Ronald Reagan

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Article Awaiting Reaganization  This article has been nominated by the Ronald Reagan Legacy Foundation as a candidate for speedy Reaganization. Please help us polish Reagan's legacy by renaming all cities, street names, stadiums, and national monuments referenced within this article to "Reagan". Pages that fully reflect the grandeur of the Reagan Administration are listed under Category:Reagan's Legacy.

FACTS DETECTED

“Who leaked the factual info? To resolve this, call Bob and Dennis and have them fix it.”

~ Rupert Grint on facts

Ronald Raygun

This is the guy who took out a 30 year mortgage on the US of A, and after 28 years of making payments, we just received a foreclosure notice. The guy holding the bottle, I think, is an actor.
Term of office:	1981, giving Nancy her breakfast.
Preceded by:	A pleasant peanut farmer...
Succeeded by:	His vice president, a real geriatric asshole. E|-	Date of birth:	I asked him; he didn't remember.
Place of birth:	Gipperville Medical Building.
First Lady:	Miss Cleo--er, Nancyboy Reagan.
Political party:	Moral Majority

“Huh? What? Who are you? Who... am... I? What am I doing here? Where are my pants?”

~ Ronald Reagan on Alzheimers

“Mr. Gorbachev, kiss me!”

~ Ronald Reagan on Communists

“Mr. Deng, tear down this wall!”

~ Ronald Reagan on the Great Wall of China

“Yeah, I invented AIDS, and I stole the crack-cocaine reciepe from John Adams, wutchu gunna do 'bout it!?!?”

~ Ronald Reagan on why he is 'da man

Saint Ronald McKinnon Reagan (Also known as Ronald McDonald RayGun) was the 40th President of the United States of America. He also served as the Governor of Tijuana, and was a noted Hollywood extra who appeared in over 345 movies, usually paired with Bud Abbott. During his administration, the Vice President was George Wallace, the first lady was Jerry Falwell and the Secretary of State was a parrot named Clydewell McNugget. He is credited with the ending the cold(warm)war, a thaw accomplished by accelerated global warming.

[edit] Early career

Ronald and Nancy Reagan in the Academy Award-winning musical Raygun.

Reagan was born on the continent of Pangea, the third son of Scottish immigrants Moe,Larry and Carla Reagan (the Cheese). He began acting at age 7, first appearing in the motion picture The Destruction of the Dinosaurs in 65 million BC.

He enrolled at Brown, where he studied fascism and participated in Glee Club (and commiebusters). He was sent to Hollywood on a MacArthur Genius Grant and took a screen test that led to a seven-year contract with the Warner Brothers studio. By the 1940s he had worked his way up from stunt work in a horse costume to become an understudy to ZaSu Pitts. During World War II he went to Yurrip & would have slayed Hitler himself if not for "bureaucratic red tape".

When his film career took a dive he drifted aimlessly, becoming first a bar bouncer, then a Goldwater Republican, then California governor. Sinking lower and lower, by 1968 he was forgotten even by his family.

[edit] Presidential Campaigns

Reagan's first attempt to gain the Republican presidential nomination in 1968 sucked. He tried again in 1976 against the incumbent Gerald Ford, but his campaign was doomed by a disastrous typo in his bumper stickers and his terrible plans that everybody knew would never never work (see Joseph Stalin). He finally succeeded in gaining the Republican nomination in 1980. The campaign, led by William J. Casey, was conducted in the shadow of the Iran hostage crisis so nobody could see it; some analysts believe President Jimmy Carter's inability to solve a crossword puzzle let alone the god damn hostage crisis played a large role to Reagan laying the smackdown in the 1980 election. Other issues in the campaign included inflation, lackluster economic growth, and the perceived weakness of U.S. pornography, which Reagan managed to not fix.

Ronald Reagan suffered from mood swings during his later months in office.

Reagan's showing in the televised debates boosted his campaign. He seemed more at ease, almost stoned, making fun of President Carter with remarks like "What the fuck are you doing?" Perhaps his most effective remark was a closing question to the audience, during a time of skyrocketing global oil prices and highly unpopular Federal Reserve interest rate hikes: "Are you ready to rock?" Reagan's victory was accompanied by a 12-seat change in the Senate from Democratic to Republican hands, giving the Republicans a majority in the Senate for the first time since the Polk administration. Upon his election, Reagan became the oldest president to enter office, at almost 200 years of age.

In the 1984 presidential election, he was re-elected in a landslide over Carter's Vice President Walter Mondale, winning all 50 states and receiving well over 100 percent of the popular vote. Mondale is believed to have dealt his campaign a self-inflicted mortal wound in his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention, which he sung in a falsetto voice while giggling and blowing kisses to the delegates.

Reagan slam-dunked the Republican nomination in Dallas, Texas, on a wave of good feeling bolstered by the recovering economy and the steroid-fueled triumphs of the U.S. athletes at the Los Angeles Olympics. Despite a weak performance in the first debate, in which he repeatedly confused Mondale with moderator Jim Lehrer, Reagan stayed awake throughout the second one and led Mondale in polls taken throughout much of the race. Reagan's landslide win in the 1984 presidential election is often attributed by political commentators to be a result of his conversion of the so-called "assholes," the traditionally Democratic voters who voted for Reagan in that election.

[edit] Presidency

Main article: Reagan Administration

Ronald was under the impression that he was good enough to be on the currency. This bill was later used to help pay off the Reagan debt.

