Rutherford B. Hayes

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Rutherford B. Hayes, President of the United States from 1877 to 1881, desperately looking for a barber's shop.

Rutherfraud "Bee" Hayes (born: log cabin era – died: coal soot era) was the 19th President of the United States, and was notable as being the first of the Chosen People to be elected to America's highest office.

1 Early Life
2 Presidency
3 Trivia
4 Undeath
5 Legacy

[edit] Early Life

Rutherford B. Hayes at age 19.

Rutherford was born during a full lunar eclipse and as such gained the mystical abilities of a twilight ninja. His travels across the earth as a young man steeled his resolve to remake the world, which he viewed as utterly despoiled and corrupt, according to his own image. After forging a pact with the netherworld by selling his soul to a hell-spawned demon, Rutherford B. Hayes quickly rose to prominence in American politics. He began to gather to himself fellow beings of pure evil, uniting them under the banner of the Scythe.

[edit] Presidency

The election of 1877 was in fact an elaborate ruse staged by Rutherford B. Hayes' undead minions in which electorate officials across the nation were assassinated and replaced by doppelgangers of arcane creation. Hayes claimed victory by a narrow margin despite losing the popular vote. He quickly began to implement his plan to lay waste to the entire planet. Though he nearly succeeded, his pernicious plans were dashed when he was mortally wounded in a daring raid by the young Theodore Roosevelt. Roosevelt reportedly employed his newly mastered Sky-Dragon-Heaven's-Lightning technique to dramatic effect during the epic battle. Unfortunately Hayes remained nefarious to the last, escaping from the battle despite his grevious wounds. Eyewitness accounts say that Hayes was last seen in Latveria, where he was sexied to death by a time-traveling Chuck Norris. Some experts debate this, however, saying that Hayes could still be lurking somewhere in the rural areas of Euthanasia. Regardless, his disappearance gave way to the far more benign presidency of James A. Garfield, the United States' first gay, black president.

Hayes is also famous for sneaking the territory of Avoda Zara through the soiled halls of Congress, thus making it a state of the Union.

[edit] Trivia

First Pokemon to become president of SUPERMEGAGINORMATROPILIS.
He was the original presidential party animal, earning him the nickname "Rutherford Behave" by the ladies.
He invented the sport of rugby, though it was originally named basketball. This wasn't before the actual sport of basketball was invented or anything, he just liked the name a lot.
He defecated ramen noodles.
When threatened by predators, he would curl up into a ball, protected from attack by his thick shell.
His first job was as Bruce Willis's stunt double in the 1997 movie "The Jackal."
He was accidentally buried alive four times.
He was an accomplished author, specializing mostly in Tenchi Muyo fan fiction.
He was not born, but rather assembled from a kit bought at Sears.
He does not eat. He creates energy through photosynthesis.
He was a bronze medalist in the 1942 Olympics for women's speed skating.
He was a contestant on the Nickelodeon game show "Figure It Out." His hidden talent was that he assassinated the Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
He was a celebrity hairstylist, with clientele including Alexandre Dumas, Charles Dickens, Keanu Reeves and Augustus Longstreet.
He illegally practiced proctology under the name Dr. Fistula.
He was thirteen feet tall and made of copper.
He crossed the Atlantic in a rowboat made out of beef jerkey.
He once farted so hard he went back in time.
He drank the metal mercury for breakfast.
At fourteen he was the first man to have a sex change operation.
He built the spaceship Columbia out of garbage.
He had one arm that was a chainsaw.
He is the star and titular character in the movie "JFK."
He was killed in action during both the Civil War and Desert Storm conflict.
Rather than reading books, he would cover them in mustard and devour them.
He was the 19th president of the United States
He famously won the presidency by just one electoral vote
He has a town in Greenland named for him
He wore the same suit every day for five years
He owned a Tungsten Mine, which only employed children, who he hated
He was actually Winston Churchill
He was married to a 13 year-old stack of used oil rags he called "Betty"
He invented the world's first computer out of bologna. It was powerful enough to count to three and was delicious.
His beard was actually a Bigfoot scalp that he took as a trophy for beating one in single combat.
He also lead the Earth Special Forces in their successful invasion of planet Gemula 8.
Rutherford enjoys long walks on beaches, ice cream sandwiches, and is looking for a good time.
Sometimes while Brushing his teeth, he finds the cure for cancer in his wisdom teeth, he refuses to tell anyone because he is selfish.
The Song "Bad, Bad, Leroy Brown" was actually written about Rutherford

[edit] Undeath

Rutherford was not heard from ever again on the American political scene. Certain scholars claim that he was resurrected during the 2004 presidential election by Karl Rove's black magic, transforming Rutherford into a fearsome undead lich (see Zombie Rutherford B. Hayes). However, Rove's October surprise was not needed as his friend Osama bin Laden released a tape instead.

Rutherford continues to plot to destroy the world. He also reportedly dabbles in samba, albeit in a nefarious manner.