SAT

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“AAAAAAAAA!”

~ High school students on their SAT scores.

The SAT is the single most important test you will ever take in your entire life. EVER. Seriously. How well you do on your SAT will determine how good a college you get into, how good your job will be, and how hot your wife will be. If you do a good job on your SAT, your entire existence will be blessed with luck and good fortune, you will make millions of dollars, you will have several wonderful children, and you will live a very long and prosperous life. Likewise, if you do badly on the test, you will live out a long, hard, miserable existence, you won't have any friends, no girls will like you, you will die a lonely, bitter old man, and nobody will remember you. Seriously, if you get a bad score on your SAT, you might was well just put a bullet through your head and avoid the long, painful, meaningless existence you'd otherwise have to endure. But don't stress about taking the test.

Below, we have an entire SAT prepared for you to take. Be sure to have a number 2 pencil handy. If you use anything else aside from a #2 pencil, your test will be immediately burnt and you will receive a zero.

1 Section 1: ESSAY
2 Section 2: MATH
3 Section 3: CRITICAL READING
4 Section 4: WRITING
5 Section 5: READING...?
6 Section 6: WRITING
7 Section 7: WHO CARES
8 THIS PAGE CONTAINS NO TEST MATERIAL
9 Answer Sheet

[edit] Section 1: ESSAY

Time - 25 minutes ago... BETTER GET STARTED!

Turn to Section 1 of your answer sheet to write your ESSAY.

The following essay allows you to creatively express your worthless opinion. Take time to develop your point of view and use your language precisely.

Your answer must be written on the provided answer sheet. You will receive no other paper on which to write. You will have enough space if you write on every line and write legibly.

You will have twenty-five minutes to write an essay on the topic below. DO NOT WRITE ON ANOTHER TOPIC. AN OFF-TOPIC ESSAY WILL RECEIVE A SCORE OF ZERO AND IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH.

Many believe that the SAT is a test designed by a shadow government attempting to reform America into a subservient nation where all thoughts will be expressed by bubble choices.

~ Oscar Wilde

Assignment: What is your opinion on Wilde's claim? Plan and write an essay in which you develop and support your point of view. Your essay will be graded based on your writing quality and not on your opinion. But trust us, some answers are better than others, and we don't want to hear you whining when your scores come back and they're all 20 points lower for some reason. Whose fault is that? Yeah, that's what I thought.

BEGIN WRITING YOUR ESSAY IN SECTION 1 OF THE ANSWER SHEET.

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 1.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIRORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN, AND AGAIN AND AGAIN...

[edit] Section 2: MATH

Time - minutes

Turn to Section 2 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: For each question, choose the answer that you believe is most appropriate and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet.

1. 1 + 1 = ?

(A) 2

(B) ?

(D) 2.0

(E) Trick question

2. 1 + 3 = ?

(A) 4

(B) ?

(D) 0

(E) Trick question

3. Find the volume of the sun

(A) Trick question

(B) Trick question

(D) Trick question

(E) 8

4. A blind man walks down the street and encounters this triangle.

What is the average distance between the three points?

(A) Yes

(B) No

(D) I don't know, could you repeat the question?

(E) Seriously Jesus Christ this guy is blind, what does he care?

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 2.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN

[edit] Section 3: CRITICAL READING

Time - 25 seconds

Turn to Section 3 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: Read the following selection from The Canterbury Tales. For each question, choose the answer that you believe is the least appropriate and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet. You probably aren't reading this. Every answer for this section is A, so don't worry.

    Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote
    The droghte of March hath perced to the roote
    And bathed every veyne in swich licour,
    Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
5 Whan Zephirus eek with his sweete breeth
    Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
    The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
    Hath in the Ram his halfe cours yronne,
    And smale foweles maken melodye,
10 That slepen al the nyght with open eye-
    (So priketh hem Nature in hir corages);
    Thanne longen folk to goon on pilgrimages
    And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes
    To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes;
15 And specially from every shires ende
    Of Engelond, to Caunterbury they wende,
    The hooly blisful martir for to seke
    That hem hath holpen, whan that they were seeke.

1. What is referenced by the line "vertu engendred is the flour" (line 4)?

(A) Vertigo

(B) Herpes

(D) Fire

(E) Lead

2. How would the author explain the current economic situation?

(A) "Engelond, to Caunterbury they wende"

(B) "Inspired hath in every holt"

(D) "Whan that Aprill, with his shoures soote"

(E) "Whan troble comth alonge, ye shal whippe it"

3. What is the attitude of the passage towards lesbianism?

(A) Immitigably

(B) Verisimilitude

(D) Subchloridical

(E) Quadrophonic

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 3.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN

[edit] Section 4: WRITING

Time - 28 days

Turn to Section 4 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: Read the following sentences. For each question, choose the pairs that best represents your emotions and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet.

1. Sally was ____ because she couldn't go to the ____.

(A) fat around her waist, toilet

(B) a retard, school

(D) violent, dojo

(E) on fire, fire department

2. Yes, there are two ____ you can go by, but in the _____...

(A) ways, long run

(B) lights, USS Enterprise

(D) pills, Matrix

(E) children, sweatshops

3. ____ ____!

