Cristiano Ronaldo
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Stepover, stepover, dive, roll around, screem in agony, call referee, get player sent off, wink...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cristiano Ronaldo
| ||
| 10 | ||
| 9 | Cristiano Ronaldo | |
| 8 | ||
| 7 | ||
| 6 | ||
| 5 | ||
| 4 | ||
| 3 | ||
| 2 | ||
| 1 | ||
| 0 | ||
| ||
“Please bring suffering to all Man utd fans. Amen. ”
~ God praying to Cristiano Ronaldo
“Quit your jibba jabba! You ain't hurt, you're pathetic! If I ever catch you act like a crazy fool again, you're gonna meet my friend paaaaain!”
~ Mr. T on Cristiano Ronaldo
“I am the eggman, I am the walrus. I am Bruce Lee”
~ Cristiano Ronaldo on Cristiano Ronaldo
“I'm better than Torres, he is a queer weasel”
~ Christiano Ronaldo on Cristiano Ronaldo
“In Soviet Russia, Cristiano Ronaldo hates YOU!”
~ Soviet Reversal
“Rocket Ronaldo, I like. Because I like shoving rocket up zzee english asses”
~ Cristiano Ronaldo on naming his freekicks.
Cristiano Ronaldildo (not born Ronaldo Luis Nazário de Lima, although he wishes he was) is a Portuguese international footballer, who dances ballet for Manchester United. He is also known for sharing his giant dildo with Wayne Rooney and Alex Ferguson. Born Christine Hamilton Ronald Shinji Ono, he was born 5th February 1985, in Madeira Wine. He has the nicknames 'Winker', due to his compulsive winking due to a stroke suffered after having his testicles detached by a James Morrison tackle, and 'Wanker', because he is a well respected masturbator. The Oxford English dictionary now accept "Cristiano Ronaldo" as a valid definition for "Ponce". His theme song goes something like ths, there aint no bugs on me, no there aint no bugs on me!♫ i can trip and fall and roll in the weeds, but there aint no bugs on me!♫ This also happens no be a version of a cotonell toilet paper song which is ironic because Ronaldo is just as useful as the toilet paper. He is extremely gay (just in case you failed to pick up on that from the bulk of the article)!
Contents |
[edit] Early Diving Career
At this point the Cristiano Ronaldo all tabloid hacks love to hate came to prominence. To get over his insecurities his mother suggested he take up diving. He took to this so well that he got the nickname cona mergulhanda (diving cunt), something that has stuck with him ever since. When the game of football came to the island of Madeira in 1997 he instantly showed he had an aptitude for the game. Scouts from all over Portugal came and marvelled at his natural silky skills but more importantly at his perfected diving skills. However, his perfect pikes and tucks with triple somersaults gave some referees the impression that he wasn't actually being fouled. To sort this out, to football club Sporting Lisbon offered him the chance to join their youth academy and learn how to dive like a real footballer should.
Although this sounded like a dream come true for Cristiano, it turned out to be a nightmare. His hideously heavy Madeiran accent (enliked by many respected linguists as being like Spanish mixed with Geordie mixed with Glaswegian after 10 cans of Special Brew) got his bullied and he cried almost incessantly for 4 years. Bizarrely, a nervous reaction was to kick people in the shins repeatedly, though this usually just resulted in him getting lamped by his cruel team mates. "Och, not only duz da wee yin gooos doon on ya way easy, the lad goos both ways an' all", said a flabbergasted Alex Ferguson after meeting Cristiano in the showers after the match. This never happened.
Ronaldo fell back, cock up in the air in dream land... "Werz ma balls!!!" the defenders always fall for that trick, they just have to let him score, Saying that the premier league is supposed to be the most interesting in the world, RONALDO with his special balls plays a tedious game where he greases the football with his endless supply of seamen - The new game - GREASE BALL Well no one said he wasn't innovative! However, Ronaldo finds it necessary to point out he is the best player in the world - well if he's the only one playing greaseball i couln't argue with that. Alot of people are jealous of Ronaldo's new found talent and United won the league in 2008 coz of a special GREASE BALL (by s.a.m)
When United won the premier league it's quite important to ronaldo to ironically slip on the floor where he began to cry, "Mummy the pain is too much to take!"
