Rupert Murdoch
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Rupert "Rupert Murdoch" Murdoch, born in 1901, Aberystwyth, South territory - Australia, is the controller of Fox News, Sky TV and numerous tabloids all over the world. He has always been the Director-General of the Ministry of Truth and owns most of the western world.
His interests include stamping on fluffy kittens, Huffing Kittens, stealing human souls and sudoku. His favourite food is babies and would like to meet someome of similar interests for fun, romance and maybe more...
Operating from his 7-story council house in Croydon, Murdoch survives by licking the mould from damp rocks. This means Murdoch, and his life-partner Chewbacca, would be extremely malnourished if it were not for their daily feed of the aforementioned human souls (which are actually quite juicy and nutritious).
He also controls the famous nastiness for the MySpace name, watching the mentally ill ones that they participate of this community.
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[edit] The Boy Who Lived
Ruptert's story begins with the conspicuous celebration of a normally secretive wizarding world. For many years, it had been terrorised by the evil wizard, Lord Voldemort. The previous night, on 31 October, Voldemort discovers the Murdoch family's hidden refuge, killing Elisabeth and Keith Murdoch. However, when he attempts to murder their infant son, Rupert, the Avada Kedavra killing curse he casts rebounds upon him. Voldemort's body is destroyed, but his spirit survives: he is neither dead nor alive. Meanwhile, the orphaned Rupert is left with a distinctive lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead, the only physical sign of Voldemort's curse. Rupert is the only known survivor of the killing curse, and Voldemort's mysterious defeat causes the wizarding community to dub Rupert "The Boy Who Lived".
[edit] History
Murdoch himself was born in Melbourne, Australia, but has since moved to the Heavens to look down on his joint creation with God. Rupert Murdoch inherited much of the media from his Dad, and, as he grew older, bought it all. After getting a PhD in Propaganda and How To Indoctrinate The Entire Population Of Earth Into Thinking Whatever The Fuck You Feel, Murdoch resumed his position as Ultimate Leader Of The Media, and soon managed to be a total bastard. He now owns the media of the UK, USA, Australia, Middle Earth, Russia and just about everywhere else.
[edit] Family
Murdoch's parents were born in Australia, but emigrated to Mordor after their extended family were killed by evil bloodsucking communists. However, there exists a theory that Murdoch was not actually born but was grown on the back of some kind of space turtle. When questioned about this theory, Murdoch seemed unwilling to discuss the subject, preferring to retreat into his scaly, scaly shell.
Murdoch has no children, but has several thousand eggs waiting to hatch all over the globe. To date, only one such egg has hatched: that of the Taco Nazi. Murdoch promptly disowned his son when he came out as a bread-based tapas acoutriment.
Murdoch is the third cousin (once removed) of Baron Greenback.
[edit] Employment
20th Century doctors diagnosed Murdoch with "being a total wanker," and forced him to work in The Acid Mines for 6 years. However, Murdoch was fired from this job for eating his co-workers. During the investigation, however, Murdoch was acquitted of all charges due to the Judge's "new financial situation". The Judge now owns Jamaica.
In 1979, he stumbled on the new art of 'making tabloids that lie about stuff'; he now contends, however, that no newspaper under his control has ever printed anything other than the plain, unvarnished truth, but that reality is often found to be erroneous.
Murdoch currently keeps the Earth spinning on behalf of God himself. At one point in the eighties he gave an ultimatum to the governments of the world that he would stop the world spinning, thus crippling the world economic franchise (and killing every living thing on the planet), unless they stroked him provocatively.[edit] Recent Acquisitions
Well on his way to total control of the world's media, Murdoch most recently paid to catsrate the only free business news outlet, Dow Jones, which he plans to use exclusively as the newspaper and magazine arm of his first media venture, Al-Jazeera. "I've always been fond of my old, arabic television roots. They do reality TV so much better over there. Unfortunately, 'American Infidel' just didn't seem to get off the ground in the states; I don't think viewers responded particularly well when we beheaded Kelly Clarkson".
[edit] Great Inventions
Murdoch invented the Dildo.
[edit] His Relationship with Asylum Seekers
Many recent political theorists have noted that being an immigrant himself, Murdoch would be more predisposed to a compassionate policy on asylum and immigration. However, such a supposition ignores Murdoch's already existing prediposition to making money, collecting the severed heads of black people and making money.
[edit] Black People
According to Murdoch's various medias, they are the root of all evil and are out to get whitey, although it is believed that Rupert Murdoch cannot see black people due to a colour-vision defect picked up while transmogrifying into avian form for tax purposes.
[edit] His Views on Knitting
“Aldous Huxley”
~ Ending is better than mending. on Communism
Rupert Murdoch believes that knitting does not belong in the American Dream. He believes that time is money, and knitting takes too much time. He is in favor of knitted clothing produced en masse in large factories, or by the delicate, nimble hands of children in third world countries.
[edit] His Views on Law and Order
Rupert Murdoch would like to see the complete abolition of the welfare state and the immediate reinstatement of the death penalty, flogging, the whip, the chain, torture, ballgags, PVC catsuits and much more discipline for naughty, naughty people.
[edit] His Sexuality
Rupert Murdoch's sexuality has come under some scrutiny of late, given his interesting relationships with seagulls, and his more recent love affair with a giant, 8ft tall wookie.
[edit] Rupert Mordoch as Entertainer
Rupert Mordoch is the ultimate entertainer; since his media made you what you are and tells you what to think, he knows exactly what you like.
[edit] Views on Propaganda
He loves it.
