Rozen Maiden
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| Rozen Maiden | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer | WTF inc. |
| Release Date | like the hounds on a black man |
| Genre | Lolita |
| Platforms | your computer. |
| Rating | On the Pedobear penis scale, it registered "Semi-hard" |
| Would Gordon Brown play it? | He walked into his room with the DVD box set and some kleenex. I don't think he's coming out for quite a while... |
Rozen Maiden is about a month named June and his hunt to try and buy all the other months of the calender. However, instead of eBay, he shopped on Amazon and received an anime blowup doll instead. This doll was known as a Rozen Maiden, and he soon found that the Rozen Maidens aren't ordinary blowup dolls, as they are meant to have their orifices filled with broken glass and rusty nails instead of lube. Oh yeah, and they're also alive and have fights to the death. June was enthralled with his new purchase, as it perfectly fit his masochistic and emo needs. He also received a Kunkun doll as well when trying to order the super special awesome seventh doll. But he had sex with it anyway.
Contents |
[edit] History
The Rozen Maidens were first discovered in Finland in the year 1911 by Chef Boyardee. They are thought to have been made as early as 1492 when Colonel Sanders sailed to the Americas for the 11 secret herbs and spices. Finland was apart of the Americas at this time, as history books will seldom mention. But hey: Why pay $30 dollars for some snothead to tell you how history went when you can get the NEW AND IMPROVED TRUTH from me?
Rozen Maidens are thought to be the first (and only) amazingly orgasmic sex toy used by the Native Finlandians. Though it was painful for them to use and often led to Metal Gonorrheal Syphilitis, they enjoyed this new product far more than they let on. Chief Hakflenguken was once quoted as saying, "It's the best thing since humping cats!". This statement is probably accurate, as women were not considered appropriate sex partners until as late as 1683.
[edit] Plot
Just about every part of Rozen Maiden relates to the struggle to find the Rosae Mysticae.
[edit] Season 1
In season one, Jun, a schoolboy, finds a mysterious red-clad doll. She calls herself Shinku and attempts to find her sisters before they become straight. Shinku is a lesbian, obviously. Later, Jun meets her sister, whom calls herself "Suigintou" and proceeds to shoot at her sister with her (the former) wings (which transformed into machine guns for this special occasion). Shinku gets pissed. She hunts down her other three sisters, Hina, Sui, and Sou. They go off on a rampage to go kill Suigintou.
Got it so far? No? Me neither, now shut up.
Okay. So, Shinku has three of her sisters together, and is confronted with an evil sister who lives in the mirror... Did I mention Suigintou lives in the mirror? Yes, that's right. I was not taking drugs while watching this. Got it? Okay. So, what do Shinku and her sisters do in the face of such peril?!
They do what anyone would do in this position - have tea and crumpets while watching cartoons and draw on the floor with crayons. Originally, the series was to contain Tom and Jerry as the cartoon show. However, rights could not be obtained for this, so the creators created their own show. It stars a peanut-shaped dog called Kun-Kun, who is also a puppet, who travels around the universe solving mysteries and humping female dogs. It is called "Detective Boy" which, ironically, does not feature a boy. It has a fuckin' dog! Get it? I don't.
So, Shinku finally has a masterplan. Meanwhile, Suigintou tries to destroy the brain of an old man who thought Sou was his grandson. Shinku finds the perfect time to strike. She corners Suigintou in the forest. Did I mention that the forest exists in the crazy old man's mind? Sui tries to water some tree, but it doesn't grow. Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I think that Shinku proceeds to use her incredible mind to tear Suigintou's clothes apart and set Suigintou on fire. That could have been part of the dream. But it makes sense. We learn that Suigintou does not have a body. Her body is made of pure anger. Did I mention Suigintou is a doll? Yeah, and not an anatomically correct one at that! I know, it sucks.
Oh, and just then, the season ends.
[edit] Season 2
This season starts with the two gay lovers, Laplace and Enju. They have created an eighth doll, Barasuishou, to kill all the other dolls to obtain their Rosae Mysticae. Or have sex with them. I forget. As to why two gay lovers created a female doll is never revealed, but might be in the third season. Anyhow, it seems that the last two sisters of Shinku have awakened, so we all know what that means...
