Royal Marines

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The Royal Marines were invented by the British government in 1972 to help relieve the infamous "European Best-bitter lake" which resulted from the United Kingdom merging with France and Fiji to form the European Union.Inspired after watching the film "The Dirty Dozen",then Prime Minister Sir John Cleese decided to form an Elite military unit based along similar lines to that featured in the film.Founder members of the Royal Marines include Sir Winston Churchill,Kris Kristofferson and surprisingly Wayne Newton.

Famously the toughest regiment of the British Royal Navy,the Royal Marines complete their gruelling Commando training in sunny Devon.The first 15 weeks of Commando training are traditionally undertaken drunk whereas the final 17 weeks are completed whilst hung-over.Once completed the newly trained Marine is issued with his famous,coveted Green Beret.This is equivalent to a City and Guilds in Snergling or a Grade 3 N.V.Q in advanced Ale hiding.

[edit] History

The Royal Marines quickly established themselves in military circles throughout the world,getting themselves barred from Germany in 1952 for being "in charge of a shire horse whilst under the influence of Fred Astaire",then a capital offence in rural Germany.They famously,although briefly, helped to topple President Nixon of the U.S.A due to a typing error caused by excessive cuffing at the central orders unit.No medals were awarded for this mishap.The corps has an ethos of derring-do unmatched by any other force in the world hence the British governments insistence on issuing all Royal Marines with a yearly supply of three sets of clean underpants,as opposed to the Army's two.It is for this reason alone that Marines are often referred to as cress-ticklers.

The Royal Marines played an active part in all four World Wars despite being created some forty seven years after the conclusion of the fourth.They were instrumental in the re-capture of Australia.So Brilliant were their commanders,Sir George yes and Lieutenant-Colonel Mustard-No-Really,that the recapture took place some 15 months before the planned invasion by Albanian forces under General Jurgan Klinsmann,allowing many Marines to see out the war as extras on Neighbours.

It is rumoured that Royal Marines cannot "think" and "walk" at the same time.

[edit] Recent Operations

The Royal Marines have been involved in several sexy operations over the past few years. Most notably, the recent Operation Wee-Wee in Norway. This operation involved a number of Marines storming a Norwegian bar, which was under siege by terrorists, and then proceeding to get as pissed as possible and then urinate on each other. Please note, that there was more than likely oral sex involved too.

[edit] In Civilian Life

If you ever meet a Royal Marine in civvy street, do not trust him. He may seem like a normal person - but he is not, he is simply pretending. If you are ever in a lisenced establishment with a Royal Marine, then leave promptly or you may end up naked on a gym mat with a pint of sick in your hand.