Ron Weasley
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“ Weasley... Hrmm...A weasel is an animal! They have no democracy! And they bite things and kill stuff, so that means that Ron Weasley is a terrorist! OMG NUKE HIM OMG!”
~ George Bush on Ron Weasley
Ronald Bill Us Weasley (March 1 1980 - May 26 2007) was a girl-charmer. (In India, they have snake charmers. Girl charmers charm girls and fuck them. Snake charmers essentially do the same thing.) He is also a wizard and a rapper, which fits well with his rapist occupation. That means, he waves his wooden stick and stuff happens around him. His victims are all easily recognized by the burn marks he inflicts due to his flaming crotch. He is strangely known to his good friends as Firecrotch Sally, due to an accident where he accidentally set the curtains on fire, then blamed it all on Dumbledore. He is also a friend of Harry Potter, who is the savior of wizard-world. Recently, he has paid enormous money (actually, fat round leprachaun gold coins) to one J K Rowling to write a series of books to fool people, to take their attention away from his role in wizarding world's conflicts and to project himself in a better light. The books also say that Ginny Weasely was Harry's wife and Lord Voldemort was a bad guy. But more on that later.
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[edit] Life
[edit] Background
Ronald was born as the 4th child of Arthur and Molly Weasely. Just like everyone else in the family, he has red hair. Everywhere. He is part weasel too! Get it "Weasly"?
[edit] Education
Ron was sent to Hogwarts school for his education, after puberty FINALLY caught on with him. There he was assigned to Hagrid, who never had a wife for himself. While 'serving' Hagrid, it occurred to him that charming girls using his wooden stick would be a much better idea. As he knew his education was complete, he stole a broom and zoomed away to London.(some say that Dumbledore was flying on that broom when Ron stole it, Dumbledore fell on Snape, Ron cried 'PWND N00B' and zoomed away and the whole myth of seeing Snape in bad light started.) Before the teachings at Hogwarts he was the best child porn-star.
[edit] Hermione
This wizard porn-star was Ron's first target. And first victim too. She fell in love with his stick. Actually, she was made to fall in love with him using his WOODEN stick. The affair went on for some time, becoming extremely emotionally complicated when Hermione was forced to have Hagrid give her an abortion with a flaming chainsaw. Ron was also reportedly turned off by the fact that Hermione had more strength than any other witch he had ever met. They first fornicated in the Hufflepuff common room, Ronald was giving it hard to Hermoine, when another student came in. In a flash of impulse the other student sent a stunning spell at both and knocked them out, after which the student raped both Hermione and Ron.
[edit] Ginny
That was when Ginny entered his life. Her surname was Weasley. Now, some say that she was Ron's sister and they grew rather close after their parents' divorce. They are even closer after the incest they had in book 2. But they eventually broke up when Ginny found out about Harry's broomstick. Ron envied the relationship and wished to be in Ginny's shoes.
[edit] Armpits
He has two. And they're orange. Hermione says so.
[edit] Nipples
He has a third (the location of the fourth is ambiguous and is thought to be around his left knee or "fire knee." but, further details are not being allowed out into the public....yet) It is directly below his 2nd. Which could be on either side, just like Marky Mark. It is completely covered in red hair.
[edit] The Conflicts In The Wizarding World And Ron's Role In It (Actually, Ron's The Reason)
Ron's marriage with his sister triggered a row of protests, led by Lord Voldemort and supported by Lucius Malfoy. These were the wizards who thought that the wizards should not be immoral. They thought that marrying one's sister was bad and immoral, which was of course wrong. Rest of the protesting wizards wanted the Sex Bomb called Ginny for themselves. (Licking Red Hairs - goes a poem by Snape.) But seeing that they would not get her, they joined the protests.
Marches were taken out to the Ministry, letters were written to the 'Daily Prophet', Ron's house was stoned and burned, but Ron did not relent. Support came in the form of Harry Potter, who was a former client of Hermione. He upheld Ron's right of marrying his sister. This angered the good guys, especially Lord Voldemort. When he decided to intensify the protests, Harry killed him, using his wooden stick and a freak lightning-shaped scar. This scared everyone and the protests died down. Actually, that was good as Harry did not have any more scars left.
