Henry Weinhard's Root Beer

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Henry Weinhard's Root Beer is a goat-testicle flavoured, industrial strength alcohol of dubious quality. It is manufactured in Northern Oregon by a group of ninja monk angel nuns known as The Who. The drink is prized for giving the imbiber the intensely coveted ability to turn beavers into gold.

[edit] The Tediously Mundane Naming of Henry Weinhard's Root Beer

This barely drinkable cleaning product got its name partly from the primary ingredient, root beer, and partly from the great sensei "Henry Weinhard". Henry Weinhard earned his last name from his incessant whinning at summer camp, but when trying to steal a new first name from Shakespeare he failed tragically. It is an embarrassing story and he doesn't want to tell anyone about it. Inexplicably, an (allegedly) sober David Beckham tried to pry the story out of Henry. She kidnapped him and bludgeoned his head repeatedly with a crowbar. Ultimately, her interrogation proved fruitless.

[edit] How to make Henry Weinhard's Root Beer

• Obtain a rusty bathtub and fill it with honey.
• Puree some haggis and pour the foul goop into the bathtub.
• Take freshly plucked hairs off from an Abominable Snowman. Grind them into powder with a mortar and pestle.
• Wipe God's underarms with an old sock. Add it to the bathtub.
• Pour a bottle of extra slutty olive oil into the fowl-smelling concoction. If said concoction does not smell like fowl, you had best seek a mortician.
• Pour the entire mess into a recently desecrated Holy Grail and shake well.

[edit] Health Warning

Although roughly ninety percent of the planet's population temporarily gain the ability to transmute beavers into gold, those who are allergic to Abominable Snowman hairs will spontaneously combust.

[edit] Worldwide Sales

Nobody really cares about actual figures or estimates, except for maybe Republicans. However, executives are working on a fancy, yet irrelevant and poorly made, line graph to keep people happy. A preview of this graph will be unavailable in 2074, and the whole idea will probably be scrapped anyway.

One drinker of the drink says "it's beer, heavy on the root".