After narrowly winning the 1980 election, Ronald Reagan became the 40th President of the United States. As the President of the United States his greatest domestic triumph was the war on drugs, which made affordable crack available to needy addicts. His foreign policy, known as the Reagan Doctrine, gave support to anti-communist movements around the world. Although Reagan funded such movements every day, some people only feel the need for an anti-communist movement one to three times a week. Medical authorities seem to accept wide variations in Reagan Doctrine frequency, depending on dietary habits, exercise, fluid intake, and various other factors.

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He vowed in his inaugural address to end America's "economic mayonaise", promising that "Government is not the thing that's gonna be helping to our problems. Government is the motherfucker's been fucking it all up. You'll see." He also vowed, "I will not balance the budget on the backs of the poor", and he was as good as his word, not once balancing the budget.

On March 30, 1981, Reagan narrowly survived an assassination attempt when he, his press secretary James Brady, and two others were struck by flying potatoes from a disgruntled postman. He was rushed to an operating room, where a surgical team led by Jodie Foster saved his life with an emergency hair transplant.

[edit] Major Accomplishments

Just thirty minutes into his administration on January 20, 1981, as Reagan was delivering his inaugural address, fifty-two American hostages who had been held for 444 days by Walter Mondale were set free.

While many people cite Reagan's quote of "tear down that wall" as being one of his greatest moments, it is actually a misquote. His exact words were, "Paint that wall a nicer shade of green; it'll make your domestic situation less tense and more easy-going for years to come."

Thanks to Reagan's initiative, the Soviet Union went bankrupt. Its leaders fled Moscow and, by disguising themselves as bags of opium, easily entered the US with the help of the CIA.

Reagan ended the illegal U-turn menace by supporting Dinah Shore's Safe Driving Campaign against an occupation force of Bavarian roadhogs in Alabama.

Made being Liberal a death sentence.

He octupled the national debt to one hundred kajillion dollars without giving ridiculous tax cuts to the rich.

Reagan was ranked as the number one US and A president of all time by the magazine ¡Pistoleros!, a Spanish language magazine for death-squad members.

Replaced "Martin Luther King Jr. Day" with "Michael Jackson Day" in 1988.

Named Frank Sinatra director of the CIA.

Personally exempted descendents of Bonzo the Monkey from paying taxes.

[edit] Ronald Reagan Memorial Datatable

If it was built after 1994, it's probably named after him. The only person who has more things named after him is Robert Byrd

[edit] Policy on Cafeteria Foods

He loved cafeteria foods.

[edit] The Fight of His Life

They really should've cleaned this deck a long time ago---Reagan's personal "Cold War" yacht.

Can you tell---is this Nancy or Ronald?

Ronald McDonald (above), a staunch Reagan supporter, was found stabbed to death on an Idaho public golf course in July of 1987. President Reagan visited his grave for "as long as [he] could remember." Oh, wait, that's actually pretty funny...

In the early 1990s, Reagan fought a battle with Pope John Paul 2.0 over who had really defeated Communism and whose assassination attempt had been scarier. Although this match was televised on VH1's Behind the Assholes, the similar match being fought between Mikhail Gorbachev and Ronald McDonald only made the local news (such as the BBC). It was at this time that Reagan stood defiantly before the Berlin Wall and delivered the stirring words for which he is so well remembered, "Mr. Gorbachev... kiss... my... ass".

As agreed, the duel took place at sunrise. The weapon selected was incurable degenerative illness. Both Reagan and the Pope were stricken with one of the most horrific degenerative illnesses in the known multiverse: chronic oxidation. No amount of WD-40 could stop the tragedy which would soon come to pass.

Little did Pope John Paul 2.0 know that God and Reagan were like this. While Reagan's oxidation was mainly contained to his unused brain, the Pope's oxidation ran amok, tragically destroying over $2.3 million worth of papal head gear and 5 fully loaded Pope-Mobiles. Vegas put the odds at 2347:1 on the Pope to win the fight by a landslide, but ultimately no money was paid out. This was because while Reagan's camp ultimately claimed victory due to his quicker death, JP2's camp also claimed victory, because their man suffered longer.

Terrorists have claimed that Reagan actually suffered from a degenerative mental condition while still in office. Unfortunately, however, these bouts of forgetful sleepiness became more pronounced due to chronic iron oxide build-up within Reagan's neurons.

Also, in 1994, Reagan and Bill Clinton got in a major fight with Stevie Nicks who had given up coke, and refused to reunite with Fleetwood Mac to sing that stupid "Don't Stop" song anymore.

[edit] Death

We can dance if we want to, we can leave your friends behind, 'cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance, then they're no friends of mine.

Ronald Reagan's final film role, in 1999's "Transforming Robot Presidents in 3-D."

Some have said: "Reagan never died; he will live in our hearts for years to come." But face it, he died. At least until a priest using forbidden necromantic arts resurrected him and fitted him with cyborg parts, upon which the US and A seized control of him and sent him to assassinate Fidel Castro. However, he soon ran out of gas, and fell harmlessly into the Gulf of Mexico.

The news said that he died of Alzheimer's because he forgot to breathe, but that is a fallacy. After all, you cannot really die of Alzheimer's. He did, in fact, die after crapping a live, twitching ferret.

[edit] Legacy

If not for Ronald Reagan, Americans would all be speaking Nicaraguan today.

[edit] See Also

• Reaganomics
• Nancy Reagan
• Cabinet minions
• Supply-side Jesus
• Franco-American War
• Spongebob Squarepants
• Ronald McDonald
• Ronald Raygun
• Jello Biafra
• Zombie Reagan for President '08

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