Russell Crowe

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Russell Crowe (aka Ruffled Crowe because of his tendency to pick fights whilst wearing Early Modern couture) watches an off-camera bystander with suspicion mere seconds before beaming said pedestrian in the noggin with the pictured cordless phone.

“Makin' movies, makin' songs, n' FOIGHTIN' round the world!”

~ Russell Crowe on his way to his next fight

“I must go into Battle!”

~ Russell Crowe on what he must do

“I"ll Master and Commander your mother!”

~ Russell Crowe on walking into a mailbox

“OY! YA WANNA FOIGHT!!?!”

~ Russell Crowe on fighting

“OI GET OFF ME WEBSITE YA TESTICLE”

~ Russell Crowe on You

“Oh my god it's Russell Crowe, And he's got a phone!!”

~ Petrified Man on Russell Crowe

“"OH MY GOD IT'S RUSSEL CROWE!!!" WHY DON'T YOU MOIND YER OWN BUSINESS, YA SCROTUM?!?”

~ Russell Crowe on Russell Crowe fans

“*whispers to assistant manager*"OH MY GAWD ITS RUSSEL CROWE HE MAY NEED A NEW PHONE" *Russel Crowe* OI GIET ME A NEW PHONE YA VAGINA"”

~ Telephone manager on Russell Crowe's phone needs

“I'm Russell F**ckin' Crowe, mate. You hurt moy feelins, NOW I'M GONNA BEAT YOU UP...”

~ Russell Crowe after he was spotted in a leotard

Russell "F**ckin'" Crowe, mate is an infamous assassin and former actor from Australia. He is best known for his sole tool, a cordless phone, which he tosses at high velocity toward unsuspecting targets in order to eliminate them.

1 Early life and acting career
2 Criminal underworld
3 Life as a Gladiator
4 Filmography

[edit] Early life and acting career

Crowe was born in in the Australian state of New Zealand, to a pair of kangaroos. Carried in his mother's pouch until he was six, he was forced to find sustenance elsewhere when a poacher exploded her head with a .50 caliber handgun. Young Crowe wandered the outback alone, eventually co-starring as an aborigine child with Mel Gibson in a Mad Max. He was accepted by the city of Sydney as an amateur street urchin, begging for Vegemite and imported Australian beer. Crowe eventually starred in a string of successful Strine shows, including Strewth, It's Melba Force!, Totally Bogan, Mate!, Crikey, That's Fair Dinkum, Adrift With An Esky, Bonzer!, Death To All Chuzzwozzers, and Neighbours.

A wicked talent agent discovered Crowe's ability to pretend real emotions and whisked him away to the United States. He entered the pornographic film industry and took the stage name 'Crowgasm' (not due to his surname, as commonly thought, but because of the crow-like squawking noises he makes at the point of climax). His career was short-lived, however, because the size of his equipment failed to elicit any response from porn actresses, who usually moan when shopping for 7-watt light bulbs. When he isn't Fightin' Round the World, he is usually seen writing ballads about his good mate "Tugger".

[edit] Criminal underworld

Crow demonstrates his impressive phone-flinging skills to a pair of prospective clients.

After his studio rejection, Crowe became a hired assassin. He initially dispatched his victims by waiting until they passed his sixth-story apartment and dropping a television on them. However, the cost of television set replacements and attorneys' fees to negotiate copyright licensing from the estates of Three Stooges proved formidable.

It was then that Crowe discovered the weapon that would one day make desperate thugs cower with sheer terror - even when they only heard the ringing of a telephone.

[edit] Life as a Gladiator

Despite fulsome compliments from Bell Telephone for his super weapon, Crowe felt nostalgia for Outback Steakhouses and the country living with - say - a wife and child. Before Crowe could return to his family, the Roman Emperor, Richard Harris challenged him to an impossible task: "please defeat Chuck Norris." The Emperor's son Joaquin Phoenix overheard the request, feared being supplanted as the next emperor, fed his father a nasty boba drink, and ordered the death of Mr. Crowe.

Crowe outsmarted the intept, innept, annepped Roman assassins and escaped both their evil clutches and weevil crotches. Running Germany to Spain in under 5 minutes, he was too slow to stop the brutal murder of his family and the rape of the family donkey. Crowe stupidly fell into a stupor and was kidnapped by slave traders.

Crowe awoke in Africa, but before he could start punching people out, he was sold to a fat guy and made to fight as a gladiator. The fans continually pissed Crowe off by referring to him as "Spaniard". He tried to tell them that he was from New Zealand, but alas the people in Africa didn't speak English. The more pissed off Crowe became, the more famous he became until one day, the fat guy announced that he was taking Crowe to Rome to fight in the Coliseum.

The first person that Crowe met in Rome was a child, Spencer Treat Clark. Clark was the nephew of the evil and funny looking Joaquin Phoenix, and was named for the world famous candy bar, the Clark Bar.
After his first fight in Rome, Crowe was forced to meet with Phoenix and reveal that he was still alive. Crowe was pissed off and begged that the fat guy grant him his freedom. The fat guy refused. Crowe tried to escape but failed. He was captured by the army of Joaquin Phoenix and then made to fight Phoenix himself in the Colosseum. Phoenix tried to cheat, but Crowe got the better of him. In a last ditch effort, Crowe pulled out a phone and threw it at Phoenix, striking him in the throat and killing him instantly. Crowe took his rightful place as Roman Emperor but was mortally wounded from his struggle with Phoenix and lasted as Caeser for only a minute or two before he died.
Crowe moved on to the after life, but it is rumored that he is really pissed off about it.