Ronald McDonald
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“My fuck buddies, such as Ronald McDonald, Barney the Dinosaur, and Dick the Clown call me Big Daddy, aka Penis. When they go to my love chamber, I give them a Viagra burger and a cum shake with a penis straw.”
~ tom berkin and kendall teacake
“Of all the years I have been around, making top-quality roadkill burgers, I have never despised such a clown with lack of fashion. I mean, the red wig is so last year.”
“What the hell does he slip into food to make people keep coming back!? And I thought my herbs and spices were dangerously mysterious!”
~ Colonel Sanders on Ronald McDonald's additives
“This guy has serious issues. Who is their right mind would wear red with yellow while dressed as a clown?”
~ The Little Chef on Ronald McDonald's fashion sense
“It then sat on him, and that sufficated him and he died. Man that was some good day.”
~ Shaquille O'Neal on Roanld McDonald
“Ran Ran Ru!”
~ MrCleveland on Ronald McDonald
[edit] Ronald's Early Life
Ronaldistein Stalinski McDonald was born to Satan on May 2nd. After Satan abandoned him, John McCain and Hillary Clinton adopted him on June 15th, behind a 7-11. The 2nd of three children (the oldest Michael Jackson), he was subject to many beatings and sexual encounters from his Step Father. When McCain went gay and left them all, all hell broke loose and Ronald was brought up as a violent homosexual death beast.Jollibee and Hetty,2 mascots deleted his birthday when he was a child.
When his Step Mother finally died of AIDS, Ronald received an everlasting ass rape from his older brother. He fled to a nearby bar with a few friends. There he publicly came out of the closet and formed a band. He soon realised that his talent extended far beyond pole-dancing and started to write lyrics on the crapper between getting beatings from his manager...One day Birdie the early bird saw Ronald McDonald,Jollibee and Hetty Durmaguette sing. Ronald McDonald saw all square garaged doors in the community of his first appearance(one, sometimes two if he took too long,three,four,not five,six,not seven,not eight)and he saw more garages with squares with Jollibee and Hetty Durmaguette
During these years, all that came out of the lyrics were. Ba-da-da-da-dahonald Fuck it.
McDonald was also a humanitarian, as seen in his frequent visits to the concentration camps in Germany during World War II. He would offer cheeseburgers and fries to any Jew or Communist willing to give him a blow job.Here, Ronald discovered his love of children. Straights and non-straights, whites and blacks, jews and not jews...he banged em all. To keep it up, he invented a line of fast food to seduce the young ones
The food proved popular. More than half of the population has eaten his shit. While the food helps plump up Americans everywhere, it is also the cause of many dead pre-pubescent bodies. More than 3,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 children have been McDonald's victims, either from the food or the rape that followed the meal.
[edit] Immunity
Ronald McDonald, Michael Jackson, The Joker and Dick the Clown come from a blood line that is immune to all types of STDs. This was a great
One day, in the middle of masturbating with MJ, he went into a 2 week coma. When he woke up in the gay men hospital, Michael Jackson explained, "You may be immune to dying from STDs, but that doesn't mean you don't catch them." Realizing this, he was a little more careful with choosing his kids, because now he has to insert 55 dildo sized pills up his ass, and even that is too much for him to handle. See: Bisexuality
[edit] The Rise and Fall of Ronald McDonald
McDonald couldn't help but lose popularity with each passing single and it seemed he was destined for the big time beating. Fast cars, luxurious mansions, chihuahuas ... he wished for it all. As a hobby he would chew on dildos, until one accidentally vibrated and knocked most of his teeth out. He got much of his talent from his brother, Michael Jackson; both of whom used cosmetic surgery in an attempt to further their careers.
It was at this point in his life when everything started to go wrong. Firstly, notorious ex-girlfriend Michelle Jochum told the press that she was expecting a love-child with McDonald. Jochum had also expressed her love for Scientology and so was not the ideal mother for McDonald's baby. McDonald denied any relation had ever taken place, but DNA testing later proved otherwise. This affair was detailed in McDonald's 1991 single "Silly Bitch".
