Russia
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“I love this country, home of the Kangajew.”
~ John Howard on Left-handed Noseflute
“In Soviet Russia, I hate YOU!!”
~ Soviet Russia on Russian Reversal
“In Putinist Russia, journalist assassinates YOU!!'”
~ Russian Reversal on Soviet Russia
“America have Snake and Norris, Britain have Daniel Craig and James Bond, Asia have ninja and Bruce Lee, even Australia got Crocodile Dundee and Kevin Rudd. What we have? Magical alcohol and a nuclear robot. I hope booze is really magic....”
~ Russian Guy Stukov Rusianguyovich on The Cold War
“Our real children...”
~ USSR on Russia
“Treacherous pigs!”
~ NUSSR on Russia
“In Russia, everything invents me.”
~ Arthur C. Clarke on Russia
Russia (not to be confused with Ukraine) (Russian: Россия-мать-вашу), is the world's largest banana republic and the world's biggest source of smaller banana republics since 1991, commonly misspelled as 'hell', 'slaughterhouse', and 'rosin', a huge piece of Asian land, where barbarians called Russians reside. They are governed by authoritarian Dear Leader Vladimir Pudding, distantly related to Vlad the Impaler, known in former career as Vlad and the Wailers. If you dare to criticise Tovarishch (Comrade) Pudding, you will to be shot, or worse, sent off to Belarus. And pudding is delicious, so why would you?
Russians have a unique character that is expressed in very different ways. They are a very angry nation. When they are happy they are sad and when they are sas ....they are sad. They also have a weird personality and appearance.
Russians like to associate themselves with Ukraine, though the latter often go hunting for Russians in the winter. Hot people live in Russia because it is cold there, at least in some places. Some of the hot people look suspiciously like bears. Some of these hot bears moved to the Americas (see: Svetlana of The Real World). The porn star Winnie the Pooh (Russian: Превед) hot people's god.
Despite high concentration of the aforementioned hot people, nobody willingly moves to Russia, unless they happen to be obscure African nationals or Chechenistanians who are answering call of nature to lay eggs there. Chinese people and Koreans move there only because they prohibited by law to form 6th level of vertical human habitat, and to lay their eggs there. This why Russia also known as The Motherland. Jews used to make up Russia's ninja army, but have since moved away to Israel or Turkmenistan, depending on whether they smart or hungry corresponsively.
Hot Russians speak hot Russian language, which won't let them say the word that sounds like 'bee' in any form. However, this deficit enabled them to create such masterpieces as Tetris and Harry Potter. Wodka, a magical variety of cheese which hails from the Russian serengeti, better known to the uninitiated as vodka.
There have been plans in the pipeline to replace Russia with another ocean, as Russia mostly big and pointless and the ocean breeze would make Central Asia a much nicer place to. Part of this plan was actually carried out, but as soon as Neorusso Sea iced over, nobody could tell difference, except for some angry giraffes, which have since attempted to form their own branch of the Russian tree, though they have not yet succeeded, because they like to call it Chechnya.
Russia drastically changed upon the announcement of Catholic Church acknowlegement of the existence of little dots. It also experienced another paradigm shift when people realized that Russia, big as it, was not a continent, and that Caspian Sea not filled with cream cheese.
Russia long been staunch supporter of capitalism and democracy throughout the world. Their economic status declined since cold war, a historical period when Communist America and Democratic Russia stopped talking to each other after they couldn't agree on a strategy for hunting down worldwide terrorist groups like the muppets and the actors guild of hollywood.
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History of Russia
Russia was founded at some point in the past, probably before you were born. But it's not important when Russia was founded because before 1492, the world (and mostly Europe, that is) didn't know Russia existed since everybody had trouble locating it on the map. Seems that "somewhere between Danube river and Kamchatka peninsula" wasn't very clear after all.
