Rubber duck
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- This article is about the North American bird Rubber duck. For the toy, see Rubber Duck.
“Rubber Ducky, you're... the one”
~ Morpheus on Rubber Ducky
“Rubber Ducky in my tubby”
~ Ernie on Rubber Duckies in his tub
The rubber duck or duckie (Anas polymerus) is a species of ducks, originating in North America but now spread far and wide (see migration below).
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[edit] Here Comes A Warning
[edit] WARNING:
[edit] Possible Insanity
The rubber duck with its cute chubbyness, Attracts many people to buy one, Then two then three then four then five then 6,7,8,9,10 and so on Christopher Jones is the world record holder with 2,000,000 ducks to many ducks may lead you to a possible hommicide attempt or suicide attempt due to the overexcessive amount of c02 produced by these creatures. rubber ducks often bloat up while in danger causing you to lose it when watching a horror movie about killer rubber ducks from inside the bathtub. Rubber ducks have addapted to human killing strategies and to counter it they simply use their rubbery substance and no bodily parts to their advantage by flinging the bullet into the crotch of its attacker.
[edit] Natural habitat
The rubber duck's natural habitat is the bathtub ("tubbie"), where it exists in a symbiotic relationship with the facility's somewhat-reluctant other residents, human children (Homo woo woo be doo). These peculiar beings exert all their pent-up anger on the ducks; in objection to which the ducks can do little more than quack meekly. It is unclear how the ducks benefit from this relationship. It has been suggested that being held underwater by a screaming toddler helps scare predators away, the only problem with this idea is what about the vultures????
[edit] Phenotype
The ducks' physique is dominated by their fierce yellow colour. This is remarkable, as such a bright colour is sure to attract predators, to say nothing of naughty children. Some have attributed this shade to the handicap principle, according to which yellow ducks get better parking spots; other have reasoned that the ducks are merely painted this way. Another curious trait of the ducks is their floating ability, which, while allowing them to stay above water indefinitely, entirely prevents them from submerging on their own. While it has long been thought that rubber ducks simply cannot submerge, recent experimentation has shown that, when strapped to 1-ton lead weights, rubber ducks can, in fact, submerge. A curious advantageous side effect is that the experimenter's 3-year-old son did not speak to him for hours after this experiment took place, keeping very quiet after being told that "duckie" is now sleeping with the fishes.
Rubber duck procreation is one of nature's greatest mysteries.
[edit] Migration
Rubber ducks are one of the few species to have fully adapted to modern-day containerization. They frequently migrate by the crateful, alongside well-worn paths from wholesale to retail, before reaching their tubbish resting place.
[edit] Cooking
Rubber ducks have the unfortunate tendency to melt when cooked at length. Thus, a light broiling is preferred. Certain North American suburban tribes serve rubber ducks alongside ceremonial mud cakes.
(Note: it is illegal to cook rubber ducks.)
[edit] Folklore
Rubber ducks, cute and yellow and chubby, are said to make bath time lots of fun. Thus, many people feel that they're awfully fond of them, and sing about it at length while other people are trying to get some sleep.
It is also widely believed that you've got to put down the duckie if you wanna' play the saxophone.
[edit] Endangered Species Act
Rubber ducks are not covered by the Endangered Species Act, seeing as, unfortunately, they do not face immediate extinction. They ought to be.
