Ross Kemp

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Ross Kemp with what is widely regarded to be his one true love, Dot Cotton, before his fiery gaze destroyed her by accident... You Slag!

“Never ever mess with this guy, seriously, I once tried to chat him up, and well, it explains why I walked funny for a few years”

~ Oscar Wilde on Ross Kemp

“Shut it, you slaaag!”

~ Ross Kemp on all

“I'll moider da bum.”

~ Tony Galento on Ross Kemp

Ross Kemp is the world's most versatile actor and was a member of the SAS (Super Army Soldiers). He is also known in Britain as God, and has often thought to have been the father of Vin Diesel, and to have created Chuck Norris and Mr T as counter-balances to his son's powers, lest they go unchecked. He lives in Holland house.

Ross Kemp is also despised by many for creating the two most blaphemous words in existance.... "you slag"

1 Biography
2 Hiroshima
3 Filmography
4 Little known Facts about Ross Kemp
5 Quotes
6 Ross Kemp the poet
7 Spin-offs

[edit] Biography

“Shut It, You Slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on His Biography

Whilst many people have lamented Ross Kemp for his strongly British accent, and insanely unshiny yet somehow bald head, it is possibly these two traits that have given him his awesome powers, which led him to defeat Godzilla in 1962. Whilst it is widely believed that King Kong actually defeated him, it was actually that Hollywood edited out Ross Kemp as he was deemed too threatening for American audiences. If you listen closely to the original soundtrack, however, it is possibly to hear the words "YOU SLAG" very very quietly during the climatical fight scene between the two.

Whilst it is unknown when Ross Kemp was actually born, most scientists agree that it is likely to coincide around the time of the Big Bang, when the cosmic energy required to create him was still lying around. We're entirely sure about his upbringing; it is most likely that he was raised by both Michael Caine and Arnold Schwarzenegger, which would explain his accent. Not content with being God already, he wiped their minds, confined them to earth and forced them to live out lives as actors playing stereotypical roles. As Ross later discovered, fate is not without a sense of irony.

Upon creating the Universe, and tired of being worshipped, God grew bored of playing the good guy and having too much hair, so he sent his one and only son to kick ass. However, when Jesus turned out to just be a doo-gooder, God snitched on him to the Romans and sent himself, in the form of Ross Kemp instead. To disguise this fact, however, he lost all of his hair, and made his face slightly more round, so that nobody would recognize him as he wished to remain anonymous. This plan was foiled when he broke down the Berlin Wall, invaded half of Russia, killed more than two-thirds of the Red Army, and saved 59,349 innocent civilians from a nuclear attack, after which people began to grow suspicious. In a quick thinking life-saver, Ross made sure that the news footage of him was shown on ITV under the name Ultimate Force, so that people were tricked into believing it was a TV show.

Later on in life, Ross Kemp was once considered to be the frontrunner for the Democrat presidential nominee. Considering that Ross Kemp had no intention of running for President, that he is not a US national and that his name was not mentioned once by the media during the Invisible Primaries, this is pretty impressive. Ross Kemp later denied ever being a democrat at all, as he's not even left wing. In fact, Ross Kemp is extremely right-wing. So right-wing in fact that he's off the ideological spectrum, and believes in equality for everybody based on the fact that the Jewish are whining gits, and some people are gay, and in a controlled state economy based on the belief that the free market works best. He also believes in higher taxes so that public spending can be cut. He has called Augusto Pinochet a "pinko slag" and Adolf Hitler "that liberal slag".

Ross Kemp is very well known for his huge penis worldwide. Some say it is 50 inches and some say it's 500 but recent scientist's have proven it is infact 5000 inches. He has used it for many good encounters and everyone has been pleased with the results. He will live on and continue to please the female population.

Ross Kemp once saved a women from being raped by a wild pack of chimps. Ross went on to beat them with his 5000 inch penis before drinking a cool cup of hot eel cum. This then went on to become one of his greatest stories, going down in history for many hours.

It is now widely accepted that Sir Ross Kemp is not only the richest man in Britain but also the World. He claims that his time acting in ITV's hit show Ultimate Force earned him "a pretty penny." Sir Kemp has revealed that with his vast oceans of cash, he will construct the largest golden statue of himself to date.

[edit] Hiroshima

The last time Ross Kemp masturbated.

Ross Kemp has often been blamed for the tragic events that occurred in Hiroshima in 1945, when the U.S government was able to steal two individual atoms of Ross Kemp, and then rubbed them together, which generated enough awesome cosmic energy to wipe Hiroshima of the map.

Ross Kemp vehomently denies ever taking part in this, saying "I have never been an angry bald nuclear explosion, so shut it you slag!"

Hiroshima was later proven to indeed be the work of Ross Kemp when it was revealed that he had once masturbated 1,000,000 years ago, coincidently the same time that the Dinosaurs were wiped out.

[edit] Filmography

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on every film that he's never been in

The following is a list of documentaries have been made about Ross Kemp, each one portraying a different aspect of his life, and showing that he truly is the most versatile actor in the world.