Then, in 1492, some dude did something and Russia was discovered. They named it after the people Rushians for their will to hurry others up while slacking off on the stove (WTF!?!) themselves. In Russian they used the word bistro, which means "hurry", but this goes onto yet another explanation... Yes-yes, back to the story.
So at that time, tired of watching these lazy asses sit their lazy ass off, Sauron, who was in feud with his roommate God, sent an army of orcs to wipe the nation off of the butt of the planet. Rushians called them "Tartars" for their fonding of tar. The Tartars actually did pretty well and destroyed all of the Rushian race. God then was pissed off and took some Bulgars from the South, proclaimed them Russian and repopulated the region. He was actually good at those SimEarthLife games.
After that came Peter the Great, the first homosexual czar. He was in fact so gay that he shaved his beard off and wore non-kneehighboot shoes. Since nobody understood his trends at the time, Peter left Moscow, went 700 km north, sat on a tree stomp and had an epiphany of himself fucking a bear. He then had bearman children (looking pretty much like Shrek) with whom they repopulated the nearby swamp and renamed it Saint-Pidorsburg. Why that? Well, ask a Russian what pidor means.
Funny thing, there is no Russia in history between November 1917 and July 1991. What happened to it during this period of time remains a veiled mystery. Some say that Russia went forth in time for 74 years. Others speculate its grouping with the less important countries to form something called USS- USSR, that is? Hah, can you even BELIEVE that bullshit! Cracks me up every time!.. USSR... Anyway. The only thing we now know for sure is that when Russia came back, there was much radiation creating such things as a two-headed eagle, beautiful females and Zhirinovsky. All male population also somehow turned into heavy drinkers and there were statues of some bald dude and mustached dude on the streets.
This all leads me to conclude that Russians now have superadvanced technology allowing them to create weird stuff, but which works only on their tract of land... Fortunately.
In 1998, Vladimir Pudding led a revolution (Number 393 of that year) and established a USC ("United States of Commies"). From then on, Puddıng began a secret pıece-by-pıece deployment of Russıa's underground secret forces to Lapland. As he said at his one and only press-conference given to an amnesic journalist from the country of DrunkAssPooPoos (for, gentle reader, Liffwania won the third world war, and empired russia!). The main idea of those measures was to dig numerous labyrinths underneath the Laplandians so they one day would fall through and into those labyrinths and get lost in there. Pudding insisted that this (dubious) idea was now the State's War Doctrine, which would also bring peace to the small and poor nation of slightly obese elves - Americans who were suffering a lot from the expansionism of the Israeli-Palestinian commonwealth government. The deployment of Russıa's underground dungeon-forces began on July 3, 2005. By now, underneath the barren lands that were once Liffwania, there are 3 mechanized dungeon units digging the first "dungeon of chaos"...
In this brief period of time here, Jessies 2.0 (AKA The Ultimate Baby Who is Quite Gentle) ruled Russia, as you can tell her image was good for the Russian peoples, sadly, they didn't like being barked at. It was also Jessies who origionally sent the divine puppy messenger to Lenin's toilet with an epic poem tied to its neck basically telling him to start the revolution.
One particular thing about Russians is that they are very much nostalgic about Unions, they like to live in a union of countries by annexing and deporting ethnic population and russifying them with monkey brained russians and call the annexed country a part of Russian Union. A notable example is the former country of Karelia, where the local population was reduced to -33,000 (down from 200,000), and the Russian population was increased (by forced immigration) to 100,000, making the population overwhelmingly Russian. Karelian is actually an extinct language now, known only for the fact that the number of Karelian speakers is negative. But Russians seem to think that it is their natural right to inflict genocide on whoever they want, while calling other nations breeders of racism and fascism. You gotta love'em!
If History has told us one thing it to always invade Russia at the first oppertunity. During winter if possible. So if you are an asperation despot such as Napoleon or Hitler then as soon as possible follow this lesson of history.