Secondly, McDonald began to push his cousin, The Joker, out of the limelight with the release of his 1991 EP "Ain't No Jokin' My Joker (I'm the New Clown Prince of Crime)". This lead his whole family to criticise the quality of Ronald's, and eventually publicly denounce him. The Joker now resides on the planet McDonald's Land Def Con 5, with most of the family. He is currently dating Delta Goodrem and Australia's Princess Edna simultaneously, thanks to the country's lax laws on bigamy.
Finally, he suffered an attempt on his life, when fellow gangster rapper, the late, great Threepac fired 8 rounds at him with a cabbage-rifle. He survived, but spent the next 4 months in a series of hospitals, as no single hospital would accept him for more than two weeks after a series of other disappearing patient. McDonald recovered and released his new album Mr. T Ain't Got Shit On Me in 1991, which sparked the hit single Butt Fights'. McDonald realised that he could have died in the attempt on his life, and decided to live each day as if it were his last.
Now McDonald's life took a turn for the bizarre. He took up several furry creatures as companions and turned them into his new crew (a trait learned from his brother). His once youthful and boyish good looks were replaced by that of a weathered old man. His locks began to curl and his tanned complexion became more and more pale. It was becoming obvious to all and sundry that something was amiss. His penis took a sharp turn to the left. Yes, that's right kids: Ronald is now 100% gay; as gay as the day is long.
This meant that he would work extra hard to seduce men of all ages with his fast food chain.The Burger King thinking Mcdonald was crazy killed Ronald ,but it was just a clone. He slaughtered and served several women who ate there once they were fat enough, and sold them off to men hungry for oral sex. He calmed down after getting pregnant with his first child, but a warehouse full of bead meatbags would later lead to an arrest.
Appearing on an Oprah special in the mid 80s, McDonald told the millions watching that he was happy in his life and that everything was fine. He also made it quite clear that he was not undergoing cosmetic surgery again, and try to remake his old face. Despite his lies, evidence that his face was undergoing some kind of transformation was finally obvious when he was spotted out shopping complete with large bulbous red nose and a fake vagina. Those closest to him who have agreed to speak to the media have blamed McDonald's clown-like appearance on his obsession with the circus and the countless times as a child when his father whipped him to within an inch of his life while dressed like a ringmaster.
The characteristically orange overall is from his days at Guantanamo Bay. It was after a birthday party in McDonald's, Kabul, where he terrorized kids with stupid jokes, balloons and singing. He was detained and immediately deported to Guantanamo.
McDonald angered the United Nations when he ordered his troops to invade Poland in an attempt to overthrow The King. This was a tremendous failure, resulting in 30,000 deaths on the McDonald side. This was quite strange as the troops never reached Poland. After stopping in France, approx. 20,987 troops died of STD's. This small epidemic is said to have been the cause of the outbreak of AIDS. McDonald fled to Mexico shortly after the news of his failure reached him, where he currently resides on his plantation next to Santa Ana. Currently, Poland is the only country that does not have a McDonald's restaurant, due to the fact that McDonald's does not supply doors wide enough to fit most Poles. Recently, McDonald has left Mexico and retreated to his personal crack palace in Germany where he enjoys having sex with hundreds of prostitutes and smoking McCrack.
[edit] Current Location
Ronald McDonald's location is still a mystery today. He is said to be currently living under Mt. Everest. He usually rapes those who
McDonald's location was tracked by a GPS device. A CIA agent spotted him and shot a GPS dart up his ass. He orgasmed and gave the CIA agent enough time to escape. The CIA traced his last location to be near Mt. Everest. The GPA device stopped working somehow, even though it was indestructible and solar powered. The CIA predict that he has a secret lair below Mt. Everest.
[edit] Arrest
On August 28th, 1989, McDonald was detained at Fort Lauderdale International Airport and later arrested for attempted Big Mac smuggling. He was returning from a "spiritual vacation" (read "underage sex holiday") in Afghanistan and his suitcase was filled almost entirely with Big Macs and McBig McDildos. McDonald took a plea bargain and served just six months in gay men prison, but wanted to stay longer because he enjoyed raping men in the showers. After being released from Gay Men Prison there was an incident at the Mcdonalds shit fest. A 25 year old women recieved third degree burns from spilling coffee on herself. A later interview with the faggot himself, Ronald apologized and had finally outed his embarassing addiction to sticking his penis in hot coffee. Ronald ran away, leaving customers staring at their coffee.