Yes, even Suigintou wants some - which is why she teamed up with Barasuishou. So, she goes on a rampage and kills Hina, Kanaria(Did I mention the new one that no one cares about? No? Well no one cares anyway.), Sui, and Sou. I kinda zoned out at this point. It ends when Shinku defeats Barasuishou and they go watch that peanut-shaped dog on TV. At this time, the season ends.
[edit] Season 3
At some point in the distant past this article referred to a current event.
Released on December 22, 2006 and ended on December 23 (because the producers/artists/writers were too lazy to make more than 2 episodes). It features Suigintou as the main character. Her quest is to find out what happened to her stash of yakult and kill anybody who gets in her way. For some reason, Suigintou turned into a whining emo, yet it makes her even better in the eyes of the fans.
- just a ova...not 3rd season
[edit] Characters
Little information can be given about the characters at this time due to the loose character development. However, we do know they are all extremely creepy and most of them are probably gay.
[edit] Dolls
- Suigintou - Evil-looking bitch. Wings turn into machine guns. Gains her power from a dying girl. I told you she was evil! Still don't believe me? You suck.
- Kanaria - Crazy bitch with a violin and an umbrella. Likes birds and tends to sic pigeons on people. She wears the biggest pair of puffy pants I have ever seen. She is in constant combat for screen time with princess peach.
- Suiseiseki - Girl with green irises, but suffers from eternal pink eye (EPE), a newly discovered STD. Has a watering can that turns into a sniper rifle. Really likes to say desu. Starred in a hentai in the second season with her sister, but the scene was cut because it sucked.
- Souseiseki - Similar in appearance to Sui. Has a pair of scissors that turns into a broadsword. Sou is a she, but looks like a guy. Contracted EPE from her sister. Claims it was from the hentai scene, but reports show that she had a tendency to buy a single green contact lens from time to time well before hand.
- Shinku - Very British girl. Enjoys tea and crumpets. Uses psychic powers in the form of roses to fight... and rip her sisters' clothes off. Said to be related to Princess Zelda, but the evidence is lacking, at best.
- Princess Peach - Annoying little girl. Gets killed early on but somehow comes back and dies again in the 2nd season. Still hasn't noticed Daisy's many assassination attempts.
- Barasuishou - A pirate that somehow found her way into the show. Kills practically all the girls. Was made by the two gay lovers. Lacks a right eye. Your right. Her left. No, not that one!
- Kirakishou - The real seventh doll. Was created by Father, who may or may not be the gay lover of Laplace and Enju. Much about her remains unknown.
- Barbie - Lives in a dream house with her convertible VW and pool with other cool and neat gadgets. Was tentacle raped to death in episode one.
- G.I. Joe - A super special awesome action figure (action figures are way cooler than dolls) that fought in Nam while killing commie bastards. She went M.I.A. in the second season after getting a fire cracker up the ass.
- Chucky - An evil doll that was reincarnated from the ghost of some serial killer or some crazy shit like that. No one really knows. She was fired from the anime after episode 5 after decapitating the co-producer.
- Rei Ayanami - "I am not a doll."
[edit] Humans
- June: Found Shinku. Became emo after someone made fun of him for being smart or a good with a needle or something like that. Either way, he spends the rest of the anime whining about it and getting kicked in the shins..
- Nori: Jun's sister. Dreams of having sex with her little brother, among other people and objects. She plays lacrosse, a game intended to turn women into lesbians. It's quite successful.
- Rei Ayanami: A giant naked albino 14 year old girl that, for whatever reason, keeps showing up in random animes. This one is no different. Owner of Princess Peach, until Peach went crazy, took Rei into the mirror world, and raped her with her strawberry plant power while screaming, "Who's the doll now, bitch? Huh? HUH!?"
- Father: A man named Rozen. If this doesn't creep you out, consider the fact that he's a sex slave to his seven creations on his off-days.
- Laplace: The gay lover of Enju. Secretly a Priest of the Temples of Syrinx. Also has the screechiest voice you'll ever hear from a guy.
- Enju: The gay lover of Laplace. But he's got a scratchy voice, and that badass train, so it's all good.
- Laplace's Demon: Wait... can I actually list this under humans? I can? Whatever. Anyway, Laplace's demon is a giant rabbit. So what? You wanna fight about it? Thought to be the precursor to the Playboy logo.
[edit] Links
- PEACH-PIT The drunken, gay creators of Rozen Maiden
- Rozen Maiden "Official" anime website of first season
- Rozen Maiden Anime Official anime website of the second season and third season