[edit] Career at Manchester United
Ronaldo after finding a 1 cent coin on the floor Cristiano Ronaldo joined Manchester United for £12.24m and instantly impressed the United fans, but quickly got the reputation of having only two tricks (the heavily repeated step over trick developed from kicking the shins of his tormentors in Lisbon and Hollywood dives). Also his temper tantrums and his new found ability to burst into tears complementing his already world-class diving and injury feigning skills cast a shadow over his undoubted talent as a footballer.
He also burst into the Portugal national squad and was right at home with fellow diving cheating scumbags. Team-mate Deco in particular felt he learnt a lot off Cristiano. "Before I lived and breathed the honourable Corinthian ideals of fair play and amateurism, though after I met Cristiano Ronaldo that all changed. I now dive in the street to get old ladies sent to prison for GBH and nice compensation package too."
He also had a cameo role in a little series of gags in Baddiel and Skinner's Fantasy Football programme entitled The Adventures of Cristiano Ronaldo, where he did his trademark ridiculous multiple step over trick in various supposed hilarious situations. What is not known is that they blatantly ripped off the idea from a series that Ronaldo starred in called Os Aventuros de Cristiano Ronaldo Mergulhando Gatão Cona dos Santos Aveiro in his native Portugal. Despite its snappy title, it bombed after its second episode where the cliffhanger was that he was crying when his mum wouldn't change his bedsheets for him after a wet dream when he was thinking about Luis Figo diving and getting a player sent off for managing to convince the referee that he had actually been anally raped by an opposing player.
Recently, several sources stated that he might be intended to transfer to Singapore League team Tampines F.C. to be their most expensive paid player (after he turns 30). He said, " I have always wanted to visit Singapore ... Beckham went to U.S.A. and I shall go to Singapore after I turn 30)
He made history. All of it. He's that good, if you listen to Alan Hansen that is, but then again, who does?
What a sucker! No one knows when he will start winking again... It's a combination of multi-tasking Ronaldo tends to do that with his mouth, balls and eyes - He only winks when his eyes are full of semen, his favourite player of all time David Semen so he can shoot load after load with an unlimited gay supply!
[edit] The invention of diving
Diving was discovered in 2003 by Christiano Ronaldo the homo (formerly 3 time world diving champion). His impressive display of dives mesmerised Man Utd manager Fergie (who he likes to bum) and prompted him to spend a club record £50 million pounds for his diving abilities. In his first two seasons of the premiership, Match of the day pundit Alan Hansen complained that Ronaldo had no "end product", he was of course referring to Ronaldo's inability to roll more than 5 times when falling to the ground when no contact has been made with the opposition's defenders and cry for longer than 10 minutes. The 2006 world cups was a major breakthrough for Ronaldo who won the "Backstabber award" for his brilliant display of showmanship against England. In his third season, however, Ronaldo finally managed to answer his critics by winning "Diver of the season" and "Football writers Diver Diver of the season" beating the likes of Drogba and Eboue. Ronaldo's triumph prompted him to release his autobiography "How to dive for dummies". It is the bestseller in Argentina, Spain, Italy and America. But then he needs to learn a lot from those cock sucking italian divers.
Christiano Ronaldo does not compare to Fabregas. He sucks fabregas's cock. He also has stated that "I wish I had one billionth of Ronaldinho's skills.
[edit] Cristiano's Pre-Match Ritual
When he's not busy roasting hookers with his great mates Nani and Anderson, Cristiano Ronaldo indulges in his secret pre-match ritual. He greases himself up with 100% Portuguese Snake Oil before every game and training session. This allows him to slip by opponents with ease. Unfortunatley it also results in him falling over quite a lot and having no end product. Portuguese Snake Oil is made using a secret recipe but can be damaging to ones health. Ronaldo's brain has been effected so much by his copious greasing that he now thinks that he can take free kicks and pass.
He is so hilariously greasy that friends and family now refer to him as "The Serpent". Recently, Ronaldo welcomed the introduction of the smoking ban, as he has had many incidents where a stray fag butt has landed on him causing him to burst into flames. Another part of his ritual is that he enjoys looking at naked men before a game because it relaxes him. He will usually practice a few dives and complains a bit to his locker, (which has the sign "referee" on it) and then decides that he is ready for the match.