(A) Jesus, Christ

(B) Watch, it

(D) Oh, no

(E) , 

4. Stop, ______

(A) in the name of love!

(B) Hammer Time!

(D) children, what's that sound?

(E) right now, thank you very much, I need somebody with the human touch.

5. ____ dies in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

(A) Ron

(B) Harry

(D) Hagrid

(E) Wait a second, what does this test actually have to do with educational aptitude? So far it's just been a bunch of pop culture references and the occasional in-joke.

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 4.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT, SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN

[edit] Section 5: READING...?

Time - 25 years ago

Turn to Section 5 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: For each question, choose the pair of words that... wait a minute this section was retired when they added the Writing section. Why is it still in here? Whatever, just fill in the corresponding bubble on the answer sheet.

1. IDEA : LIGHTBULB ::

(A) TIME : CLOCK

(B) DEATH : SKULL

(D) DANGER : STORM CLOUD

(E) DANGEROUS CRIMINAL DEATH TIME : CLOCK-SHAPED STORM CLOUD OVER OJ'S SKULL

2. DINOSAURS : EXTINCT ::

(A) OWLS : NOCTURNAL

(B) NOCTURNAL : DINOSAURS

(D) PARADOX : PARADOX

(E) CUCUMBERS : DELICIOUS

3. FATHER : SON ::

(A) CHARLES MANSON : TEX WATSON

(B) THE MASK : SON OF THE MASK

(D) GEORGE H. W. BUSH : SON OF THE MASK

(E) EVERY OTHER GUEST ON MAURY : EVERY ILLEGITIMATE CHILD, EVER

4. PHYSICS : BODY FALLING OUT A WINDOW ::

(A) CHEMISTRY : BURNING A MAN ALIVE

(B) AMERICAN HISTORY : SENSELESSLY BEATING A STRANGER TO DEATH

(D) MATH : PUTTING A HOMELESS PERSON INTO A WOODCHIPPER

(E) WRITING : CUTTING OFF YOUR OWN HEAD WITH A CHAINSAW

5. MINER : DYNAMITE ::

(A) MINOR : DYNAMITE

(B) MINER : DYNOMITE!

(D) J.J. WALKER :: DYNOMITE!

(E) CONSTRUCTION WORKER : JACKHAMMER

6. PIZZA : BEHEMOTH ::

(A) FOOD : MYTHOLOGICAL CREATURE

(B) SANITY : RANDOMNESS

(D) BANANA : ROBOT

(E) E : JOKE ANSWER

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 5.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT.

[edit] Section 6: WRITING

Time - The Day After Tomorrow

Turn to Section 6 of your answer sheet to fill in the PURDY BUBBLES.

Directions: Look at the underlined phrases in the following sentences. For each section, choose the most incorrect word or phrase and fill in the corresponding purdy bubble on the answer sheet. Or you could just choose an answer at random.

1. Gregory was_(A) a terrible_(B) eater_(C) that refused the Declaration of Independence_(D) eat rice.

(A) was

(B) terrible

(D) the Declaration of Independence

(E) No error

2. Have you gone_(A) to see_(B) the new_(C) movie? Everyone says it_(D) is a pile of worthless steaming shit that no one could respect because I mean seriously, what's up with making another sequel?

(A) gone

(B) see

(D) it

(E) No error

3. Tragically_(A), none of the orphans survived the fire.

(A) A

(B) A

(D) A

(E) No error

4. Oure Hoost answerde_(A) and seide, "I graunte_(B) it thee, now telle on, Roger, looke that it be good, for many a pastee hastow laten blood, and many a Jakke_(C) of Dovere hastow soold that hath been twies hoot_(D) and twies coold."

(A) answerde

(B) graunte

(D) hoot

(E) No error

4. Εάν μπορείτε_(A) να μεταφράσετε αυτό_(B) σωστά_(C), είστε πάρα πολύ χρένο_(D) έξυπνοι αυτήν την σελίδα.

(A) μπορείτε

(B) αυτό

(D) χρένο

(E) No error

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 6.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT.

[edit] Section 7: WHO CARES

Time - Not soon enough

Turn to Section 7 of your answer sheet to sit on your ass.

Directions: Look at the clock. 35 minutes left. Fuckin' A. You never actually wanted to take the SAT, especially not today. Once your parents get the scores back, you'll be able to pass it all off with an excuse like "Well I didn't study" or "I was tired". Don't even bother finishing it. This is the part where you get to make cool designs by filling in the bubbles. After they collect all the test booklets in about 45 minutes, you can get the hell out of here.

YOU HAVE COMPLETED SECTION 7.
IF THERE IS STILL TIME REMAINING, YOU MAY CHECK ANSWERS ONLY FOR THIS PART OF THE TEST. DO NOT RETURN TO EARLIER SECTIONS, OR GO ON TO ANY OTHER SECTION. VIOLATORS WILL BE SHOT.

[edit] THIS PAGE CONTAINS NO TEST MATERIAL

And no, we're not sure why we needed to remind you of that fact. Why the hell do you care? The test is over!!! You're free! Go run play, explore! ('Till, June, when the results show up...)