Currently there is only one person living in Russia, Kevin Dickson. He is in the center of Russia. Russia is currently a burning mass in which anyone or anything that walks into the fiery hell that Kevin Dickson has created will be utterly and totally dead in a fiery painful death. Currently satellite imagery tells us that Kevin Dickson is still standing in that same place waiting. It is just what for that we want to know...
Russia is actually quite similar to the United States of America. In America someone can go in front of the White House and say whatever they like (more likely dislike) about President Bush. In Russia one can go to Red Square and say whatever they like (more likely dislike) about President Bush.
Kulaks
These were the evils of Stalins beautiful rule. I must say it was good. These Kulaks were rich peasents. I know its terrible. Well as you know stalin did the right thing. He killed em all. Every single one. And so the peasents regoiced as Stalin killed there rivals.(It was a plan to get people to like him(He was very lonely and paranoid, Germans to right of him germans to left here I am stuck in russia)
History of Phuphaica
Another great Rusian invention is phuphaica - a Rusian quilted jacket made from highly praised natural fibre - phuphaikin, produced by specially selected fleas found only in their natural habitat in Siberbia. Commonly worn by Russians for several centuries it was banned only recently due to the cruelty to fleas, poaching and anti – phuphelin campaign in the West Indies. Now only a few phuphelin farms are left in the whole Seriberian region licensed by Russian government as ‘organic’ and overseen by UNHCHF.
Now days phuphaicas have became so rare that it is only affordable to a few extremely wealthy people going through the secret ritual. First stage of the ritual usually involves fingering the Pudding by the lucky one, then he/she goes to the special place called 'Butylki' for a couple of years of meditation, enlightenment and poking and then after participating in the process called by our learned friends as The Moscow Circus; he/she will be granted phuphaica for 9 years. Recent example is Mr. Hobotkovsky, who became a lucky owner of his own phuphaica after fingering the Pud.
Although Russian phuphaica authorities deny that the next two candidates have already been selected, independent experts have named Anatasia Romanovsky and Berez Borisovich as the latest lucky ones.
Some sources suggest that Russia is in fact governed by Lesotho, which threatens the Russian government with its impressive army massed on the frontier between Russia and Lesotho. Vladimir Pudding, the supreme czar of all the Russians, is believed to be in fact a spy from Lesotho disguised as a puppet. This fact is partly proven by the fact that he likes skiing, the national Lesotho sport, and that he could never have learnt skiing in the hot deserts of Siberia.
The famous Russian talk-show The Windows, named after the infamous OS, is the most popular talk-show in the universe. It is also popular in the United States of Pedophilia, which is the country south of Russia.
Some Russian pastimes include: tormenting circus bears and invading germany (as well as any other country that dares to exist within a 800km radius from Russia.)
Russians love their Motherland very much, the further they are from it, the more they love it. Therefore they love their Motherland most from Brighton Beach. Another national trait (as recent surveys show) is that if these Motherland lowing Russians stranded abroad were offered to choose between returning home or being shot on the spot, 156 % would choose the latter, the rest 25 % would commit suicide.
There are some famous russian philosophus: Sasza Krates, Pietia Goras, Mesofius Volkov, Kola Pepsin, Vasya Pupkin
Holidays
Of course, Santa visits Russia. However, Russians don't believe it is Santa, so they call him "Grandfather Frost". When Santa arrives at Russian Seriberia, he parks his transport, drinks a lot, gets a drunken blue-faced girlfriend (Russians call her "Snow-small-bedpan") and starts his afoot-travel through the darkness. Sometimes he also becomes blue-colored, according to the amount of Vodka. That is why he needs to sleep the rest of the year.
One New Year is not enough for the Russians, so they invented a second New Year (Russians call it "Old New Year"). It is celebrated on the 14th of January. To fill the 14 days of emptiness between two New Years, patriarch of Russian Orthodox Church decided to celebrate Christmas on the 7th of January, because other world's Christmas was not very popular in Russia due to preparations to the first New Year.
