Russell Brand
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“He once got too rough, I seagulled him for the insolence he showed to my person”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on Russell Brand
Russell Brand is a self-called comedian, drug user and general twat. He was most famous for his lawsuit against Johnny Depp, claiming that the actor's performance as "Corporal Jack Sparrow" in the hit Disney films Pirates Of The Carribean, was based on him.
By 2006, he was named 'Most Punchable Man In The Country', which resulted in the controversial decision to crown him "Prince Of The Earth".
Is an annoying git, with has a very funny sense of hair style, (or possibly a funny git, with an annoying sense of hairstyle) which is done by a monkey high on banana juice.
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[edit] Early career
By age 18 (he spent the other 15 years in hibernation), Russell had risen to the high class rank of rent boy, which is how he found what he would later admit to be his favourite hobby, heroin, (which some say he inherited from his father), and is also how he got his big break in television and musical theatre.
After a long day of servicing transvestites and goverment ministers, Brand's last appointment of the day turned out to be none other than Elmo, who at the time was still head of MTV. In a drunken stupor, Elmo mistook Brand for someone with talent, he hired him on the spot.
The previous day, thanks to time travel, Brand began work on the MTV2 show 'Brand a Cow's Arse', in the hotly contested time slot of 2 in the morning. All went well for the first 100 years, then one day a criminal mastermind, later understood to be Naomi Campbell, put something in Brand's morning dose of heroin which made him act strange.
He inflated to the size of a hippopotamus, and went on a racist tirade about the Welsh. While everybody at MTV thought it was bloody funny (except for Glynn, the Welsh work-experience boy everybody hated), those killjoys at Ofcom demanded he be taken off the air. For their selfless actions, they were awarded the Barry Scott Star, the highest honour that can be bestowed upon a regulatory body.
[edit] Big Brother
After spending a couple of years deflating, and abstaining from heroin (except for that time at that party, oh and when he was trying to impress a girl, and oh that time between January and December), Brand bounced back, as Alan Partridge would say, when he was hired by the brilliant minds behind the number one TV show for idiots, Big Brother.
Despite the show's reputation of attracting millions of viewers, Channel 4 thought that Brand's well-known twattery would be well suited for barely-related BB talkshow 'Big Brother's Talking Out Of It's Big Arse', in which a studio audience would be held at gunpoint and forced to laugh a Brand's own special brand (huh huh) of comedy.
Within an hour, he was crowned Prince Of The Earth by the assembled twats of England, taking over from previous Prince, Prince, thus marking the first harbringer of the Apocalypse (which occurred the following year).
[edit] Influence
Brand's unique take on comedy, the novel idea that it shouldn't be funny, was taken up by many other young comedians during his life and after his death (some even stole pieces of his small, small brain). These include -
- The writers of sitcom
- The writers of Joey
- The writers of this article
- John Wayne
- Peter Jackson
- Adam West
- Jimmy Carr
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- Russel Brand's official website, designed by under-priviliged chimpanzees
- The Russell Brand Fansite, run by a mentally ill fridge magnet
- The Official Big Brother website, shat out by Davina Mccall herself one Sunday morning
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