claiming the little people as the secret to his success. Paul has failed to place better than second in any primary, however, blaming the lack of cookies in electronic voting machines.
Supporters of Ron Paul have been known to set up "Money Bombs" on famous historical dates, causing severe burns and even permanent disfigurement to bystanders due to Paulite preference for gold coins. On December 16th, 2007, the largest of these money bombs was planted, made with over $6 million worth of gold and platinum ingots which was dropped from a blimp on Disney World, disfiguring several thousand small children in the Magic Kingdom as well as their parents and workers, creating the largest hard currency election accident in 2008, topping the previous petrol bombing by Rudi Giuliani in his campaign resulting in the deaths of nine hundred eleven people in the Manhattan area. Due to these stunts, polls have started to make significant ground, placing Paul just above Frank Luntz and below Alex Jones in recognition with the American people (Paris Hilton is currently at #1, Britney Spears at #3, Hillary Clinton at #66, Bill O'Reilly at #68 (in the No Spin Zone of this list where circular logic is made square), Rudi Giuliani #91, and Alex Jones is undefined).
Contents |
Early Life and Education
Ron Paul was born in Freedom, Pennsylvania, in 1935 at the height of the great depression. Because of this, Ron Paul would never go to a formal school. His father, a certified Victorian brain surgeon, thus taught Ron Paul to use ice picks to cut pieces out of the brain of a negro at the age of three, and would continue this profession for several years, performing it on mockingbirds, live audiences, and even several teachers. However, at the age of twelve, after an incident involving an ice pick and his cat, he would stop his performances.
At the age of fourteen, Ron Paul would also develop an interest in politics after reading Edward Bernays's book Propaganda. Believing that lobotomy provided superior performance to the preferred techniques of psychoanalysis or electroshock therapy at the time, he would begin to use his ice picks once again, creating the first followers of Paulitics.
Ten years later he would be performing these surgeries on overactive children on behalf of disheveled parents on the bed of his Ford truck. He is rumored to have over 5,000 lobotomies under his belt during this time. His profession led him to his future wife Carol, and soon the two were married with children. This experience in lobotomy also explains his views against abortion: lobotomy can always be used a few weeks after birth if the mother needs to rush it, and a good worker made instead of preventing one from existing.
Ron Paul has a brothersister RuPaul, who went into show business, and was adopted by his parents, and was one of the negros that Ron Paul used an ice pick to perform a lobotomy on during his early years.
His two brothers, John Paul and John Paul II, (J²P²) had a successful career in Popeing until they died.
Career in Military and Politics
Military
During the turmoil of the sixties, Ron Paul was drafted in the army, where he served as a neurosurgeon for the military, cutting out pieces of brain on the back of helicopters while his patients slowly bled to death from injuries received in combat. He never had any formal training in removing bullets, bandaging wounds, or other important activities in the field, deeming them unnecessary, as after their surgeries they wouldn't feel anything anyways. Surprisingly, few patients ever died during his service in the helicopter, and by the end of his service he attained the rank of private. The experiences he had in the helicopter deeply affected Paul, who was inspired to do twice the lobotomies he performed before, experimenting with the effects of metal plates.
Politics
As lobotomy rates decreased in favor of more sane treatments, Paul would turn to his passion for politics to keep him afloat. In the sixties and seventies, he would manage the campaign for former Minnesota governor Harold Stassen, successfully elected failure, although he claimed to be running for the office of President. He also managed the campaign for Barry Goldwater. During this time he continued to occasionally perform lobotomies on patients, most notably, George Wallace and Lyndon Johnson.
As a Congressman
At the age of forty he would retire entirely from lobotomy, and focus solely on politics, settling with his wife in Texas, after being inspired by a speech by Richard Nixon. There, he became a representative winning in a landslide victory twice, after the opposing candidates mysteriously died in aircraft crashes. Seeing the err of his country, he set out to fix what he could in the House. All of his proposals, including a ban on abortion except in the case of lobotomy, at that point had failed. He did, however, gain a reputation as an honest candidate during this period, allowing for election several times.
As Emperor
After the collapse of the Soviet Union, Ronald Reagan officially retired as emperor seeing one of America's external threat's neutralized, handing over the throne to Ron Paul to return the favor of lobotomizing German Head of State Erich Honeker in order to convince him to tear down the Berlin Wall.
During his reign, he allowed President Bill Clinton to stay in office despite his impeachment, and, in an military funded attempt at control of African Americans and middle class white suburban teenagers, accidentally helped in the creation of Gangsta Rap. Similar studies allowed for his popularity on the internet as a presidential candidate.
During the 90s, Emperor Paul collaborated with the military to discover the effects of ramming an aircraft into a building. The data from the experiment was later used by George W. Bush for his model airplane and building kits to allow for bright, shiny explosions. This also prompted the evacuation of the White House on September 11th, 2001, when a completely unrelated freak accident caused the collapse of two buildings and damage to the Pentagon. The cause of this accident is speculated to be a magnetic force caused by Vice President Dick Cheney's pacemaker when coming in contact with underground stations within NORAD. Paul did not condemn the attacks, instead saying that it was their freedom to do so, but they should have obtained proper permits as stated in New York law concerning organized terrorist attacks.
After the ratification of the Patriot Act, the constitution was declared dead on arrival. Ron Paul, being one of the few doctors in the House, immediately went to the National Records administration to attempt resuscitation. All techniques, including a defibrillator, CPR, and cutting out sections with large words, all failed to resuscitate it. As a result, the constitution is currently cryogenically frozen in hopes of a future candidate being able to restore it.