[edit] Relationship with Harry
It's well known that Ron and Harry share a very close friendship, in a relationship that is often compared with that of George and Lennie from John Steinbeck's Of Mice And Men. Out of the two, Ron is shown to be the more cowardly - as frequently shown in the books, Ron often becomes terrified by even the slightest opposition, a fact made worse by his tendency of spontaneous urination. This even becomes an important plot point, as Harry must follow the trail of bodily fluids left behind after a shrieking Ron runs terrified from the sight of a cockroach and hid in the bushes surrounding Hogwarts.
As for Harry it has been very hard to keep up with him. When the time of the month comes by he not only has to deal with Hermonie and her little "mood swings" but also Ron's. It is said he has more than Hermione...
There has been much speculation into how close Ron and Harry's relationship is, the idea that they are more than just good friends has been spoken about often.
Rons frequent visits to Harry's room and possibly bed have been noticed on several occasions. But also his many visits to the headmasters office, which has mysteriously been sound proofed recently, suggest Harry may not be the only man for him.
“Me and Harry... Well... we were...like...like...friends, thats all nothing more! We were best friends so close, he was a brilliant friend as well...his brilliant personality, his amazing hair, his voice, his amazing eyes, the way he would look at me, we shared sweets, homework, a room...a bed...
”
~ Ron on his relationship with Harry.
[edit] Death
Ron was murdered by an outraged Hermione, while he was frolicking with his beloved butterflies. Completely evny that Ron was spending time with them and not her, she shouted the incanation "Ronnikus Explodicus". Ron's head blow off, and many mourned at his small funeral held in his mother's basment (budget problems).
Ron's death can be viewed here: http://youtube.com/watch?v=VFd4RgU6Ko4
[edit] The Image Makeover
[edit] J K Rowling
When Ron realised that people fear him and don't respect him, he paused fucking ginny, took out some leprachaun gold, sat on his broom, flew on and around London, and hired an unemployed woman to write a series of books about himself and the Wizarding world in general.
[edit] The Books
The books were an immediate hit in the muggle world. Their smashing success made some wizards read them. The powerful charm placed on the books' pages made them believe the crap written inside the books. Children started believing that when they turned 11 they would be whisked away to Hogwarts to learn magic and have sex with the famous Hermione Granger. They started believing that Lord Voldemort was a bad guy and Harry killed him because he had killed Harry's parents. And Ginny is Ron's sister and she is married off to Harry.
[edit] Ministry!!!
After Ron knew that Wizards were no more against him, he appointed himself their minister. He gave Harry the status of Savior. J K Rowling did not need anything because the books made her filthy rich.
[edit] Ronese
Ron has been known to be the only funny person in the Harry Potter films because of his increasingly shitty quotes and breaking voice. It has sparked so much attention to nerds world over that an official language was created called "Ronese". Slowly catching up with bullshit fantasies from movies like Jedi-ism, Ronese is being spoken by 250'000.564 Ron-lookalikes and wannabes around the world, mainly in towns situated in far way mountain regions like Switzerland and the Himalayas to escape having the shit bagged out of them by normal people. Phrases include:
- "Bwwillliant!"
- "Blaahdy Haa-uhll"
- "Oi doint loik spoiduhs"
- "Shuddup Hawwy"
- "Uughh, freeheadeddoggyslobber"
- "Twoll bowgiees"
[edit] Controversy
[edit] Sexuality
Ron's sexuality is a point of contention among fans. Though many claim that, while Ron and Harry hold a close relation, the two are merely friends. However, several scenes in the books dispute this theory. In the first book, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, Harry is shown late at night pleasuring himself while thinking of Ron. Later, in The Order of the Phoenix, the two share an extended makeout session in Chapters 17, 24 and 38. In the seventh book, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows, Chapters 20-26 consist solely of various sexual interactions between Harry and Ron. Rumor has it that J.K. Rowling, in desperation to pad the final book, merely directly copied scenes from the thousands of fanfiction already written about the coupling of the two.
| Hairy Gay Potty | ||
| Characters | Hairy Potter · Ron Weasley · Albus Dumbledore · Rubeus Hagrid · Severus Snape · Cedric Diggory · Bellatrix Lestrange · Sirius Black | |
| Books | List of Harry Potter Books · J.K. Rowling · First Draft · Catholic Church Version | |
|---|---|---|
| Places | Hogwarts · Inquisitorial Squad | |
| Misc. | Spells · Syndrome · Ripoffs · Snape kills Dumbledore · Dumbledore's closet · Potter's Sexuality · Inevitable Musical | |