In 1956, as part of the counter-revolution, after Pudding's distant great uncle, Prince Vyacheslav Bukharikov was assasinated, the Russian Orthodox Church officially laid out a set of traditions that were to be strictly followed on every holdiay. Amongst these traditions are getting drunk, knife fighting, and that cool dance with the feet and the hats.
Its very easy to recognize Russian men by typical national costume of males, either:
- Leather jacket (old),
- Sweater,
- Tracksuit(NIKI, ADODAS),
- Sports shoe
Incredible Shrinking Russians
In one of the great feats of modern Russian technology, Russians have discovered a way to make miniature clones of themselves. Unfortunately, the clone is forced to be exactly 80% size of the original. This does not pose a problem unless the process is taken to its extreme and too many clones are produced. The smallest and final clone will simply split in half due to the Russian scientists who thought they could play God. The Vatican is currently working to ban the process but is making very little progress. In the words of a prominent Russian cloning researcher, "We are orthodox. What for should we care?"
Famous and infamous Russians
- Comrade Shadiac
- Comrade Tom Mayfair
- Comrade <insert name here> (this is probably you)
- Comrade Ivan Drago
- Comrade Ivan Tolstoy
- Comrade John Lenin
- Comrade Ivan Stalin
- Comrade Ivan Khrushchev
- Comrade Ivan Brezhnev
- Comrade Ivan Andropov
- Comrade Ivan Gorbachev
- Comrade Ivan Yeltsin
- Comrade Ivan Rasputin
- Comrade Ivan Pot
- Comrade Ivan Kekkonen
- Comrade Ivan Tchaikovsky
- Comrade Ivan Tchaikovsk
- Comrade Ivan Stravinsky
- Comrade Ivan Kasparov
- Comrade Ivan Karpov
- Comrade Ivan Kramnik
- Comrade Ivan Spassky
- Comrade Ivan Bush
- Comrade Ivan Skywalker
- Comrade Ivan Santa
- Comrade Ivan Clinton
- Comrade Ivan Hussein
- Comrade Ivan Molotov
- Comrade Ivan Einstein
- Comrade Ivan Trotsky
- Comrade Ivan Mao Tse-tung
- Comrade Ivan Ghandhi
- Comrade Ivan Putin
- Comrade Ivan Vader
- Comrade Ivan Guevara
- Comrade Ivan Zhivago
- Comrade Natasha Kournikova
- Comrade Natasha Portman
- Comrade Natasha Spiers
- Comrade Natasha Aniston
- Comrade Repeat
- Comrade Natasha Henstridge
- Comrade Kolyan II
- Comrade Yogi Berra
- Comrade Repeat
- Comrade Comrade
- Comrades The Brothers Karamazov
- Comrade Dschinghis Khan
- Comrade Zangief
- Comrade Repeat
- Comrade Criss Angel
- Comrade Timur
What To Do Upon Accidentally Ingesting Russia
- Induce vomiting
- get plenty of fluids in to avoid dehydration, preferably Borsch
- induce more vomiting
- realise the Borsch is making you vomit when you faint
- take an aspirin if you can reach it
- lay down in a comfortable, dark place
- contact count Popeula for further instructions.
- if death spasms continue, attempt sepuku to help preserve your honor for you, and for Mother Russia!
The number should be on the backside of your local Continent of Europe.