In 2004, McDonald was caught at a diner in Mississippi, ass fucking little boys in the washroom. He was arrested and put away in the local prison in Kosciusko, where he was let out on bail by a "mystery man". He also pleaded guilty to calling the payphone at a diner in New Jersey every night at exactly midnight since 1998 looking for "manly love" It was even covered in the hit magazine, Weird N.J.. When asked for comment he replied "I need a man badly, I can't live without one!"
[edit] The Anime
Nothing here
[edit] Clones
Michael Jackson, angry after hearing that his younger brother has successfully stolen his idea, raped him that night. He enjoyed it until MJ threatened his life. Just before MJ injected his poisonous semen into Ronald, he makes an exact clone of himself and flees. Michael Jackson still tries to hunt him down even to this day.
[edit] McDonald's Business Life
McDonald is not just renowned for his worldwide raping rapping weird singing status. He is now in fact the head of the 'McDonald's' corporation (AKA FuckDonald's). In November 1996, a failing businessman by the name Ray Croach approached the rapper after hearing of his triple-platinum failure. He did not know the reason why his fast food joint, Salmonella, was sub ceding but believed a new face like Ronald McDonald's would make it look better. After months of being stalked and receiving hate mail, McDonald gave in to Kroc and signed a $10 million contract that would almost overshadow his rap career.
During his early years, McDonald was interested in the adult entertainment business. His main partner was Ronald McJeremy in the production of the movies San Francisco: Wild Nights, I'm So Ronny Tonite, Eat My Big Mac and Ron v. Ron: The Sex of the Century.
Together, McDonald and Kroc created the world's top food corporation, knocking KFC from the long held position. The mixture of addictive crap food and a clown rapper was just too irresistible to America and children of the world. With this initial success, McDonald decided send the other members of his rap group Mc Unit to countries around the globe and spread the chain's grasps. Big P tripled the yearly gross; Miss Birdie Fly proved a hit in 5 countries; Kid Fiddler however did not seem to have any appeal.
With his change in appearance, McDonald became obsessed with his fast food chain. He fired Kroc and entitled himself, 'de Furher' of McDonald's. Seeing that he was the biggest success with children, he began to invite them to his McRanch, calling them the McKiddies. No one was to know what went on in his ranch until 2005. He also added supersize option to every meal, but had to cut down the size after the disastrous 'Supersize Pee' documentary. The kids remained untouched. After being fired, Kroc went into television underneath the motormouth name Alton Brown.
[edit] Alchemy
During one of his trips to the place that is not, ronald discovered alchemy and trained with the Fullmetalgeargundummoon brothers, Orvil and Redinbocker. the training mainly involved getting eaten by a grue. Ronald was never heard of again.
McDonald's brief controversial stint into alchemy was allegedly intended to create mclard out of the many mcsalads at his restaurant no one would eat. When trying to revive his sick uncle, he transformed his ground meat into humunculi, McCheese. In Mcheese's run for McCalifornia office, he was found medically dead and was given mcformaldehyde for his stench. Finding suit for dead burger discrimination, Mcheese became pity mayor for 12 years, issuing an edict that the residential ratio to Mcdonalds restaurants was to be 1/2. Even less popular was his edict to conver all "liveys" into dead meat creatures like himself. Liking the taste of his uncle so much, Ronald Mcdonald began adding mcformaldehyde to all his burgers to this day, attributing to the relative lack of stench of his mcworm-patties.
The mysterious disappearances of Wendy Sanders and the Taco Bell chipmunk lead to an investigation into the parallel realm of the Mcdonalds playplace. With the aid of the fargate, and demigod, Macmoon's hazmat team, The great sea of diapers was ventured and a purple abomination was discovered in Ronald's lab. The purple creature Grimace was proven to have been created from various rodents and opposing restaurant owners.