Eastenders (1990-1999, 2005) - An Angry Bald Brother

Paddington Green (1998) - An Angry Bald Narrator

Ross Kemp Alive in Alaska (1999) - An Angry Bald Ross Kemp

A Christmas Carol (2000) - An Angry Bald Scrooge

The Crooked Man (2003) - An Angry Bald MI5 Photographer

Spartacus (2004) - An Angry Bald Cinna

Extras (2005) - An Angry Bald Wimp

Ultimate Force (2003-2006) - An Angry Bald Army Officer

Elizabeth - The Queen Mother (2006) - An Angry Bald Queen Mother

Khrushchev - The Motion Picture (2006) - An Angry Bald Khrushchev

Da Vinci Code (2006) - An Angry Bald Jesus

Harry Potter and the Silent Slag (tbc) (2007) - An Angry Bald Harry Potter

[edit] Little known Facts about Ross Kemp

Ross Kemp lost his hair in an unfortunate kitchen fire.

Ross kemp once broke both of his legs after falling off the eiffel tower but because he is so hard he continued to walk to the hospital FACT!

Ross Kemp headbutted a horse once.

Ross Kemp is not a slag.

Ross Kemp was once arrested for breaking the law. More specifically the laws of physics, when he ran faster than the speed of light.

Ross Kemp is bulletproof.

Ross Kemp created the world in 6 days.

Ross Kemp did have sexual relations with that woman.

Ross Kemp does not hold his breath underwater, the water breathes for him.

Ross Kemp single handedly overthrough the taliban.

Ross Kemp can sneeze with his eyes open.

Ross Kemp actually is a slag, but only on Tuesday afternoons.

Ross Kemp eats concrete for breakfast. He prefers to have Green Berets as a mid-morning snack.

Ross Kemp was once credited with creating the Vin Diesel random fact generator. This was however shown to be untrue when Ross Kemp was quoted as saying "No, I did not create the Vin Diesel random fact generator, you slag."

All of Ross Kemps scenes in Ultimate Force have to be shown in Bullet Time, so that the viewers can actually tell what is going on.

Ross Kemp is Chuck Norris-proof

Similarly, Ross Kemp is often given a sidelining role, or hardly seen throughout many episodes, as viewers complained that the terrorists were killed too quickly.

Ultimate Force episodes were also padded out by inserting Ross Kemp giving a witty anecdote or a wise cracking quote every few seconds, however, this was found not to be overly popular when viewers complained that half the show had now become Ross Kemp talking.

Ross Kemp has only one weakness; Queen Elizabeth II. It is often rumoured his desire for her is what forced God to become so human in the first place.... or some crap like that.

Ross Kemp had planning permission for his 900 foot papier mache statue of Doug Henning turned down by the London Borough of Barnet last year.

the only way to defeat Ross Kemp is to remove his eyebrows; remove just one and you impair his acting

[edit] Quotes

Here are a couple of interesting and intellectual quotes which accurately convery the wisdom and intelligence of Ross Kemp.

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Oscar Wilde

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Vin Diesel

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Terrorists

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Hitler

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Ross Kemp

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Tony Blair

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Chuck Norris

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Tom Cruise

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Gay People

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Straight People

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Democrats

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Republicans

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Osama Bin Laden

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Barney the Dinosaur

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Sgt. Johnson

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on The Republic of China

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Your Mother

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on The Universe

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Steve McFadden (also from Eastenders)

[edit] Ross Kemp the poet

“Shut it, you slag!”

~ Ross Kemp on Thomas Hardy

Contary to most peoples beliefs, which see Ross Kemp as just an actor, albeit a remarkably versatile one, Ross Kemp has been writing poetry for many years now, and has been remarked as one of the great literary composers of our century, alongside Carol Ann Duffy and Winnie the Pooh. His most famous poetic verses include 'Shut it you Slag' and 'Sonnet of Slags'.

Shut it you Slag.(1992)

"Shut it, you slag!"

Slaggerwocky (1899)

'Twas brillig, and the slaggish toves Did gyre and gimble in the bag; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths out you slag.

"Beware the Slaggerwock, you slag! The jaws that bitch, the claws that catch! Beware the Jubjub bird, and flag The frumious Bandersnatch!"

He took his vorpal pencil in hand: Long time the manxome foe he sought -- So rested he by the Tumtum tree. And stood awhile in thought.

And as in uffish thought he stood, The Slaggerwock, with eyes of flame, Came wiffling through the tulgey wood, And burbled as it came!

One, two! One, two! And through and through The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head He went galumphing back.

"And hast thou slain the Slaggerwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boy! frabjous day! Callooh! You're Gay!!" He chortled in his joy.

'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the bag; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths out you slag!.

Sonnet of Slags. (1754)

My dear fair Maria, love finds me oh so sweet,

My love for you my dear, I always must brag,

However, I found, that with Phil you did cheat,

so now I must say, Shut it you Slag!

I can't believe I trusted you, after you said,

the reason you were tired, was cause of Jet Lag,

I feel so betrayed, and now I must dread,

that all I can say is "Shut it, you slag!"

I used to adore you, but now I don't know,

now that Phil told me, you two had a shag,

such news came to me, as a heavy blow,

now all I can say is "Shut it, you slag!""

[edit] Spin-offs

Following the phenomenal success of Ross Kemp on Gangs, Sky announced the following one-off specials to be aired sometime whenever they have a hole in their schedule: