Rugby League
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“Get off me you rapist!”
~ Women on Rugby League players
“BORING!”
~ Rugby League on Rugby union
“Mungoes!”
~ Rugby Union on Rugby league
“Pussies!”
~ Rugby league on AFL
“Rugby What?”
~ AFL on Rugby League
“We’re so cool”
~ Soccer people on Soccer
“Get the hell out of our country!”
~ Rugby league and Rugby union and AFL on Soccer
“I love my Footy!”
~ Billy Idol on Rugby League whilst riding a hovercraft
“What a crunching tackle he really put some hurt into that one.”
~ Ray Warren on every tackle made in every game that he commentates
“Rugby YOU RULE!.”
~ Me on Rugby in general
“Rugby is a sick game that dominates AFL”
~ Everyone on Rugby League and Rugby Union
“Oi Tekemattatmaphucka lets play some fully sick league ay bro.”
~ Polynesians on Rugby league
Rugby League is a game played by individuals of questionable sexuality (Pat Waddington in particular), populating the eastern states of Straiya, New South Wales and Queensland, Papua New Guinea, and Northern England. Rugby League was invented as an alternative for athletes who didn't want the type of rough homosexual love that occurs in rugby union, but tend to dabble. In much of the developed world, rugby union is rugby league’s arch-enemy.
Contents |
[edit] History of the Game
[edit] Birth
The game of Rugby League was created in 1908 when a rugby union player was injured on a weekend tackle-a-thon, was unable to turn up to work on Monday, and did not get workers compo - totally contrary to the Straiyan spirit of "fair go, maaaate". As a result, a new organisation called New South Wales Rugby League (NSWRALIA) was established to cater for those people who are not rich enough to just play rugby on the weekend without pay (tough luck, really). Hardly, RL originated in England ...
[edit] Growth of the Game
It started as a lump...
Originally, two teams contested the inaugural premiership: South Sydney Rabbits and Newtown Bluebags (later renamed Hip-Cool Cappucino Sippers). It soon expanded to an 8-team premiership as rugby players quickly realised that they get paid for actually playing rugby league. The rugby union hierarchies gave those rebel players slaps on the wrist by banning them for life. Many of them were inconsolable, and turned to drastic measures to maintain what little sanity they have left.
[edit] Golden Era
The lure of paid weekend entertainment soon proliferated the working-class of Sydney, and not before long (well, almost 90 years), 20 teams contested the 1995 premiership, from places far and wide such as Perth and Brisbane (although critics suggested that a team from Auckland is, literally, taking it too far).
[edit] Uncle Rupert
Uncle Rupert from Lews Nimited decided he liked rugby league so much that he’d make his own competition called ‘’’Super Greed’’’. As a result the game almost died.
[edit] Today
Today, the premier rugby league competition is run by the NRL, or “New South Wales and no other states allowed Rugby League” (not to be confused with Naval Research Laboratory). Other terms for it is "Night-clubbers & Rapists League" or just simply "National Rapists League". It has to be considered as, "one of the most 'male physical' sports in Australia and I like it"- MP Bob Brown AFL and League still fight a lot over who is the most 'homosexual' game, but we all know league is as it's men on men for 40 minutes.
[edit] International Scene
Rugby League is the most popular game in the world and is played by everyone, all of the time. No other sports exist. Just close your eyes and cover your ears, clap and count to three.
[edit] The Nazis
Rugby league was by far the most popular professional sport in Europe until a series of rugby league hating communist, Nazi and fascist governments outlawed the game in almost every super power including: Russia (world champions, 1917), Germany (European 13 nations series winners, 1926), and Italy (2nd 19 times in a row, European 13 nations series, 1902 - 1921).
By the late 1938 the vast majority of Europe's premier league players had been rounded up and either executed of locked up in the infamous "league training camps" at the pleasure of Nazi Germany. A fee was paid by the German administration for each league player brought in. this fee contributed a significant part (16%) of Italy's 1937 budget surplus, allowed Germany and Italy to form a close relationships. and enabled them to enter World War II as the Axis Alliance.
The idea of "league training camps" has once again reared it's ugly head in Australia (of all places) where public outcry is forcing the government to take steps against rampaging rugby league players wreaking havoc on Friday night society, Canterbury Troublemakers being the main offenders.
[edit] Clubs
[edit] Current Clubs
The NRL currently features at least 16 teams, possibly more. NRL adminstrators aren’t really sure how may teams there are because they once set up a few teams in Adeliade and Perth but haven’t bothered to go over and check their progress. These are the current teams that we know of:
| Club | Premierships | Notes |
|---|---|---|
| Auckland Worriers | Should have at least 1, possibly less | Guys from over the ditch |
| (My Little) Brisbane Ponies | More than many. About 6. | In bed with Uncle Rupert, Oh Yeaaaaaaaah! |
| Canberra Horny-People | Were good in the late 80s, early 90s. Kind of like Guns N' Roses | Politics is boring |
| Canterbury Puppies | Won the premiership while cheating the salary cap about 20 times. But they're still the greatest team to ever walk the damn planet. | Fine citizens in the community |
| Cronulla Nemos | When dogs learn how to speak Ancient Greek (never) | Strong hatred of St. George Dragqueens and Canterbury Puppies. |
| Eastern Suburbs Chickens | Loads, but there will never be any more. | Formerly known as Trendy Latte Sippers |
| Gold Coast Giants/Seagulls/Gladiators/Chargers/Dolphins/Titans | As many as it has team names, divided by zero (that would equal infinity). | Team plans to fold at least twice through the season. |
| Manly Pigeons | I dunno. Lets say 6 (or however many they can buy off of the ref) | Everyone hates Manly. |
| [Melbourne Sun showers] | It's Melbourne, so not very many
are taking over AFL as the main sport. should go get a life! | |
| Newcastle Tin-Man Ripoffs | 2 | Are poor without Andrew Johns. (Despite his contriversies) |
| Parramatta Worms | Probably about five. | Everybody loves to hate the worms. The Boogeyman's favourite team. Possibly. |
| Penrith Pussy's | About 2. | I’ve got nothing |
| South Sydney Brusiers | The South Sydney Brusiers enjoyed unrivalled success by winning 20 premierships but haven’t won one (or a game) since 1971 | Despite this they’ve still attracted investments from international phone-throwing champion Mr. Russell Crowe. Training has since been kept strictly behind closed doors, and the team’s major sponsor for the 2007 season is rumoured to be Nokia. Formerly known as the South Sydney Killer Rabbits & Bunnies. |
| St George Dragqueens | Won like a bajillion in a row yonks ago. | Is like Elle McPherson, old but pleasing on the eye. Choke weekly. |
| North Queensland Brodebacks (pending endorsement from Mr. Ang Lee) | None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. | South Queensland is nice this time of year. |
| Wests Kittens | 1 | And two became one. |
[edit] Former Clubs
Some clubs are no longer with us because Uncle Rupert from Lews Nimited had them exterminated by Teletubbies because they weren’t making quite enough money.
These groups are as follows:
- Balmain Fighters
- Dubbo Zoos
- Hobart Brewers
- Illawarra Tin-Man
- Nerang/Birrong CityRail Trains
- Newtown Hip-Cool Cappucino Sippers
- North Sydney Labradors
- South Queensland/Towoomba Fuckers
- Sydney University Hooters
- Western Suburbs Bogans
- Wet Toast Whatevers
- Wingham High Wankers
May they Rest in Peace. Or Pieces.
[edit] Rugby League Commentary
Only a very select few of the wisest and most charismatic people in the world are ever allowed to commentate during a game. At the time of typing those people were Ray "Rabs" Warren, Paul "Fatty" Vautin, Phil “Gus” Gould and Chicka Dostoyevsky. A typical commentary dialogue will go as follows:
- Gould: “Oh yeah baby. Like I said at the start the best team is [insert: New South Wales/ Roosters/ Dragons].”
- Warren: "Turn it up."
- Gould: “Oh yeah baby.”
- Warren: "Turn it up, Fatman."
- Vautin: “Turn it up yourself, Rabs."
- Gould: “Oh yeah baby. Like I said at the start the best team is [insert: New South Wales/ Roosters/ Dragons].”
- etc
This is why watching Rugby League is such an enjoyable experience that doesn't make you want to remove and stir fry your own testicles. It is planned in 2008 that Chicka Dostoyevsky will be replaced on the commentary panel because he hasn't made a contribution since he died in 1881.
Years ago the best RL commentary was provided in England by Eddie "eeeh its an up and under" Waring or in Australia by the master of tautology Rex "a head high tackle to the solar plexus" Mossop. The best in recent years are the calls by Roy & HG.
[edit] Greatest Players
Rugby League players who reach a certain level of skill, speed and stamina automatically transform into "immortals". The immortalisation process starts in their pants and then spreads both north and south. Below is the list of immortals:
1. Wally Lewis
3. Brad "chips likes there's no tomorrow" Fittler
4. Your Dad
6. Doctor Who
7. Ned Kelly
9. Tutankhamen
10. Bruce Mamando
Once inducted into the "immortals hall of fame", these special players are afforded the privileges of a staff car and dental plan. Andrew Johns is not allowed to be an immortal because he is from Cessnock.
[edit] Rugby League Spirituality
Over the years Rugby League has developed its own culture and in 1965 separated from the rest of Australia. The commonwealth of rugby league (CRL) was established in the same year and a constitution established shortly after. The laws of rugby league differ only slightly from those of mainland Australia. For example, sodomy is the conventional form of greeting in the CRL. This can be performed digitally if you are really good mates.
[edit] Women in Rugby League
Rugby League loves women and has done a lot to make them feel included. An initiative of rugby league was to take away the negative publicity surrounding wife-beating by rebranding the past time as "heavy cuddling". The success of this initiative led to several others, most notably the "gang rape / tickle attack" promo of the late nineties. The Canterbury Toublemakers proved to be the most effective club in this campaign, especially after the heavy group orgies and rapes of 1999 – 2003, the longest time any team has held the mantle.
[edit] A Tool of Mind Control
As with all sports, Rugby League is basically an advertising vehicle. The mindless unquestioning worship of the game and its logo-encrusted troglodyte participants is drilled into the public consciousness relentlessly by the media on behalf of their corporate masters who have a financial interest in the events. Due to the sheer volume of sport promotion propaganda pumped out daily (often masquerading as "news") it is accepted by a gullible population as having some sort of real-world significance. Convinced that they will be subjected to public ridicule by their peers for failure to follow the sport, the public dutifully line up for tickets. The game itself serves merely as a distraction so that the advertising banners surrounding the field will have a stronger subliminal effect.