Russian Women
The myth that there are Russian women is just a myth. There are no Russian women, only Russian men without penises. These "women" are available for sale throughout the internet and you can buy your own one as a souvenir (even if you haven't been to the country!) by typing "free screensavers" into Google! Although the UN has made such purchases illegal by international law, various Frenchmen have assisted the Russians by chopping off the penises of many of their own men and sending them to Russia.
| Oppressive Яussian Stuff | |
| Mother Russia: | Russians – Russia – Soviet Union - Moscow – Siberia – Belarus (sort of) – Ukraine (sort of) – Russian Ocean – USSR – New USSR |
| Diabolical people: | Cossacks – Vladimir Putin - Ivan the Terrible – Peter the Great – Catherine the Great – Rasputin - Lenin – Stalin - Vyacheslav Molotov – Leonid Brezhnev – Boris Yeltsin – Vladimir Putin – Dmitry Medved - Nikita Khrushchev - Nikola Šećeroski (former Soviet MTV celeb) |
| Not-quite-inhuman people: | Yakov Smirnoff – Leo Tolstoy - Fyodor the Not-So-Terrible – Piotr Illick Tchaikovsky – Yogi Berra – Anna Kournikova – Igor Stravinsky - Ayn Rand - Yuri Gagarin |
| Major events: | Russian Revolution – Battle of Stalingrad – Battle of the Kursk – Chernobyl – Russian Revolution of 1917 – Miss Chernobyl Beauty Pageant - 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse |
| Climate: | Winter |
| Russian Rioting: | The Bolsheviks – Communism - Grammar Communism – Gulag – Molotov cocktail – Russian reversal – Russian double reversal - Russian triple reversal – Cowmunism - Battleship Potemkin |
| Russian Cuisine: | Cabbage - Famine - Vodka - Soviet Onion - More Vodka |
| Commonwealth of Independent States - Former USSR Republics |
| Russia ~ Belarus ~ Ukraine ~ Estonia ~ Latvia ~ Lithuania ~ Moldova / Moldavia ~ Mordovia ~ Armenia ~ Azerbaijan ~ Georgia ~ Kazakhstan ~ Kyrgyzstan / Krgystan ~ Ghettoistan ~ Tajikistan ~ Turkmenistan ~ Uzbekistan ~ other Stan countries ~ Alaska ~ Israel ~ Lipsonia ~ Soviet Britain |
| Countries ruled by Russia (when THEY won the war) |
| In order of importance Glorious Counrty of the Revolution ~ Rich Buggers ~ Rich Buggers Neighbours ~ Our Communist Friends ~ Our Brothers in Arms / Traitorous Bastards ~ United Kingdom ~ Poor Buggers ~ Asian Rich Buggers ~ Sri Lanka ~ Seychelles ~ Siberia ~ Hell ~ Nuclear Missile Base ~ Convicts ~ Vietnam ~ Sheep Fuckers ~ Haggis Fuckers ~ Russian Fuckers ~ Convict Sheep Fuckers ~ Undersea City ~ African Nazis ~ Oscar Wilde ~ Mongolia ~ Secret Nuclear Launch Site ~ Radiactvie Wasteland ~ Weird Foreigners ~ Monkey Island ~ China's Bitch ~ Drunkards ~ Blasphemous Birthplace of the Jesii |
Europa 
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| Countries and territories of Asia | |
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Western Asia: Armenia | Azerbaijan | Bahrain | Iraq | Israel | Jordan | Kuwait | Oman | Palestinian Territories | Qatar | Saudi Arabia | Syria | United Arab Emirates | Yemen East Asia: China (PRC) | Hong Kong | Japan | Macau | Mongolia | North Korea | South Korea | Taiwan (ROC) | Wal-Mart's Republic of China | Republic of Taiwan Southeast Asia: Brunei | Cambodia | East Timor | Indonesia | Laos | Malaysia | Myanmar | Philippines | Singapore | Thailand | Vietnam South Asia: Afghanistan | Bangladesh | Bhutan | India | Iran | Kashmir | Maldives | Nepal | Pakistan | Persia | Sri Lanka Central Asia: Kazakhstan | Kyrgyzstan | Tajikistan | Tibet | Turkmenistan | Uzbekistan | other Stan countries Euroasia: Cyprus | Georgia | Japan-France | Russia | Turkey Phoenician Asia: Lebanon | 
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Categories: Communism | Russian | Europe | Asia | Bicontinental countries | Countries