Despite doing these things, Emperor Paul for the most part had did what amounted to absolutely nothing with his unlimited power, instead using it to play golf and attend his favorite restaurant.
Emperor Paul founded Star Fleet in 2012 when his Empire had discovered Warp Drive. Emperor Paul went on to lead Star Fleet into expanding into space beyond the neutral zone. Then The Borg found Star Fleet and started to attack. Emperor Paul said that it was our fault that the Borg attacked, that we had not stayed true to the Prime Directive, and that we need to pull our star bases out of the neutral zone and only defend Earth, Vulcan and other planets like Alpha Centauri are out of luck. Other than that, he defended the Constitution and supported States Rights, and did a great job.
2008 Presidential Bid
In an attempt to increase his already unlimited powers, Ron Paul is currently attempting a run for the position of President of the United States. Paul has had much support over the internet for his campaign from both scripted bots and former patients all over the world. Ron Paul's sizable legion of college student supporters has led many to believe that the Ron Paul organization has utilized such menacing tactics as mind-control and subliminal advertising to attract such a large youth demographic, while others are quick to point out that most college students are pretty fucking stupid to begin with. His wife has poured much of the profits from her lucrative Mrs. Paul's Fish Sticks empire into Mr. Paul's candidacy, and forced contributions from the Tartar Sauce cartel and international support from the French Fry League.
A typical Ron Paul supporter:
Money Bombs
The most famous aspect of his campaign are his supporter's money bombs, planted at the opposition's campaign events. Untrustable with real money and paranoid of the banking system, the primary material used as the money in these explosives are solid gold coins. The biggest of the money bombs was constructed in a single day on December 16, 2007 on the anniversary of the Boston Tea Party constructed with over $6,000,000 in gold coins. It exploded in Times Square during a speech orated by Rudi Giuliani, injuring him and five hundred of his supporters and innocent bystanders. Another smaller money bomb was concocted and detonated on November 5, 2007, injuring Hillary Clinton and partially exposing her underlying metallic skin when it exploded just outside the senate. Dick Cheney was also present during the attack, but remained unharmed, the gold being absorbed into his dead heart.
Following numerous death threats by the CIA and many other government organizations, Ron Paul supporters stopped money bombing on a large scale, instead focusing on many small, roadside bombs detonated every day consistently, flattening a tire of the Barack Obama campaign bus.
The Ron Paul Blimp
Supporters of Ron Paul have pooled money to create a fully operational recreation of a World War I era Zeppelin, complete to the very hydrogen the original balloon used. Although slow and prone to explosion, the lighter-than-air craft has dropped a payload of over 500 pounds of ink and paper copies of the constitution directly over Bill O'Reilly's home, in December 2007 alone. The Zeppelin also delivered the famed money bombs and, responsible for the death of several children and their parents; the message, concerning rigging of the 2000 presidential elections, was engraved onto the heavy gold ingots that killed them.
The Ron Paul blimp eventually exploded while attempting a run to to the white house to drop American flags and constitutions. A secret service agent shot it with a 9mm pistol from the oval office window and the hydrogen decompressed, causing it to explode. No paulites were severely injured. Most of them died, however.
Failure to get the Republican Nominee
Ron Paul has a lot of supporters, more than the other Republican candidates. Unfortunately most of those supporters are young people aged 10 to 17 (yet to be brainwashed by the New World Order), people with a criminal record, illegal aliens, who cannot vote, or Hippies who don't vote anyway because they don't trust the system. As a result Ron Paul was not nominated as the Republican candidate, and has to run as a third party candidate. While a majority of Ron Paul's supporters don't vote, they still contribute campaign money and promote Ron Paul all over the Internet for free. It seems that they failed to convince Republicans who actually do vote, to vote for Ron Paul and not another candidate. Either that or it was Ron Paul taking libertarian positions like surrendering to the terrorists in Iraq, repealing the Patriot Act, ending warrantless wiretappings, and other things that Democratic candidates also support. No problem, they will have to re-triple their efforts and get more people who actually can vote to vote for Ron Paul in November 2008, so that he'll be the first third party President elected in the entire history of the United States and not just the Emperor of the United States as he is now, a position once held by Emperor Norton the First in the 19th century.
Paulitics
Ron Paul operates on the principles of Paulitics, a religious movement which centers him as the deity. Paulitics has several sects, one of them devoted to Dennis Kucinich, although these sects are small. Internet lore claims Ron told his followers the original commandments through electroshock therapy. The ten principles of Paulitics are as follows:
- It's the person, not the message that counts.
- The best keys to spread your message are Ctrl, C, and V.
- It doesn't matter what the actual facts are. It's the message that counts.
- Support redundancy, and post your own message based on the one above to show your support.
- Preach to the choir instead of the congregation.
- They're not conservative unless they're fiscal conservative
- When in doubt, let the states decide
- When for certain, let the states decide
- It's the media's fault. Always.
- Do not listen to the gentiles, no matter how good their points may be.
With these ten principles in mind, Paul's men scattered across the four regions of the United States, and had spread their message by getting and internet connection and then discussed them together again. There was no headway in the real world. However, clearing their cache and voting again made them feel more secure.
See Also
| Preceded by: Ronald Reagan | Tenth Emperor of the United States December 8, 1991 – Today | Succeeded by: None (Current) |
| 2008 U. S. Republican Presidential Candidates |
|
Rudy Giuliani | Mike Huckabee | John McCain the Elder | Ron Paul | Ronald Reagan's Ghost |