Due to advances in alchemy, the McDonalds empire has been making their food entirely out of lead and ghosts since 1939, creating many sentient foodstuffs along the way to strengthen his otherworldly army. And he is still rampaging the world to this day
[edit] McDonald today
McDonald's 1995 albums: Yo Kids Need to Eat Yo Food to Grow Up Phat Like Me and Shut Yo' Fuckin' Face, Bitch! , which were finally released to non-McDonaldians in September 2005 was an immediate flop, shifting just 8 copies in a two week period and spelling financial disaster for McDonald. This had been just the icing on the deep fried cake that is McDonald's downfall. With no extension to his current record deal, McDonald had taken to releasing Greatest Hits album after Greatest Hits album before leaving Sony to join independent label, "Shit Music" and recently released his new solo project "Ron - By Request Only" - a modern take on the easy listening classics of yesteryear.
McDonald has recently been under the spotlight for his controversial scheme to give money to fellow rappers if they include references to his fast food chain in their music and following further allegations that he had been allowing children to sleep in his bed, he was taken to court and narrowly acquitted of being involved with five child actors within the space of four months. Ronald McDonald may also own part of your penis/vagina.
[edit] Baseball
Ronald was better known for his achievement with the Los Angeles Bakers in 1997-2005 when he signed a contract with them offering Big Mac's and blowjobs to the whole team. During his first baseball season Ronald hit two kids in the stands and hit 25 homeless. While his first year was not the best in the league, in 2003 he was accused of using steroids with former teamates Barry Bonds and Hulk Hogan in the showers while having sex. Ronald states the claims against him were simply "A way to get me in jail." After a year in court Ronald was let go because the jury and judge were promised Arch Cards from McDonald's. While he recovered, he decided to continue his career in the MLB. In 2004 Ronald along with teamate John Cena were 1 for 100 setting a new franchise record for the best RBI. At that pace his popularity was growing. Not only were rappers like Fat Joe munching on his food, but his sales were surpassing longtime rival Burger King. In 2005 Ronald ended his season with a broken leg when they were playing the Kentucky Fried Roosters. Ronald was pitching in the 7th inning when a fastball he threw bounced off the umpire's mask back to Ronald and struck him. He ended his career with a record of most touchdowns per minute and attracted the most kids in franchise history since Michael Jackson 1993-1998.
[edit] Supposed Death
Earlier this year a reporter was doing a documentary on the "then and now" of Ronald McDonald for CBS. Secretly, The Burger King and Ronald McDonald's cousin, Chuck E. Cheese, had been plotting to assassinate him. At the time he was in his rap career and was known as MC Donald. The Burger King was jealous of this so he wanted to 'tupac' MC Donald. While at a stop light the Burger King drove by in his Lincoln Navigator. He took a sawed-off shotgun, blew Ronald McDonald's head all over the window and then quickly drove off. Ronald lost much brain tissue - almost all of what he still had - but made a speedy recovery with his GodBurger, which can heal the sick when purchased in the McBible happy meal. McDonaldland,Wendyville,Burger king kingdom,jollitown and Dairyqueen garden gang has been all largely been phased out. so Ronald,Wendy,Burger King,Jollibee and the old Twirlie and The Dairy Queen all Stay in reality. wondering with real children in christian death...
[edit] The Future
It was originally believed that Ronald McDonald's death would finally end his wild and unpredictable antics, but a growing percentage of the world's population have reported strange Ronald-related goings-on. Also, since his death, the mysterious (and previously unknown) head of the United Nations has been revealed to be McDonald. for its masterpiece and jollibee mascots Jollibee and Twirlie
It is unknown how Ronald's comeback is possible, but security cameras in the North London suburb of Islington recorded footage of a TARDIS materialising behind an off-license and a bloodied corpse (identifiable by CSI's top agents) being dropped into the gutter by, "an ugly man with a stupid red hairdo" (as quoted by London's top Police Chief Jasper Carrot as he was being restrained by a gang of thugs), and speeding off down the Finchley road.
