Rubix cube
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- For other uses, please see Rubik's Cube.
“God Dammit!!! How do you solve this thing???”
~ You on Rubix Cube
“It is the easist thing in the world, unless you count Einstein's theory of relativity...”
~ Geeks and Nerds on Rubix Cube
“Ha! I could solve one of those in about ten seconds!”
~ Harvard graduate on Rubix Cube
“So could I!”
~ Guy with a screwdriver & glue on Rubix Cube
“I'm dead and Asian, why can't I solve it?”
~ Chairman Mao on Rubix Cube
“In Soviet Russia, Rubix Cube solve YOU!!'”
~ -Russian Reversal on Rubix Cube
“Using the powwer of time travel(and not daylight savings ending) I could solve it before I scrambled it.”
~ srn347 on rubik's cube
The Rubix Cube (also known as the Rubik's cube) is a torture device created by vengeful mathematicians, in a hastily-thought out plan to enact revenge on the normal people of the world for not caring enough about them. To solve the cube, you must either have no life and have all the 6 sides of the cube have a solid color. However, when it is not solved correctly (Taking off the stickers or taking the cube apart and re-arranging them would be examples of this), the cube (and you) asplodes.
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[edit] History of the Rubix Cube
The problems began long before the actual invention of the Rubix cube. Mathematicians wee using their billiant genius-powers to solve major world problems. Unfortunately, nobody cared.
The scientist to finally do something about this was Dr. Mindbender, who had recently discovered a way to convert junk mail, test-taking thought processes, and excersise machine-usage into energy.
“I thought, 'no way this could fail. Everybody likes energy,' don't they?”
~ Dr. Mindbender on Dr. Mindbemder's Application
Unfortunately, the process, which he called Mindbender's Application, was so immensely complex that nobody with an IQ below 500 could even grasp the basic concept. Frustrated, he turned to politicians to help promote his theory.
“Then I assumed politicaians could help me out. I mean, come on! Politicians don't care about understanding things! They just want to look like they're doing worthwhile stuff in office!”
~ Dr. Mindbender on getting his Application known
Yet even more unfortunately, politicians chose not to back him up, since they feared that people would react to it in the same way thy reacted to Bush's Medicare plan.
Angry at Life, the Universe, and Everything, Dr. Mindbender decided to capitalize on people's simplicity, and invented a sinister, six-sided device that would be incredibly popular, and yet still impossible to solve.
After it's invention, the Rubix Cube became an instant Success, and everyone wnted to buy them, even though nobody could solve them. In this way, Dr. Mindbender got his private little revenge on the world, though in a way that only he really understands.
[edit] Common Solutions
There are several known solutions to the Rubik's cube. Here is a list of several:
- Carefully pop off the pieces with a spoon and put them back together properly.
- Find someone who looks smart to do it for you.
- If the particular cube has flimsy stickers, then peel them off and stick them back on in order.
- Dip it in paint.
- First, solve for the first layer by first making a + with the middle cube (white is best as it stands out) and the edge cubes. Make sure they line up. Next, get the corners in. After that, solve for the second and easiest layer. The final layer is hardest. First you must get a cross using the FRUR'U'F' and FURU'R'F' maneuvers. Then position them correctly. Once that is done, you must get the corners in the right position but not necessarily rotated properly. A final couple of maneuvers performed up to four times will orient the corners and voila! It is messed up even more.
- First join a math team competing in the American Regions Math League Then you must find Macky in the contest. From here the path splits. You can either become a crazed fangirl and take pictures with him until he solves it for you. You can cause him to repetitively lose the game until he just solves it for you.
- Use the Pythagoras Theorum to solve the cube.
- Put it back were you found it and never go back to it again. Chances are that you will not be able to remember the way how it goes, so you should just leave it. Or throw it at a Chavez or whatever...
- Although these solutions have been scientifically proven, most scholars agree that the best way to solve the Rubik's cube is to buy a new one.