While attempting to tie his shoes before a game, Ronaldo realized that he doesn't know how to. Afraid to ask for help, Ronaldo went and spent 50,000 Euros on "Vapors", being tricked by the seller that "they are easier to tie".
Afterwards, through twelve 10 hour training sessions, 246 blowjobs, 320 hookers and 662 attempts, Ronaldo tied his shoes.
Due to the time lost tieing his shoes, Sir Balex Gerfuson was very reluctant to allowing Ronaldo a starting position and allowed Ronaldo a place on the sex bench. Later after a terrific blowjob Ronaldo was allowed on the pitch! He managed to score a goal and was given a hardcore session by his manager afterwards... :)
[edit] Cristiano's Depression
After Portugals' great defeat on the Euro 2004 final against the Greek Gods of Olympus , he burst into tears. That clearly justifies all of what's written above. Reports mention he dealt with the defeat in a childish way crying to his mommy about how the "evil greeks took away the cup.." He then never ate again for several days and was locked in his room crying day and night. [citation needed]
However, it has been said that Ronaldo got immediately horny once Ferguson offered him the chance to play forward with Rooney, as Ronaldo has stated "Watching Rooney sweat is a tremendous achievment for me"
[edit] Cristiano and Fashion
Cristiano has a long-standing partnership with female clothing store, Topshop, and has been seen on numerous occasions wearing ladies blouses and carrying a handbag. We can only speculate as to what may be inside this handbag but initial reports suggest lipstick, tissues and a spare tampon. He is also known throughtout the fasion world for having the greaseist Portuguese Mudflap( his homo mullet).
[edit] World War 2
World War II, or the Second World War, was a worldwide military conflict, the amalgamation of what had initially been two separate conflicts. The first began in Asia in 1937 as the Second Sino-Japanese War; the other began in Europe in 1939 with the German invasion of Poland. This global conflict split the majority of the world's nations into two opposing military alliances: the Allies and the Axis Powers. Spanning much of the globe, World War II resulted in the death of over 70 million people, making it the deadliest conflict in human history.
World War II involved the mobilization of over 100 million military personnel, making it the most widespread war in history. The war placed the participants in a state of "total war", erasing the distinction between civil and military resources. This resulted in the complete activation of a nation's economic, industrial, and scientific capabilities for the purposes of the war effort; nearly two-thirds of those killed in the war were civilians. Nearly 11 million of these civilian casualties were victims of the Holocaust -- which was conducted by Nazi Germany -- largely in Eastern Europe and in the Soviet Union.
The Allies were victorious, and as a result, the United States and Soviet Union emerged as the world's two leading superpowers. This set the stage for the Cold War, which lasted for the next 45 years. The United Nations was formed in hopes of preventing another such conflict. The self determination spawned by the war gave rise to decolonization movements in Asia and Africa, while Europe itself began moving toward integration.
[edit] Trivia
How many times does Cristiano Ronaldo roll when faking a Foul? The latest count from www.absolutelyrealfactsnotmadeupatall.com tallies it at thirteen million times the size of his love-maker in millimetres, which still comes to a respectable 11 most days, 15 when his team is playing one with Shevchenko, the ladyman-mascot of Chelski.
It is a little known fact that Cristiano Ronaldo was an Olympic Diver world champion (years 1987 - 2004) before he stumbled across Manchester Red Sox.
He also voices the children's show character Fireman Sam
He is known to his close friends as "The Serpent"
His facial grease content is higher than that of an average mcdonalds employee.
In late 2006 he was officially diagnosed as being a cunt.
He famously killed his dog after actually falling over it, he promptly rolled around and winked at the local vet who put the pet out of its misery. It was reported the dog had been sexually abused.
From time to time he will watch David Seamen, bust nut whilst he shoots at the guys picture on the T.V screen over and over "yeh i am scorin, agen and agen" - GAY POWER!
[edit] See Also
- UnNews article featuring Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugual
- Gifted Legs Federation
- Fuck
- Gay pornstars
- Paedophile
- Rapist
Portugese Mudflap ( Ronaldo's homosexual hairstyle)