For now, the world seems relatively safe, while Ronald grows accustomed to his bloody fate. Once he accepts his destiny in 2012, none of us shall be safe! It is up to us all to protect ourselves from this menace, at any cost! Ronald McDonald never exsisted anymore. Ronald McDonald will never exsist anymore and so Jollibee and Twirlie mascots have been in ronald until 2012 gazillion years from now
[edit] Ronald McDonald and McCafe's
Ronald McDonald has recently undergone a long love affair short lived with cafes. He likes the open mike live music, and has been known to strum an acoustic guitar once or twice and do a set of Joan Baez covers of various Bob Dylan songs, and has done his own covers of Leonard Cohen classics like "Hallelujah" and "Suzanne". He has recently attempted to take a few citadels of his empire and put these cushy lounging areas in there to promote pretension and hippieing in the proud tradition of McDonald's.
This hasn't worked to everyone's tastes; many poets have complained that their poetry books have been ruined by the amount of grease that accumulates through thumbing through the pages while eating french fries and snack wraps. Also, some intellectuals have stated that they have become dumber while attempting to pontificate and eat a Shamrock Shake at the same time. Ronald McDonald has not substantiated any of these claims, but less self-righteous art fags have been reported being seen in McDonald's with built in.
[edit] Discography
- Livin' La Vida Cocoa (1984)
- Yo' Kids Sho' Like Yo' Honey-Dew Burgers! (1985)
- Is Ronald MC Donald Gonna Have to Choke a Bitch!? (An EP focusing on choking bitches) (1985)
- Mathers McDonald (1985)
- Smack That Bitch Like You Just Don't Give a Shit (1986)
- 5-Piece Chicken Dinner and Large Fries, Y'all! (1988)
- Mr. T Ain't Got Shit on Me (1991)
- Ain't No Jokin' My Joker (I'm the New Clown Prince of Crime) (An EP released to attack his father, The Joker) (1991)
- Greatest Hits: Vol. I (1992)
- Ya Fucked Now, Fatass! (An EP released in response to the Ron Jeremy supposedly getting fat from McDonald's) (1992)
- McDonald's in Da House (Just Call and We'll Deliver to Yo' Door) (1993)
- Greatest Hits: Vol. II (1993)
- Number Ones (1994)
- Royale With Cheese (1994)
- Yo' Kids Need to Eat Yo' Food to Grow Up Phat Like Me (1995) now just $0.99!
- Shut Yo' Fuckin' Face, Bitch! (1995)
- Number Twos (1995)
- Ron: By Request Only (1996)
- Real Muthaphuckin' Eaters (1997)
- Burger Bitches and Milkshake Whores (1997)
- I Got Knocked Around (By a 2-by-4 Burger) (1998)
- Where My Shit-Ass Macaroos At!? (An album in collaboration with The Ham Burgla) (1998)
- My Chicken Fuckin' Nuggets Homies (1998)
- Greatest Hits: Vol. V (Famously revealed that McDonald had never learned to count) (1998)
- Kissed My Sweetie With My Fist (1998)
- Big Mac Makes You Phat (2000)
- That Shit Ain't Mine (A spoken word album in retalliation to recent child-porn/food poisoning accusations) (2000)
- Wendy Don't Give Head Right! (2000)
- Bitch! Step Off! (2001)
- Colonel Sanders Sucks Less Dick Than Me ('Cause He Ain't Got Kids) (2002)
- Watch Your Back, I'll Watch Your Dick (2003)
- Run Phat Man, Run (2003)
- McRib & Shit (2003)
- What'd Ya Say 'Bout a Ho's Fillet-o-Fish? (2003)
- Bitch Mac: Da Big Mac! (2004)
- Niggaz Ain't Ready for Chicken Selects! (2005)
- You Better Watch Out Girl, 'Cause I'm Gonna Rape Myself! (2006)
- Fuck That Nigga Burger King! (2006)
- Greatest Tits: Vol. III (An album in collaboration with his then-wife, Rosie McDonald) (2007)
- Jollibee and twirlie rings the McBell,,,(2008)
- McDonald's Ronald McDonald tells the Jollibee Mascots Jollibee and Twirlie how to demolish The Pointer Sisters(Of Sesame Street(2008)
- McFlurry From the Toilet (2007)
- Turn You in to a Big Mac Pimp (2007)
- Blood Ketchup (The Joker Diss Part II) (2008)
- David Beckhamburger (Tribute to Gayvid Beckham coming to LA) (2008)
- Burger King Can Suck My Straw (Diss to the Burger King who shot him in a drive by - MC Ronald would eventually survive six shots to the face) (2008)
- Hamburglar's Mom (Has Got it Going On) (Hamburglar diss tape) (2007, uncovered in 2008)
- Wendy Ain't Nothin' But a Ho!!! (In My Garden) (A sell-out album available to kids) (coming 2009)
- Nigga, I'm Broke in Burger Paradise (coming 2009)
- I Fall Out of Fucking Chairs ~Only When I'm High~ (An upcoming trance-based album with Fatboy Slim, Moby and Daft Punk) (coming 2009)
Here is the videoclip for MC Donald's latest trance-based effort, Orekara/Wake Up: Dance the Fuckin' Phat Off!. This is from the upcoming compilation album I Fall Out of Fucking Chairs ~Only When I'm High~:Brad Lennon stars here!