- Position and orient the centers (the other pieces will be automatically positioned and oriented when this is accomplished).
- Smash it with a large hammer
- Glue it back together with Rubik's glue.
[edit] Caution!
Some Rubik's Cubes have been found to be hyper-spacial objects similar to the Tardis, designed as keys to unlock pathways into different dimensions when solved. Unfortunately, many of them are designed as maximum security prisons containing some very nasty people and things. One such box contained a gang of violent street punks sad emo orthodox fleshsacks calling themselves "The Cohenobytes." They have been linked to numerous acts of song, dance, whiney protest songs, fish tasting, and gopher poking.
Massive Rubik's Cubes have also been built by the New World Order to serve as, uh... some kind of security system probably, and all the rooms are riddled with booby traps and stuff. In this case, the Giant Rubik's Cube of Death has only been solved by one person, an idiot savant, though the cute college student and the architect who made the damned thing almost made it until the crazy pig got to them. This is actual government footage of a test subject sucumbing to one of the mechanisms [1].
[edit] Rubix Cube as torture device
The Rubix Cube is also a popular torture device, most notably used by the Germans during World War II. The tortureer will give a scrambled one to a prisoner, and tell them that they can go free once the cube is solved. Prisoners have been known to drive themselves insane trying to finish the "impossibly simple" puzzle.
Also, if your prisoner happens to be really smart, you can guarantee that he'll never solve the cube by painting one of the blue squares red, and one of the red squares blue. Presto! An unsolvable Rubix's cube!
[edit] Alternative Rubix Cube Models
- Zen Cube- Identical to a standard Rubix cube, but all the sides are the same color.
- Sudocube- A Rubix cube with no colors, but with a sudoku puzzle printed on the outside. The National Psychiatric Council is on record as naming the Sudocube as a direct factor in up to 15,000 cases of violent insanity in 2006 alone.
- Tic-Tac-Cube- A simpler version of the Sudocube.
- Sudden Death Rubix Cube- A Rubix cube with a timer activated as the first block leaves starting position. If the user has not solved the cube within a set amount of time, the user suddenly dies, usually by spontaneous combustion.
- Rubix Pyramid- Resarchers are still debating just how it works.
- Weird Rubix Ball Thing- Sent to earth by Satan himself, it looks innocent enough on the outside, some turny bits with colors, some actually consider it easier then regular rubix cubes, but this one holds a sinister secret, while fiddling around with it, one would discover it posseses the ability to turn itself inside out to reveal even more colored pieces, and while it may lookd solved on the outside, you still have to do it again, under no sircumstances should one attempt to solve these, don't touch it, don't even look at it, you have been warned
[edit] Other uses for this Cube of Futility
Other suggested uses are as varied as:
- A secret code that, when unscrambled, tells you where the diamonds are buried.
- A drug.
- A nuke cleverly disguised as an innocent cube.
- The first mail bomb employed by the terrible Pat Sajak during his infamous "Tour of Sodomy."
- A drug.
- An educational tool designed to prepare young men, through its impossible nature to solve, for their long lives of being unable to satisfy a single woman.
- A device used to summon creatures from other planets.
- A drug.
- A power source for the Power Rangers.
- A pesticide.
- Not a drug.
- A bastard who stabs you in the back and goes dating your girlfriend.
- A stimulant (which is a type of drug)
- Still a drug.
- Chick Magnet (Its the truth; I'm speaking from experience)
- And yet still a drug (do you see its mysteriousness yet?)
- A drug
- A patch for boat leaks
- A weapon (If you throw it hard enough you could get somebody's eye out - and they're fun to cut up into millions of tiny pieces)
- Satan's Devil Box
- A way to commit suicide (if you throw it hard enough at a mirror it will come right back at you).
- A place to put your kittens before you huff them, which involves getting high, which usually involves a drug.
- A Pokeball
- A drug
- A carrot
- A drug
- Santa Claus in disguise
- A drug
- Zeus' thunderspear
- And did we mention a drug yet?