[edit] Mathers McDonald
One of Ronald's happier albums (released in his 20s), Mathers McDonald caused considerable controversy because of its content of a bollemic nature. The album was a large parody of the hits of future black African-American rap-superstar Eminem, and was made when Ronald went under the name of MC Donald.
Following is the full track-listing:
- 1. Fries With That? (Intro)
- 2. Fat America
- 3. Smoke Coke
- 4. Eat 'Till I Collapse
- 5. Like Eating McDonald's Toy Soldiers
- 6. Without Meat?
- 7. More Cushing for the Pushing
- 8. The Real Slim chicken
- 9. Chickin Lickin Gerkin
- 10. Ass Like That (On My Lap, and My Burgerz)
- 11. My Dad's Gone McDick
- 12. I'mpoor
- 13. Superham With Some Spam (featuring Celine Dion under her original stage name, Lina Gay)
- 14. Can't Stand (featuring MC Donald's backup group, DD32)
- 15. Doors Close (Outro)
- 16. Mockingherd for the Fat Bird (Bonus Track)
- 17. My Food is Healthy (International Tour Bonus Track)
- 18. Fries With That? (George Dubya's Nuclear Remix)
- 19. Jollibee and Twirlie and Elmo and his sister Daisy sing with The Pointer Sisters(of Sesame Street)
[edit] Actors
At any given time, there are dozens, or possibly hundreds, of actors retained by McDonald's to appear as Ronald McDonald in restaurants and events. It is assumed, however, that the company uses only one actor at a time to play the character in national television commercials. Following is a list of such primary Ronald actors.
- Willard Scott (1963 - 1965)
- Bruce Wayne (Gotham City, 1963 – 1966)
- Bob Brandon (1966 - )
- King Gooney (1970s)
- Richard Flickers(1986-1988)
- Geoffrey Giuliano (late 1970s – early 1980s)
- Squire Fridell (1984 - 1991)
- My Cousin Vinny (mid-1990s)
- Blue Dorman (1988 - 1989)
- Lou Streon (1998 - 2000)Canada only
- Your Mom (2000 - )
- Michael V. (1998 - 1999)
- Joe Maggard (1994 - 2008)
- Russell Crowe (2000 - )
- Celine Dion (eternally)
- The Joker (impersonated his son from 1999 - 2005)
[edit] See Also
- BCU
- Hitler
- McDonald's
- Big Mac the Pimp
- Feud Food: Drive-Thru Deathmatch
- Clown
- Incest
- The Joker, Ronald McDonald's father.
- Michael Jackson, Ronald McDonald's younger brother
- Dick the Clown, Ronald McDonald's older brother
- John Wayne Gacy, Ronald McDonald's father
- The Barney Bunch, the group Ronald and his family are members of
- Pae Do
- Beastiality
- Clown hunters
- The Burger King
- Spice Girls
- All of your friends
- Ronald McNinja takes on 7/11 Pirates
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